26 November 2007

You Can't Make This Stuff Up!

Dear God. Where do I start? I'm laughing with incredulity as I type this. I'm smacking my forehead in disbelief. I'm chanting ohmygodohmygodohmygod over and over again. I'm... completely and utterly speechless.

I guess you could call this post a public service announcement for my male readers - a bit of comedy for the ladies. Here goes.

There's a perfume out on the market called Vulva. (Whoops! There goes my blog rating again.) Seriously, something you smell called Vulva. Wait, just re-checked the site. It's not a perfume, it's a precious, vaginal odour. Allow me to quote directly, 'cause they do a better job of describing this stuff than I ever could:

The erotic, intimate scent of an irresistible woman... The precious, vaginal odour filled into a small glass phial. The phial is shaken gently, only a tiny amount of the precious, organic substance is applied onto the back of the hand... and the irresistible smell that exudes from a sensuous vagina immediately intensifies your erotic fantasies and starts the film rolling in your head...

Vulva Original is not a perfume. It is a beguiling vaginal scent which is purely a substance for your own smelling pleasure. Breathe in and enjoy, anytime, the odour of a beautiful woman.

OK. First (oh, this is going to be a long post) precious, organic substance? Does this mean that contained in these phials is actual vaginal secretions? Is there a mysterious, underground lab somewhere in Europe with a large group of European women, all sitting around watching porn and masturbating over beakers? That's the image I get when I think of the collection of this stuff.

Second, odour of a beautiful woman? How can we be sure that the essence in said phials is that of beautiful women? Personally, I think that squatting over these phials are some fugly-ass, nasty women, eating Cheetos and calling their kids about getting to soccer practice on time and not playing video games when they get home. Now, that would be justice.

When you go the site, you have the option of watching a video, a sort of how-to instructional video. There's a really creepy Euro-trash, male-model wanna be, watching two beautiful, naked women prance around. He's really creepy. He puts a drop of Vulva on his hand and takes a whiff. Then, his fantasy begins. Two chicks together, a chick wearing a Vulva t-shirt (which can be had off the site for the bargain price of 20,90 euros), and finally he begins watching the two chicks just off to his left. Finally, the how-to vid ends with a close-up of creepy boy, sniffing the odour, with the girls on either side of him. All I can do is laugh and shake my head.

Finally, the best parts of the site. You guys will say it's the Playboy-ish photo gallery. For me it's the t-shirt and panties you can purchase in addition to the odour. Now, the t-shirts and panties are for girls and I'm assuming that if a guy is buying Vulva, he doesn't have a significant other. This loser is buying a phial of vaginal essence to sit at home, in front of his video games, to sniff the back of his hand and to use the other hand to entertain himself because he has no female significant other. Why would he need to buy t-shirt and panties for a girl? There isn't one!

And it is here I finally impart to you, dear readers, the address of this Web site. It's emblazoned all over the t-shirts. Ready for it? Remember, I can't make this stuff up (and it's sooooo not work safe....


Go forth and enjoy!

If any of you are keeping track, my nasty, NC-17 rated, dirty word count is now:

penis - 9
hell - 13
orifice - 9
whore - 6
vulva - 12!!!!

Oh, and? Time for my shameless plug. I'm participating in The Great Quill Driving Competition #4. The great Cindra puts this on twice a month (or whenever the heck she feels like it). She'll write a post, highlight 18 words in the post, then the entrants have a week to come up with a short story, poem, haikus, whatever, that includes those 18 words and more. I have entered. Head on over here and vote for your fave. Not telling you which one is mine. It's totally anonymous and telling you wouldn't be fair. Go and vote!


Anonymous said...

Perhaps because I am a woman...and not a lesbian...and I've had babies and all...but eww,that's gross.
My only question is...just how did you find that site, my dear;)
Too funny!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Echoing the omgomgomgomgomg out here! What the f*ck are people thinking! Dude, I want a t-shirt just because of the absurdity of it all.

Thanks for such a great post! I needed the laugh today!

Unknown said...

Do you realize the money opportunity we've been missing all this time? We could have been filling phials all along and selling them!

Not that I actually would, mind you... Ew!

But I also want to know... How did you find this?

Military Mom said...

Wow, I don't quite know what to say about that, but eewwwwwww!!!!!!! I'm with them, how did you find this? This is not the kind of site you run across by chance! Great for a laugh though, thanks!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Okay, just watched the video with hubbie. OMG that is a crack up! No pun intended, of course.

How in the HELL are they getting this ORGANIC substance (or whatever they call it) into the phials? I get this image of row after row of women sitting over a bucket, milking their clits until their juices start flowing. LOL For godssake! I can just see the classified ad now, "Looking for expert female ejaculators. Please be able to perform on demand." ROFLMFAO

The Ferryman said...

Clearly I have been a very bad influence on you.

Cricky said...