Yeah, we're still on vacation. You got three original posts, pre-written, this week and I'm all out of creative juices here. For me, it's Friday night, the night before we leave, and I'm all Holy Frak! I've got laundry! And kids to bathe! And dishes to wash! And scuba gear to pack! And it's 9 PM! GAH! So, I give you one of my all-time favorite blog posts. Originally posted last year on January 12th, it makes me snort every time. Enjoy!
Snatch
Oh, yeah. You read that title right. But, you see, it's actually a double-entendre. One of my favorite bloggers, Functionally ReTodded, wrote a post a few days ago about how difficult it is to have a penis, how things dribble and can shift and that having a penis is not a guarantee of getting laid. Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Poor pitiful male me!!! Pity me! Boo. Hoo.
What a baby.
So, I'm "snatch"ing my comments from his post and creating a post of my own. Here are the ten reasons why I believe it's more difficult to have a 'gina than it is to have a penis.
OK. Maybe it's more like 12 reasons. And maybe it's more like "Twelve Reasons Why It's More Difficult to Have a 'Gina/Uterus/Ovaries Than It Is to Have a Penis."
Heh-hem.
NOTE TO MY SENSITIVE READERS: Yeah. I'm all "boobs-to-the-wall" on this post. I tend to cut loose more in my comments on others' blogs. So, I figured I might as well go commando here and just let 'em hang out. You have been warned.
1) Todd stated it is difficult for us ladies to get our groceries (my favorite genitalia euphemism) caught in a zipper. But when you’re eight months pregnant? And attempting to trim up the, you know, pubes (It's all downhill from here, people.) before the big day so the OB doesn’t have to hack his way through the sprawling rainforest Wookie-bush? You have a pretty good chance of ending up in the ER with a nicked clam-bake. Speaking from experience.
2) Shifting underpants may cause men to suddenly have to pee? Poor sweeties. Try a nine-month-old human standing on your bladder! Yeah. And then there's my personal favorite, Oh wait, gotta sneeze! Ker-chew! Aaaaaaaaand, now I'll go change my granny-panties. Gotch there, hon!
3) Todd was going on and on about "pee, yadda, yadda, shake it off, blah, blah, mouse (?), dribble on the khakis or down the leg." Um, yeah. All I’ve got to say about this is that when girls pee? We pee ALL over ourselves. Like, you have to wipe your back AND front sides. And the insides of the legs. And before you even sit down, you have to get half-naked and wipe the previous 15 ladies' pee off the seat because they all do the "squat and dribble" maneuver. It's never a straight stream. And it's never a dry moment.
4) Oh, please. The next time I hear some man-child whine about standing at the board in math class with a boner? I will LOSE IT! It is a known fact amongst womankind that every fracking time you wear white shorts or pants as a teen girl, you are guaran-fracking-teed to start your period. That day. No matter if you just had your period last week. Oh, yeah, big red stains on the crotch of your white capris is SUCH a popularity booster. That and cutting a big one (THAT ECHOED) while trying to hit a softball in sophomore gym class.
Repeat that last sentence to anyone? And I will cut you. Yeah, you.
5) When it comes to calming crying kids in the middle of the night and Daddy's Big Jim decides to take a peak at said kid? Us gals have the whole crooked tank top and nipplage issue. I'm just sayin'.
6) Todd says there's no guarantee of sex if one has a penis but if you have a vagina? You've got it in the bag. Did you people not read #4?!? Farting and visible menstruation does not a come-hither-gal make.
7) OK, seriously. Todd was just going on and on and on about how he has to concentrate on yaw, pitch, trajectory, WHATEVER, while he's peeing in the middle of the night. Think about trying to aim your flat ass for the toilet seat in the middle of the night. We chick-a-dees have to think about yaw, pitch, velocity, gravity and such. But if you miss? It's far less painful than my half-asleep ass trying to sit down on the john and hitting the floor instead. Broken tailbone? Anyone? Cussing that wakes up the entire house? Anyone?
8) Todd claims that no one complains if they are ever bumped in to by a rock hard vagina. I would never complain, but I would certainly call the CDC because that? Is a medical oddity right there.
9) According to Todd, his kids laugh and point at the Frank and Beans. Mine don’t laugh. But they do stare. At the previously mentioned, you know, overgrown lawn. That I don't have time to, you know, mow. And hiring a landscaping company would just be, you know, embarrassing.
10) And finally, Todd feels that a publicly masturbating man would be stopped, immediately, if caught. And that a woman? Would be invited to continue. Actually? I wouldn’t stop either one. Male or female. I would blush the deepest of reds and run, RUN! away, I tell you.
And here's where I add two more...
11) Guy is in a bad mood? People blame it on his team losing. Woman is in a bad mood? People blame it on her reproductive system. God, Heather! You're such a bitch today! Are you on the rag?!? No. Are you about to die from asphyxiation while I slowly choke you to death? I thought so.
12) Men go through male menopause? Meaning, their testosterone levels go down? They go out, buy Corvettes and cases of Just For Men, and marry women half their age. Women go through menopause? We're told it's like an illness that must be treated with hormones or supplements and then everything gets hot, then cold, then reeaaallly reeeaaaalllly hot, then cold, then CENTER OF THE SUN! and then you will just shrivel up, SHRIVEL I TELL YOU! and, oh, by the by, the hormones will make you feel better but will probably kill you with breast cancer so you get the hormones and the cancer and you have a double mastectomy so you still have the hormones but you have no boobs, your male-menopause husband is out flirting with girls in his sports car with his freshly dyed hair and you're at home with your 50-11 cats and your flat chest.*
How YOU doin'?
OK. I am now going to go and hide.
*Actually, the Ty-man will be out in his Corvette, with his Just For Men still fresh on his head, scoping out the toy stores for the latest Star Wars Extra-Special Most-Bestest Favoritest This-Time-the-Death-Star-Blows-Up-With-Screaming-Voice-Effects-Added action figures. While I? Will be at home with the cats and the Sean Connery and the Godiva. And the hormones. But still. It ain't right.
Showing posts with label male genitalia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label male genitalia. Show all posts
11 February 2010
12 January 2009
Snatch
Oh, yeah. You read that title right. But, you see, it's actually a double-entendre. One of my favorite bloggers, Functionally ReTodded, wrote a post a few days ago about how difficult it is to have a penis, how things dribble and can shift and that having a penis is not a guarantee of getting laid. Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Poor pitiful male me!!! Pity me! Boo. Hoo.
What a baby.
So, I'm "snatch"ing my comments from his post and creating a post of my own. Here are the ten reasons why I believe it's more difficult to have a 'gina than it is to have a penis.
OK. Maybe it's more like 12 reasons. And maybe it's more like "Twelve Reasons Why It's More Difficult to Have a 'Gina/Uterus/Ovaries Than It Is to Have a Penis."
Heh-hem.
NOTE TO MY SENSITIVE READERS: Yeah. I'm all "boobs-to-the-wall" on this post. I tend to cut loose more in my comments on others' blogs. So, I figured I might as well go commando here and just let 'em hang out. You have been warned.
1) Todd stated it is difficult for us ladies to get our groceries (my favorite genitalia euphemism) caught in a zipper. But when you’re eight months pregnant? And attempting to trim up the, you know, pubes (It's all downhill from here, people.) before the big day so the OB doesn’t have to hack his way through the sprawling rainforest Wookie-bush? You have a pretty good chance of ending up in the ER with a nicked clam-bake. Speaking from experience.
2) Shifting underpants may cause men to suddenly have to pee? Poor sweeties. Try a nine-month-old human standing on your bladder! Yeah. And then there's my personal favorite, Oh wait, gotta sneeze! Ker-chew! Aaaaaaaaand, now I'll go change my granny-panties. Gotch there, hon!
3) Todd was going on and on about "pee, yadda, yadda, shake it off, blah, blah, mouse (?), dribble on the khakis or down the leg." Um, yeah. All I’ve got to say about this is that when girls pee? We pee ALL over ourselves. Like, you have to wipe your back AND front sides. And the insides of the legs. And before you even sit down, you have to get half-naked and wipe the previous 15 ladies' pee off the seat because they all do the "squat and dribble" maneuver. It's never a straight stream. And it's never a dry moment.
4) Oh, please. The next time I hear some man-child whine about standing at the board in math class with a boner? I will LOSE IT! It is a known fact amongst womankind that every fracking time you wear white shorts or pants as a teen girl, you are guaran-fracking-teed to start your period. That day. No matter if you just had your period last week. Oh, yeah, big red stains on the crotch of your white capris is SUCH a popularity booster. That and cutting a big one (THAT ECHOED) while trying to hit a softball in sophomore gym class.
Repeat that last sentence to anyone? And I will cut you. Yeah, you.
5) When it comes to calming crying kids in the middle of the night and Daddy's Big Jim decides to take a peak at said kid? Us gals have the whole crooked tank top and nipplage issue. I'm just sayin'.
6) Todd says there's no guarantee of sex if one has a penis but if you have a vagina? You've got it in the bag. Did you people not read #4?!? Farting and visible menstruation does not a come-hither-gal make.
7) OK, seriously. Todd was just going on and on and on about how he has to concentrate on yaw, pitch, trajectory, WHATEVER, while he's peeing in the middle of the night. Think about trying to aim your flat ass for the toilet seat in the middle of the night. We chick-a-dees have to think about yaw, pitch, velocity, gravity and such. But if you miss? It's far less painful than my half-asleep ass trying to sit down on the john and hitting the floor instead. Broken tailbone? Anyone? Cussing that wakes up the entire house? Anyone?
8) Todd claims that no one complains if they are ever bumped in to by a rock hard vagina. I would never complain, but I would certainly call the CDC because that? Is a medical oddity right there.
9) According to Todd, his kids laugh and point at the Frank and Beans. Mine don’t laugh. But they do stare. At the previously mentioned, you know, overgrown lawn. That I don't have time to, you know, mow. And hiring a landscaping company would just be, you know, embarrassing.
10) And finally, Todd feels that a publicly masturbating man would be stopped, immediately, if caught. And that a woman? Would be invited to continue. Actually? I wouldn’t stop either one. Male or female. I would blush the deepest of reds and run, RUN! away, I tell you.
And here's where I add two more...
11) Guy is in a bad mood? People blame it on his team losing. Woman is in a bad mood? People blame it on her reproductive system. God, Heather! You're such a bitch today! Are you on the rag?!? No. Are you about to die from asphyxiation while I slowly choke you to death? I thought so.
12) Men go through male menopause? Meaning, their testosterone levels go down? They go out, buy Corvettes and cases of Just For Men, and marry women half their age. Women go through menopause? We're told it's like an illness that must be treated with hormones or supplements and then everything gets hot, then cold, then reeaaallly reeeaaaalllly hot, then cold, then CENTER OF THE SUN! and then you will just shrivel up, SHRIVEL I TELL YOU! and, oh, by the by, the hormones will make you feel better but will probably kill you with breast cancer so you get the hormones and the cancer and you have a double mastectomy so you still have the hormones but you have no boobs, your male-menopause husband is out flirting with girls in his sports car with his freshly dyed hair and you are at home with your 50-11 cats and your flat chest.*
How YOU doin'?
OK. I am now going to go and hide.
*Actually, the Ty-man will be out in his Corvette, with his Just For Men still fresh on his head, scoping out the toy stores for the latest Star Wars Extra-Special Most-Bestest Favoritest This-Time-the-Death-Star-Blows-Up-With-Screaming-Voice-Effects-Added action figures. While I? Will be at home with the cats and the Sean Connery and the Godiva. And the hormones. But still. It ain't right.
What a baby.
So, I'm "snatch"ing my comments from his post and creating a post of my own. Here are the ten reasons why I believe it's more difficult to have a 'gina than it is to have a penis.
OK. Maybe it's more like 12 reasons. And maybe it's more like "Twelve Reasons Why It's More Difficult to Have a 'Gina/Uterus/Ovaries Than It Is to Have a Penis."
Heh-hem.
NOTE TO MY SENSITIVE READERS: Yeah. I'm all "boobs-to-the-wall" on this post. I tend to cut loose more in my comments on others' blogs. So, I figured I might as well go commando here and just let 'em hang out. You have been warned.
1) Todd stated it is difficult for us ladies to get our groceries (my favorite genitalia euphemism) caught in a zipper. But when you’re eight months pregnant? And attempting to trim up the, you know, pubes (It's all downhill from here, people.) before the big day so the OB doesn’t have to hack his way through the sprawling rainforest Wookie-bush? You have a pretty good chance of ending up in the ER with a nicked clam-bake. Speaking from experience.
2) Shifting underpants may cause men to suddenly have to pee? Poor sweeties. Try a nine-month-old human standing on your bladder! Yeah. And then there's my personal favorite, Oh wait, gotta sneeze! Ker-chew! Aaaaaaaaand, now I'll go change my granny-panties. Gotch there, hon!
3) Todd was going on and on about "pee, yadda, yadda, shake it off, blah, blah, mouse (?), dribble on the khakis or down the leg." Um, yeah. All I’ve got to say about this is that when girls pee? We pee ALL over ourselves. Like, you have to wipe your back AND front sides. And the insides of the legs. And before you even sit down, you have to get half-naked and wipe the previous 15 ladies' pee off the seat because they all do the "squat and dribble" maneuver. It's never a straight stream. And it's never a dry moment.
4) Oh, please. The next time I hear some man-child whine about standing at the board in math class with a boner? I will LOSE IT! It is a known fact amongst womankind that every fracking time you wear white shorts or pants as a teen girl, you are guaran-fracking-teed to start your period. That day. No matter if you just had your period last week. Oh, yeah, big red stains on the crotch of your white capris is SUCH a popularity booster. That and cutting a big one (THAT ECHOED) while trying to hit a softball in sophomore gym class.
Repeat that last sentence to anyone? And I will cut you. Yeah, you.
5) When it comes to calming crying kids in the middle of the night and Daddy's Big Jim decides to take a peak at said kid? Us gals have the whole crooked tank top and nipplage issue. I'm just sayin'.
6) Todd says there's no guarantee of sex if one has a penis but if you have a vagina? You've got it in the bag. Did you people not read #4?!? Farting and visible menstruation does not a come-hither-gal make.
7) OK, seriously. Todd was just going on and on and on about how he has to concentrate on yaw, pitch, trajectory, WHATEVER, while he's peeing in the middle of the night. Think about trying to aim your flat ass for the toilet seat in the middle of the night. We chick-a-dees have to think about yaw, pitch, velocity, gravity and such. But if you miss? It's far less painful than my half-asleep ass trying to sit down on the john and hitting the floor instead. Broken tailbone? Anyone? Cussing that wakes up the entire house? Anyone?
8) Todd claims that no one complains if they are ever bumped in to by a rock hard vagina. I would never complain, but I would certainly call the CDC because that? Is a medical oddity right there.
9) According to Todd, his kids laugh and point at the Frank and Beans. Mine don’t laugh. But they do stare. At the previously mentioned, you know, overgrown lawn. That I don't have time to, you know, mow. And hiring a landscaping company would just be, you know, embarrassing.
10) And finally, Todd feels that a publicly masturbating man would be stopped, immediately, if caught. And that a woman? Would be invited to continue. Actually? I wouldn’t stop either one. Male or female. I would blush the deepest of reds and run, RUN! away, I tell you.
And here's where I add two more...
11) Guy is in a bad mood? People blame it on his team losing. Woman is in a bad mood? People blame it on her reproductive system. God, Heather! You're such a bitch today! Are you on the rag?!? No. Are you about to die from asphyxiation while I slowly choke you to death? I thought so.
12) Men go through male menopause? Meaning, their testosterone levels go down? They go out, buy Corvettes and cases of Just For Men, and marry women half their age. Women go through menopause? We're told it's like an illness that must be treated with hormones or supplements and then everything gets hot, then cold, then reeaaallly reeeaaaalllly hot, then cold, then CENTER OF THE SUN! and then you will just shrivel up, SHRIVEL I TELL YOU! and, oh, by the by, the hormones will make you feel better but will probably kill you with breast cancer so you get the hormones and the cancer and you have a double mastectomy so you still have the hormones but you have no boobs, your male-menopause husband is out flirting with girls in his sports car with his freshly dyed hair and you are at home with your 50-11 cats and your flat chest.*
How YOU doin'?
OK. I am now going to go and hide.
*Actually, the Ty-man will be out in his Corvette, with his Just For Men still fresh on his head, scoping out the toy stores for the latest Star Wars Extra-Special Most-Bestest Favoritest This-Time-the-Death-Star-Blows-Up-With-Screaming-Voice-Effects-Added action figures. While I? Will be at home with the cats and the Sean Connery and the Godiva. And the hormones. But still. It ain't right.
26 October 2007
'Scuse me?
Yes, you've read right. According to justsayhi.com (yes, I know, it's a dating site, that also, I might add, offers widgets for blogs) my humble corner of the blogosphere is rated NC-17. NC-17?!?!? NC-Friggin'-17. Unbelievable. Following is the rating system's reasons for rating me NC-17.I have previously mentioned penis five times, hell four times, vulva three times, orifice twice, and whore once in all of my posts. First off, orifice? They're holding it against me for using orifice? I could have been talking about my nostrils, for chrissake! No, you're right, I was speaking of the human genitalia in that post, but still. Come on. Give me the benefit of the doubt!
My uses of penis, vulva, and orifice were for purely educational purposes. I was trying to point out how difficult it is to teach my kids the proper terms for their genitalia rather than cutesy euphemisms. Oh, and? I used vagina and clitoris in that post and they didn't count those. Hmmmmm. Hell is a just a very mild cuss word for me, and whore? Well, whore was used in a post title regarding my pitiful addictions and in another referring to my mother's late crack-whore, 'scuse me, crack-working-girl neighbor. And, why didn't they count against me for genitalia? I would say the word genitalia is more "offensive" than orifice. Sheesh.
Anyhoo, counting this post, my offensive word count is now as follows:
penis - 8
hell - 7
vulva - 6
orifice - 8
whore - 5
Stay tuned, people! More unintentional offensiveness to follow!
18 October 2007
Boys Have a Penis, Girls Have a 'Gina!
Yes, you read the title right. Tonight's post is a doozy and not for the faint-of-heart. If you think you can handle it, read on.
When pregnant with the twins, we discussed getting them to sleep through the night, breast- vs. bottle-feeding, stomach or back sleeping, twins sharing the crib or having separate cribs, yadda, yadda. Something we didn't talk about was "What will we call the private parts?" One morning while changing Bubba's diaper, Ty-man said something to the effect of, "I'm not sure how I feel 'bout touching another man's rhubarb." I, of course, immediately collapsed onto the floor snorting and laughing hysterically. Later, he referred to Bubba's manhood as his "peabody." So, Peabody was born. After that, anytime we referred to his penis, we called it Peabody. Peabody this and Peabody that. How cute.
Being fraternal boy/girl twins, Bubba and Miss-Miss watch one another during diaper changes. Miss-Miss began to notice Bubba's Peabody, pointing to it during bath time and looking down at herself. You could tell she was trying to figure out, "Where's mine?" About this time, the subject came up with Supermom Kristi and she said that you should use the proper words for private parts because if your child is ever sexually molested, they will be able to use the proper terms in a court of law and that would make a case against the molester more solid. OooooooKaaaaaay. I had never thought of it that way. This is why I consult Kristi on a regular basis. She thinks about stuff like this. So, Peabody went bye-bye and Penis came to stay.
Eventually, Miss-Miss began to ask about her private parts. She would point and make an inquisitive sound. Well, if you know anything about female genitalia, there's more to it than just the vagina. So, about a month ago, I found myself on the phone with friend Teri and mentioned my quandary to her. So, off to Wikipedia she went and there we were, looking at explanations, graphics, and pictures of the female genitalia. After much infantile snickering and juvenile comments, we got down to business. Let's see. There's the clitoris, the mons pubis (Sounds like something on the Moon.), the prepuce (OK, that sounds like a bug larvae.), the urethral orifice (One of my parts is referred to as an orifice?), the vagina (duh), the labia majora, and finally the labia minoria. Dear. God. Turns out, all of that is collectively referred to as the Vulva. Vulva. Let me repeat that to try it out. Vuuuulllllvvvvvaaaaa. Right.
So, now, whenever Miss-Miss points to herself, we say, (with respect to great friend Chip), "Those are your groceries." Hell, she'll be confused whenever she goes to a Kroger, but at least we've saved face when we can't remember the litany of proper names of the external female genitalia.
P.S. My apologies to you, Chris. I know you're sitting in front of your computer screen, in a catatonic state, unable to move, because of this post's content. When you've recovered, shoot me an e-mail and let me know you're alive!
When pregnant with the twins, we discussed getting them to sleep through the night, breast- vs. bottle-feeding, stomach or back sleeping, twins sharing the crib or having separate cribs, yadda, yadda. Something we didn't talk about was "What will we call the private parts?" One morning while changing Bubba's diaper, Ty-man said something to the effect of, "I'm not sure how I feel 'bout touching another man's rhubarb." I, of course, immediately collapsed onto the floor snorting and laughing hysterically. Later, he referred to Bubba's manhood as his "peabody." So, Peabody was born. After that, anytime we referred to his penis, we called it Peabody. Peabody this and Peabody that. How cute.
Being fraternal boy/girl twins, Bubba and Miss-Miss watch one another during diaper changes. Miss-Miss began to notice Bubba's Peabody, pointing to it during bath time and looking down at herself. You could tell she was trying to figure out, "Where's mine?" About this time, the subject came up with Supermom Kristi and she said that you should use the proper words for private parts because if your child is ever sexually molested, they will be able to use the proper terms in a court of law and that would make a case against the molester more solid. OooooooKaaaaaay. I had never thought of it that way. This is why I consult Kristi on a regular basis. She thinks about stuff like this. So, Peabody went bye-bye and Penis came to stay.
Eventually, Miss-Miss began to ask about her private parts. She would point and make an inquisitive sound. Well, if you know anything about female genitalia, there's more to it than just the vagina. So, about a month ago, I found myself on the phone with friend Teri and mentioned my quandary to her. So, off to Wikipedia she went and there we were, looking at explanations, graphics, and pictures of the female genitalia. After much infantile snickering and juvenile comments, we got down to business. Let's see. There's the clitoris, the mons pubis (Sounds like something on the Moon.), the prepuce (OK, that sounds like a bug larvae.), the urethral orifice (One of my parts is referred to as an orifice?), the vagina (duh), the labia majora, and finally the labia minoria. Dear. God. Turns out, all of that is collectively referred to as the Vulva. Vulva. Let me repeat that to try it out. Vuuuulllllvvvvvaaaaa. Right.
So, now, whenever Miss-Miss points to herself, we say, (with respect to great friend Chip), "Those are your groceries." Hell, she'll be confused whenever she goes to a Kroger, but at least we've saved face when we can't remember the litany of proper names of the external female genitalia.
P.S. My apologies to you, Chris. I know you're sitting in front of your computer screen, in a catatonic state, unable to move, because of this post's content. When you've recovered, shoot me an e-mail and let me know you're alive!
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