31 January 2008

Nothin' But Class!

Yeah, that's right. It's a classy blog, CofaCMG! Lots and lots of class. How do I know? Military Mom says so, that's how!

Here's what she has to say about my class: "My girl Heather, at Coalminer's Granddaughter because she is sincerely the sweetest person I have never met. And her? She knows how to class it up. What says 'Classy' better than 2 snot posts in one week? I ask you? Love it."

So, in light of snot posts making the joint classy, how much more classy can you get than a sigmoidoscopy?

Oh yes. I. Went. There.

All over it.

See, as if January 30th isn't already a horrible-enough day for me, I need to go off to my gastroenterologist and have a sigmoidoscopy.

What, pray-tell, is this sigmoidoscopy I speak of?

According to Wikipedia (which knows everything about everything - shuh) a sigmoidoscopy (gad - how many more times am I going to type it?) is a "minimally invasive medical examination of the large intestine from the rectum through the last part of the colon."


What that oh so fabulous definition doesn't tell you is that a sigmoidoscopy (keeping count?) is a "minimally physically invasive, highly emotionally invasive, medical examination of the large intestine from the rectum through the last part of the colon, during which you will be laying on your left side, experiencing your GI doc's Vaseline-covered finger shoved into your anus. THEN, you will watch a video monitor of the inside of your rear and get more intimate with your backside innards than you ever thought you would be. You will see blood vessels, 'roids, and the vestiges of poo your two enemas failed to clean out the night before. And? None of the cool AC/DC on your iPod can disguise the fact that a doctor and nurse are calmly looking at your backside innards while you're trying to make yourself as small as possible and not flinch every time he yanks that camera around."

Well, indeed.

According to my Mom, it's a "butt-oscopy."

Well, indeed-squared.

Did I just take that a step too far?

Yes, while going through said procedure, all I could think was, "Please, Earth, give me an early birthday present. Swallow me whole and leave no trace. That would be nice."

The good news is that all is well.

The bad news? I may not allow anyone within 10 feet of my flat butt for the next few weeks. Not even my favorite chair.

OK. Fine. Sean Connery can come near the butt, but NO ONE ELSE!

Thanks, Military Mom! You're a sweetie! So, I now get to pass this bit of class along to someone very deserving. I'm going to give this to my wonderful friend and sister-in-law, Vonda, and her family blog (The Livingston Family) about my bro Ian and their sweet little girl. See, they live in Germany and keep us all updated with their European goings-on. Her little one, Ella Rose, is such a beautiful little girl and graces every post of this blog. Vonda is a very classy lady and would never blog about snot or sigmoidoscopies (the count is 6, by the way). Thanks, Vonda, for giving us a bit of Ella Rose each and every day! Love and miss you!


Miss Britt said...

I fear my butt cheeks will never unclench after reading the retelling of that experience.

Unknown said...

Did they find any class while they were up there?

Unknown said...

(she asks as she belches out loud at her desk in the cube farm)

Unknown said...

Today must be TMI Post day! :) Glad all is well. I'm dreading that procedure, which I know I will have to experience at some point, probably sooner than I'd like to admit...

And Teri - You crack me up, woman!

Suldog said...

MY WIFE had one a while back, but I've thus far avoided such a thrill. She found it rather fascinating, or so she says. Me? I'd be mortified.

Anonymous said...

"Labels: bling, butt"--Oh, dear Lord in Heaven. I'll be so relieved when this personal computer/Internet/cell phone/iPod fad fades and we all go back to using rotary dial telephones and manual typewriters and refrigerator-size Philco radios. The world was a better place then. *Sigh...*

Ok, Where Was I? said...

This is funny. Not so much for you, of course. I linked from avitable.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Britt - You and me both, sweetie!

Teri - No. None whatsoever. Poo, but no class.

Teri - Jeez, why didn't you call me? Phone belches are the best!

Andrea - Poo in the colon, poo in the bathtub. Sweetie, we're on the same friggin' wavelength!

Suldog - The wife found it fascinating? Did the doc slip her some Vicodin?

Chris - Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I know that you stop by from time to time and your hair is prob'ly standing on end. Sorry sweetie!

OK, Where Was I? - Thanks for stopping by! At the time? Not funny. Now? Still not funny.

Avitable said...

Are you sure the award wasn't for an "Assy Blog"?

Just relax and pretend it's Ty-man. And Barry White is playing in the background.

Gypsy said...

This past week I've felt like I needed a butt-oscopy. But... owch.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Ah geez woman. Here I'm getting it in the ass from the insurance companies, and here you go with your sweet, sympathetic self and go all simpatico on me. We may have been separated at birth, but this is going just a tad too far.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Avitable - EWWWWWWW! Barry White?!? Dude. It's either Frank Sinatra or the theme music to Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan baby!

Gypsy - You took the word, hon.

NATUI - :-) Love you, twin!