21 December 2007

It's the Most Snarkiest Time of the Year!

OK, fair warning people! This post is full of it! Not the brown stuff, noooooo. It's full of cussin', bitchin', and general snarkin'. Whew! If you don't want to see the F word completely spelled out and used in full force, move along people! Move along nothing to read here....
OK, you were warned.

I'm sure that you, dear readers (all five of you), are as inundated with spam as me. On good, happy days, I hum the Monty Python Spam song while deleting said spam messages. Today? Not so much.

Today, I've had it.

Kids are whiny with colds.

House is a wreck (because every damned time I clean it up, the twin terrors just trash it again).

Christmas is four days away with family arriving in two and I just don't feel ready.

So, in my usual highly-agitated state of "Dear God! I'm not ready! I'm just not ready! Calgon, take me away!" - I received not one, but three spam e-mails, from the same sender, in the span of 30 seconds.

That was it.

This demanded a response of the bitchiest kind.

I share with you, Mr. Mathew Okon's spam-mail with my kind responses to him in italicized parentheses. I'm nothing if not thorough.

Call:+234 803 442 2909

Dear Friend (a.k.a., someone whom I hope is extremely gullible and loose with their cash),

First, I must solicit your confidence in this transaction; this is by virtue if it's nature as being utterly CONFIDENTIAL and TOP SECRET (meaning: completely illegal). Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make anyone apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day (until you realize that your money is gone and that you'll be butt-fucked in prison when your cellie drops the soap in the communal shower). We have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction, as we have been reliably informed of your discreteness and ability in transactions of this nature (meaning: we e-mailed every permutation of heather@somewhere.com/org/net we could think of and hoped for the best).

Let me start by first introducing myself properly to you. I am MR. MATHEW OKON an Accountant with the Union Bank of Nigeria Plc (a.k.a. Sal Michaelson of Schenectady, New York, formerly of Rikers Island prison). I came to know of you in my private search (see last aside in above paragraph) for a reliable and Reputable person (oooh, he spelled reputable with a capital R - must mean he knows me - ooooo) to handle this confidential transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to a foreign account requiring maximum confidence. (Does this idiot think I was born yesterday? Guess so.)


A foreigner Late Engineer Walter Tang Min a native of your country (Really? With a name like Tang Min, I would have thought... gee I don't know... he may have been a native of CHINA? Vietnam? Korea? Really? The US? 'Kay, I'll go with it.) was a Pipeline Engineer with the Federal Government (Oh, the same Nigerian government that's robbing its citizens blind with this whole oil thing. Yeah), until his death five years ago in a pipeline Fire Incidents in warri, banked with us here at Union Bank Plc. Lagos, and had a closing balance of US$13.5M (Oh, OK, I'm expected to believe that some Chinese schmo who was an oil/geologist-type engineer with the crooked Nigerian government-run oil industry, has over 13 mil in the bank. Riiiiight. You know what, Mathew? I've got some great beach-front property in Kansas that I think you'll like.) which the bank now unquestionably (oh, of course, unquestionably) expects it to be claimed by any available foreign next-of-kin of the Late beneficiary or alternatively be donated to a discredited trust fund for arms and Ammunition at a military war college herein Nigeria. (That's supposed to make me feel guilty. If I don't help you, I'm inadvertently funding arms in Nigeria. I could give a shit.)

Fervent valuable efforts are being made by the Union Bank to get in touch with any of the Late Engr. Walter Tang Min family or relatives but proved to avail (Obviously didn't try hard enough. How many "Tang Min's" are there in the US. Three?). It is because of the perceived possibility of not being able to locate any of Late Engr. Walter Tang Min 's next-of-kin (he had no known wife and children) that the management under the influence of our chairman and member of the board of rectors, retired Major General Aku W.Aku (Huh? Aku W.Aku? Say it fast. Isn't that a Disney character from "Lion King?"), that an arrangement be made for the funds to be declared "UNCLAIMABLE"and subsequently be donated to the Trust Fund for Arms and Ammunition to further enhance the course of war in Africa and the world in general. (Again with the guilt.)

In order to avert this negative development (This is a negative development? Dude, I'm a gun-owner. I could give a shit if some lame-ass Nigerian NRA gets this dough. Hell, if you were to send it to me, I'd donate it to the US NRA just to spite you!), so of my trusted colleagues and I now seek your permission to have you stand as a next-of-kin to Late Engr. Walter Tang Min (Hi, yeah. So, like, my name is Heather Wang Chung and I'm Walter Tang Min's third cuzin, once 'moved. Since I'm from West "By God!" Virginia, that means that he's my sweetie and we were goin' ta get hitched! Sooooo, could I have the dough? I need to pay fer my moonshine still up in the holler and git my cuzin Buford out of jail.) so that the funds US$13.5M would be released and paid into your bank account as the beneficiary next-of-kin. All documents and proves to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out and more so we are assuring you of a 100% risk free involvement. (Riiiiiiiight.)

Your share stays while the rest would be for my colleagues for and myself Investment purposes in your country ('Scuse me? If I'm idiot enough to pose as this imaginary person's next-of-kin, risking my personal freedom and small, meager, paying-to-feed-three-kids bank account, you ain't seein' NONE of this $13.5 million. I'm keepin' it, dog!). We have agreed that, the funds will be shared thus, after it has been transferred into your account

1. 30% of the money will go to you for acting as the beneficiary of the funds. (No, I think you made a typo there. That 3 should be a 1 and there needs to be a second 0.)

2. 10% will be set aside for reimbursement to both parties for any incidental expenses that may be incurred in the course of the transfer. (Oh, gee, you mean like my BAIL?!?!? My LAWYER FEES?!?!?! My hospital bill after Dwayne "Dog" Chapman hunts my ass down and throws me onto the pavement? !?!?! My husband's years of therapy to get him through this stupidity?!?!?!)

3. 60% to us the originators of the transaction. (Um, in a word? Fuckno.)

If this proposal is acceptable by you (NOT!) and you do not wish to take undue advantage of the trust, we hope to bestow on you and your company (Stay-at-home-mom-listening-to-three-kids-fuss-and-scream-all-day, Inc.), then kindly get to me immediately via my private Email:mathew_okon47@excite.com (Oh, I will, not to worry.) for security reason. Furnishing me with your most confidential telephone (Would that be the red Bat Phone? Number 888-FUCK-YOU?), fax number (See previous number.) and exclusive bank particulars (I bank at the First National None-of-Your-God-damned-Business) so that I can use this information to apply for the release and subsequent transfer of the funds in your favor Thank you in advance for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

Mathew, Mathew, Mathew. First, if you want me to believe this BS? Learn English grammar and spelling. Pick a new country and imaginary person for your made-up scenario. And don't e-mail me on a bad day. I still won't help you out, but at least you won't hear back from me!

Love, Heather :-)


The Ferryman said...

You are so cynical for one so young. It sounds legitimate to me. I say go for it.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I said god damn!!! You are truly my kindred spirit! I wish I could have been sitting next to you sucking down a bottle, um I mean glass of wine while you typed that out and sent it! We could have high-fived each other and then moved on to the chocolate and coffee. Hang in there, hon. Your holidays will be great.

Cricky said...

Right on Heather. You'd think the dumbasses would come up with a new scheme by now.

Unknown said...

How in the world did I miss this post?!? This is absolutely hilarious, and right in line with my thoughts! :)

If we ever decide not to be straight anymore, Heather, would you marry me? (that, of course, also assumes we relocate to a state that allows same-sex marriages)

Michael Brown said...

Scam Baiters

you just have to read-it. There is justice in the world.