18 October 2007

Boys Have a Penis, Girls Have a 'Gina!

Yes, you read the title right. Tonight's post is a doozy and not for the faint-of-heart. If you think you can handle it, read on.

When pregnant with the twins, we discussed getting them to sleep through the night, breast- vs. bottle-feeding, stomach or back sleeping, twins sharing the crib or having separate cribs, yadda, yadda. Something we didn't talk about was "What will we call the private parts?" One morning while changing Bubba's diaper, Ty-man said something to the effect of, "I'm not sure how I feel 'bout touching another man's rhubarb." I, of course, immediately collapsed onto the floor snorting and laughing hysterically. Later, he referred to Bubba's manhood as his "peabody." So, Peabody was born. After that, anytime we referred to his penis, we called it Peabody. Peabody this and Peabody that. How cute.

Being fraternal boy/girl twins, Bubba and Miss-Miss watch one another during diaper changes. Miss-Miss began to notice Bubba's Peabody, pointing to it during bath time and looking down at herself. You could tell she was trying to figure out, "Where's mine?" About this time, the subject came up with Supermom Kristi and she said that you should use the proper words for private parts because if your child is ever sexually molested, they will be able to use the proper terms in a court of law and that would make a case against the molester more solid. OooooooKaaaaaay. I had never thought of it that way. This is why I consult Kristi on a regular basis. She thinks about stuff like this. So, Peabody went bye-bye and Penis came to stay.

Eventually, Miss-Miss began to ask about her private parts. She would point and make an inquisitive sound. Well, if you know anything about female genitalia, there's more to it than just the vagina. So, about a month ago, I found myself on the phone with friend Teri and mentioned my quandary to her. So, off to Wikipedia she went and there we were, looking at explanations, graphics, and pictures of the female genitalia. After much infantile snickering and juvenile comments, we got down to business. Let's see. There's the clitoris, the mons pubis (Sounds like something on the Moon.), the prepuce (OK, that sounds like a bug larvae.), the urethral orifice (One of my parts is referred to as an orifice?), the vagina (duh), the labia majora, and finally the labia minoria. Dear. God. Turns out, all of that is collectively referred to as the Vulva. Vulva. Let me repeat that to try it out. Vuuuulllllvvvvvaaaaa. Right.

So, now, whenever Miss-Miss points to herself, we say, (with respect to great friend Chip), "Those are your groceries." Hell, she'll be confused whenever she goes to a Kroger, but at least we've saved face when we can't remember the litany of proper names of the external female genitalia.

P.S. My apologies to you, Chris. I know you're sitting in front of your computer screen, in a catatonic state, unable to move, because of this post's content. When you've recovered, shoot me an e-mail and let me know you're alive!


Unknown said...

Ha! Rhubarb! That kills me!

Anonymous said...

I'm not catatonic at all. Don't forget that I have a child of my own, which means I must have at least some degree of comfort with reproductive anatomy. In fact, I'm much more comfortable with the clinical terms than with crude or cutesy terms, though frankly Peabody and groceries don't belong in either column.

I'm just glad your not teaching your kids terms like schlong and cooter. I'm getting a little catatonic just having typed those terms myself.