18 March 2008

Easter Bunny - Shipped First Class

So, I'm over at the local UPS store, shipping a birthday gift to my step-niece, and I hear the story of the week.

Turns out I had just missed a guy trying to ship a live bunny, to his son living in California, for Easter.

Yes, you read me right. He wanted to ship a live bunny, via UPS, to his kid in California.

Now, when I go to the UPS site, this is the map I get when I type in my Georgia zip code:

(Seriously, that's the map that came up. Bunnies, routes, and all. You didn't see this map? Loser.)

So, if this kid lives in northern California, the bunny's going to be boxed up for four days. Southern Cali? Five days. And some serious po-dunk, in the sticks area just next to Arizona? Well, if the kid lives there, that bunny is soooooo screwed.

I mean, did he at least bring a box with holes? Was he going to try to put a "This End Up" sticker on the box so that the bunny's water bowl wouldn't get tipped over? Maybe he could put the water in one of those car mugs that can sit on the dash and not spill. Yeah, that's it.

And what about the bunny poo? I mean, even if little Peter Rabbit is only signed up for a four-day trek, that box is going to be pretty stinky. Maybe he was going to have the bunny shipped to a pet-care facility where bunny could get a wash and set before meeting his new human.

Seriously. Ship a bunny? From the UPS store? Obviously, this divorcée was trying to score points with his son, now living on the other side of the country. Can't be there? Send the kid a real, live Easter Bunny, all his own. He'd be the talk of the school, telling everyone how is very cool Dad had sent him the Easter Bunny.

Or, Dad could just be wanting to punish Mom with a never-ending supply of rabbit poo. Yeah, that's it.

Writer's note: Ty-man just couldn't let this rest. He wanted to know if Bunny could get there overnight, through UPS. Basically, Bunny would get to Cali at 8:30AM local, tomorrow (11:30AM EDT) which means almost 23 hours boxed up. Next Day Air for a 10 pound box (we're guess-timating bunny/water bowl/food dish/poo/box weight) is $131.89.

Course, he could Delta Dash it on the next available flight. Did I mention the Ty-man is a bigger geek than me?

OK, now? Ty-man is researching rabbit breeders who place said rabbits on planes (with their own little rabbit plane tickets) to be sent to their new owners. Ty-man and I have finally determined that divorced dad is just a lazy m-f-er who did absolutely no research into this idea and is just a half-baked idiot who wanted to put a bunny in a box, fill it full of Styrofoam peanuts, and hope for the best. When, in fact, the kid was going to open up his Easter surprise and find a gooey, gelatinous mess that would haunt him for years to come and require hundreds of thousands of dollars in therapy and hypnotic past-lives regressions. Seriously.


Cricky said...

omg, I seriously just laughed myself out of my freaking chair.

Avitable said...

That last sentence made me actually guffaw.

Anonymous said...


*snorting coffee thru nostrils*

Not Afraid to Use It said...

God. What a deadbeat. You are right about the haunted nightmares.

I found this for you today, hon. I expect to see it on your van the next time we hit CCF. Enjoy!

Their main site is

Mrs. Booms said...

I'm laughing so hard. What the hell is the matter with people?

HEATHER said...

But here is what you NEED to know, the US POSTAL SERVICE will deliver live animals or at least live chickens. The reason I know this is I was at the Post Office waiting in line one day and this rooster starts crowing. All of the people in line start looking around, when I get up to the desk, I ask the woman behind it where the crowing is coming from. She tells me that they have a rooster in the back to deliver to someone. So I have to ask, you mean someone mailed a rooster? Yes, she tells me, it happens all the time. Can you believe it? I was floored!! Evidently you just slap some stamps on a cage and off to the post office you go!

Lori said...

Thank for that ... woke me up better than the coffee that I was drinking until I started to laugh and choke.

Gypsy said...

Ok, no. Seriously? Mail a bunny? That ain't right. Someone should stick a stamp on this guy's butt and mail hm to Siberia.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Just a Girl - Then I have been successful.

MommyCosm - Idiot, indeed!

Avitable - You know? It's a great day when I can make you guffaw.

Dutchbitch - The snorting of coffee through one's nostrils is a healthy thing!

Fab - You'll put anything in a box, hon!

NATUI - Serious nightmares. And? That bumper sticker? Funny as shit, man!

Betsey - Who knows, sweetie!

Other Heather - OMG! Rooster! Hysterical!

Lori - Glad to be of service!

Gypsy - Great idea! I'll have to tell the UPS ladies that idea...

Teri - I'm hopping (oh, yeah, it's bad now!) he hadn't yet purchased said bunny, that the shipping question had to be answered before buying the rabbit. I hope. Ooops, I mean, hop.

RiverPoet said...

Heh. You can't mail beer and wine to some states, but apparently you can mail hops ;-)

I second the comment from the Other Heather. If you are a farmer, you do order live chicks and such to stock your farms. There is a whole formula for how long the little peeps can last before their ship-by date expires. Read "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle." Pretty interesting book.

Peace - D

Unknown said...

Oh yeah. Good point. Let's hop that's the case.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Momma - Yeah, go figure. No alkeehal! But live chickuns? Go fer it!

Teri - You just "Heathered" it, dude.