19 December 2007

The Joy That Is Neill Cumpston

See, some people read the Bible. Others? The Koran. Me? I religiously check out Ain't It Cool each and every morning. If you don't know about this Web site, it was started back in 1996 by a freak of a movie junkie, Harry Knowles. I've been reading it ever since. You want insider news about an upcoming movie? Get there. Want to know how a TV episode finale ends one day before it's aired? Check it out. Knowles has spies everywhere and he is the bane of the movie studios' existence. This ain't no Ebert & Roper "two thumbs up" crap, this is honesty at it's sometimes weirdest.

My favorite reviewer is Neill Cumpston. None of the reviewers use their real names and Neill is some kind of weird, speed-freak of a movie reviewer. I think you have to either be tweaking or out of your ever-loving mind to fully understand his reviews. But, either way, you will laugh your ass off! He is legendary for his first review regarding Blade II and just today, he posted a review regarding J.J. Abrams' super-secret project known only as Cloverfield - in theaters January 18th. In his Passion of the Christ and Dawn of the Dead review he refers to Jesus as "the original zombie (O.Z. – only super good-looking and not smelly)" since he arose from the dead - just like a zombie.

Anyhoo, for your reading pleasure, I give you the reviews of Mr. Cumpston along with a quote from each review, just to whet your appetite for more. I'm tellin' ya, the man is damaged, but in a good way. Strap on your hard hats and prepare to snort liquid out your nose....

Blade II (Also, if you see it with your girlfriend you'll automatically break up because hey, chicks stay away from this one. Go see "Wedding Planner" or that other one with the British guy and the bookstore and the cute dog and the herbal tea because this movie isn't for the chicks. Maybe for the chicks who ride motorcycles and can beat up pit bulls, maybe...)
Matrix Reloaded (Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart...)
X-Men 2 (There’s also a mutant called Hottie Asian, I think, but she’s got claws like Wolverine, and we find out where Wolverine got his claws, and they have a fight and the way Wolverine beats her you’re like, “That sort of sucks ‘cause I’d like to see her back” but sometimes cool characters gets Darth Mauled but that’s the breaks.)
Passion of Christ and Dawn of the Dead (It made me yell, “Jesus Christ on a cross!” even the scenes that didn’t have Jesus Christ on a cross.)
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (The ring is also evil but you keep thinking, while you watch it, that someone should put it on and check out some boobs. I have a feeling those scenes will be in the DVDs.)
Cloverfield (The movie starts off really sh***y though, with all this stuff about a young couple that’s in love, and she’s hot and he’s hot and I’m all like, “Who’s filming the Ambercrombie and Fitch catalogue?”)


The Ferryman said...

Who reads the Bible?

Avitable said...

Yeah, I saw his Cloverfield review a few days ago. "It's like a pussy that eats you out!" should be their new tagline.

I went to the Bye-Bye Buffy Bash in Hollywood where they had the series finale, and met Herc and Moriarty, along with Amber Benson and a few of the minor characters. It was awesome!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Very funny. I will definitely have to add him to my reading list.

Did you get the felt bags?

Unknown said...

Ack! Not another site I have no time to read! It's all your fault I'm now reading Not Afraid to Use It's site!

These quotes are hilarious, so I may have to check it out anyway... At least you read GOOD sites and GOOD blogs. :)

Speaking of NA2UI, or actually TO NA2UI, mentioning felt bags without explaining yourself could be dangerous in this crowd! LOL!