23 October 2007

The Meanest Things I've Ever Done

I'm a pessimist. Nine times out of ten, when given a compliment, I'll downplay said compliment with a negative because I don't know how to take anything nice said to me. It's difficult to say "Thank you" and leave it at that. That having been said, I don't like to "toot my own horn" and knowing that, the title of this post isn't "The Nicest Things I've Ever Done." Yeah, I've done nice things for people, but I've also been mean and, a couple of times, rather evil. So, think of this as the blogger confessional. I'm here to share my "sins" with you. Because, let's face it, it's more fun to sin that to be good! :-)

This is Teri's favorite story. My mom had this crack-whore (literally, she was a drug addict who prostituted herself) living across the street from her in West Virginia. This lovely woman was also afflicted with cancer and AIDS. Nice. Anyhoo, she made life hell for Mom and her two, really nice and sweet 80-year-old neighbors. One Christmas, while loading up the car to leave, Crack-Whore is coming down the street with her Doberman and I hear her say, while staring down my mom, "Sick her!" I lost it. We ended up having a Jerry Springer-type yelling match in the middle of the street and I ended it with the words, "And, you have cancer and I HOPE YOU DIE!" And, you guessed it, 16 months later, the cancer took her. I know her lifestyle killed her and not my curse, but the nice, goody-two-shoes part of me can't help but feel bad. Of course, the devilish side of me is quite proud of myself!

This one is pretty mild. I was president of my sorority in college, it was the last day of school (time to load up the car with all of my crap and head 500 miles home), and I find out that my rush chairman never returned three GIANT tanks of helium to a rental company in Gainesville, Georgia. So, there I am, trying to arrange a male-truck owning-fellow collegian to take these tanks back to the rental company (because my parents' Dodge Shadow was bursting to full), and in the meantime, I leave my chairman the nastiest, full of foul language, phone message I can muster. Not proud of that, but I did get my point across.

My first real job out of college included a manager that did not like me. We were like oil and water and, in my opinion, she was a horrible manager and rather mean to me. So, after I left that job, I sent her a Management for Dummies book for Christmas, anonymously of course (I'm such a pussy). Oh, and? She's a close friend of my in-laws and it was my in-laws' company. Yeah, probably a bad decision.

And, the top prize for "Meanest Thing I've Ever Done" is the following. A former friend divorced his wife for cheating on him and re-married one month later, to someone he hardly knew. In the meantime, we found out some less-than-desirable things about him and the mean and untrue things he had said about us. He and the new wife were keeping their marriage a secret from her family so that his in-laws would pay for their grand church wedding nine months later and for their week-long Caribbean honeymoon. So, to get back at him for being such an ass to us, I got a copy of their original Tennessee marriage certificate and sent it to her family the day after their big church wedding. Yeah, they were kicked out of her family's house upon return from the honeymoon. Classic. Quite proud of that one.

So, what are the meanest things you've ever done, dear readers? Let me know!


Unknown said...

Oooof. I'm gonna have to plead the 5th on this one. No need in EVERYONE who reads your blog knowing I'm a psycho chick. You know, and that's enough for me. ;-)

The Ferryman said...

Well...I have done a lot of mean and horrible things. Many of them I will take to the grave.

Let's see...

Back when we lived up in MA, there was this guy who lived a couple of apartments down from us that I didn't like. I don't remember why I didn't like him, I just didn't.

The apartments were a row of 8 townhouses, and all the mailboxes were together in the entrance to the laundry room.

One day I discovered that a piece of mail of his was in our box. It looked official, so I opened it. It was the results of some police exam he took, and he did not pass.

I enclosed a note about what an idiot he was and sealed it back up inside the envelope and put it in his box.

I figured, why not pile it on?

Another time we had another neighbor I didn't like, and a couple of times I unscrewed their license plate and threw it away in the dumpster.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Damn Heather! That marriage license thing was AWESOME!! Good for you!

I am sure I have done plenty in my time. The only thing that comes to mind right now is at my last job, there was a woman who did not like me but came to the baby shower the staff threw for me (for the free food, I am sure).

Her "gift" to me consisted of a few purse packs of Kleenex and a little plastic bowl that looked like it had seen better days. Some of my friends came to me afterwards and warned me NOT to use the bowl. Turns out she had been bragging to other people that she did not want to buy me a present but had scrounged around in her cupboard and found the bowl that someone had left behind at her house.

She could have just come for the food--why did she have to be such a bitch? And she was in her late 50's, not like some young bitchy chick.

So in her thank you note, I thanked her for the Kleenex--but at the top of the card I wrote the biblical verse Galatians 6:7-8. I am not overly religious, my many in my office were. I knew that she would ask one of the other women what the verse meant. It is the verse that states: You reap what you sow.

I left the thank you card on her desk. The next day she brought me a onesie as a gift with some lame ass excuse as to why she was giving it to me. I didn't want it, it was not my intention for her to give me a NEW gift. But obviously she felt guilty and knew that I KNEW. LOL I thought I was pretty clever!