29 December 2007

Handing in My Mensa Membership

OK, let's say you get into your Acura TL, ready for some more shopping, but needing to make a call or dick around on your iPhone.

So, you lock your doors. Can't be too careful when you're a woman out on your own for the day.

But, you don't lock the doors with the inside door lock. No, you lock the doors via the key fob. You're just lazy that way.

So you diddle about on the iPhone, finish what you were doing, and insert the key into the ignition.

Did you know that if you've locked the doors with the key fob, that then starting the car sets off the car alarm?

And did you also know that absolutely nothing you do, no button you push, no cuss words you scream or utter, will stop said alarm?

You can even put the car in drive, peel out of the parking lot, and drive away like a banshee (or a suspected car thief) and the friggin' thing will still continue to go off?

Do you want to know what will finally shut it off?

Push the unlock button on the key fob.

I. Shit. You. Not.

Hi, Mensa International? This is Heather, member number ######. Yeah, I was a total dumb-ass yesterday with my husband's Acura and the setting off of his car alarm. I'm pretty sure that my I.Q. score has remained stable since joining your fine organization 17 years ago, but the rest of me is decidedly unstable. I just figured that screwing up so badly in the driving a car department, losing many common sense points in the last few years post-childbirth, that you might want my card back.

Oh, you're going to send another member over here to cut up my card and give me a caning? Then, I have to solve 15 Mensa sudoku puzzles, in a row, in 15 minutes or less? Then, I have to call every other Mensa member and profusely apologize for dragging our organization into such an embarrassing and boneheaded situation? Then I have to sit through a Star Trek marathon, watching every single TOS, TNG, DS9, Voyager and Enterprise episode, along with all ten movies? Yes, I understand. I'm down with that. Then, I have to calculate how many hours of my life it will take to perform such a feat? Yep, got it.

I'll be expecting your representative tomorrow. Thanks.


B said...

We used to have a Camry with the alarm and door lock from the key fob. The battery was low one day and it wouldn't open the locks. So I told hubby to just put the key in the lock and open it. I knew it would set the alarm off, but figured once we opened the doors and started the engine it would stop the alarm. Not so. So there we sat in our car, alarm blaring, outside a restaurant with everyone staring at us like we were idiots. The car wouldn't start because it thought we were trying to steal it, I guess. I realy felt like we were Al & Peg Bundy living an episode of Married With Children. So don't feel so bad...you're not the only person to do such a silly thing! Don't call Mensa just yet. :)

T. said...

I'm actually more intrigued by the Mensa membership. What does that entail exactly? Are there any benefits to it? Do you guys have like regular meetings and networking functions? Are Mensa members noticably smarter than other people in conversation, or do you not notice the smartness until you get in deeper conversation with them?

I've always been curious about that club.

RiverPoet said...

Geez, Heather! Did you laugh your butt off once you figured it all out? Sometimes I miss the kinds of car door locks we could unlock with a coat hanger if we locked ourselves out :-)

Funny Mensa story for you.

I used to work with a bunch of fellow geeks installing military medical information systems. Occasionally we would land in one of two coastal offices together, gearing up for the next release. During this time, one of our members would (no shit) wear her Mensa medallion on its blue ribbon around her neck. I found it really, really funny that I was just as good at my job without the medallion and without a college degree. Nothing against Mensa, mind you, but she was a piece of work.

There. That took your mind off of things, I'm sure.

Peace - D

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Oh my god! As soon as I read the words "key fob" I KNEW where this post was going. At least the car let you drive. My key fob on my Jeep is so old and decrepit that it only works on occasion. I have learned (the hard way) that if the alarm goes off, putting the key in the ignition and cranking it will NOT make it better. It will only kill the car. So then, there you sit with your key trapped in the ignition and the horn blaring. Sigh.

Thanks for the laugh--I really can imagine you driving down the street. Gives me the giggles.

The Ferryman said...

Well, I hate to say it, but I saw this coming a few weeks ago at lunch. I mean, if you can't even figure out which soup is yours...

Avitable said...

And you're not even blonde!