29 July 2008


Bet you all think this is a post where I get all deep and talk about those fears that keep me up at night watching info-mercials with Bill Mays.

You wish.

Instead, for your reading pleasure, here are the Top 4 Coal Miner's Granddaughter Fears That Were Caused By Modern-Day TV Storytelling!

Fear #1! Steven Spielberg and Stephen King can suck it! Thanks to Poltergeist and It, clowns are on the hit list. I can't stand the damned things. A very well-known doll maker lived down the street from us when I was a kid. She made gorgeous ceramic dolls and stuffed animals of all types. I still have one of her teddy bears. The clown doll she made me? Got stuffed in the closet, never again to see the light of day while I lived with my parents. Yeah. My mom is still bitter about that.

Fear #2! Port-a-Johns. Thank you very much, Chris Carter. I can't go into a port-a-potty without imagining that Flukeman from X-Files is looking up, watching my ass-end make contact with the seat. Yeah. Hate them with a passion.

Fear #3! Chuck Norris singing. My dad loved Walker, Texas Ranger. Watched it without fail. And he knew I hated the intro song, sung by Chuck Norris, with a passion. And he would turn up the volume just to taunt me. Yeah. Thanks Dad. Love you, too.

Only the strong-of-heart and/or deaf-of-ears should click on the below clip.

Fear #4! Billy Mays. Seriously, how can you not be scared of him? Every time I see a commercial for Orange Glow, I just want to drink the stuff just so the agonizing pain will end!


Anonymous said...

I couldn't get past 3 seconds of Chuck Norris' singing, if that's what he calls it. *shudder*

HEATHER said...

Have you noticed that now BillyMays (say it as one word the way he does) is even doing ads for some kind of health insurance? And they aren't infomercials, just regular 60 second ads. And for the love of all that is holy WHY does he scream? We have to hit the mute button every time we see him.
Chuck Norris singing is pretty darn scary, as are clowns. Think about this one-Chuck Norris as a singing clown. How's that for HORROR?!!!

HEATHER said...

OH and Porta-johns are horrifying on so many levels. I am always afraid the idiots that I know(meaning my dumb-a$$ brother-in-law), would try to be funny and turn the thing over with me in it.

Bucky said...

I feel the same way about clowns, and that feeling was derived from watching "IT" too many times.

The other items on your list don't really bother me.

But then again, I do get to pee standing up.

Donna said...

Yeah, not liking the port-a-johns, more because I have a fear of being tipped or something. Ick!

And BillyMays? Where did he come from? as my husband says, Who is he?
and I say, Just somebody who apparently is famous for nothing.

That One said...

Totally with you on #1, #2, & #4. (Never watched Walker.)

Billy Mays drives me up the friggin' wall.

Avitable said...

I love Billy Mays!

Expat No. 3699 said...

I was never a Chuck Norris fan, now after hearing that, I am even less so. Chuck Sucks.

And totally with you on Billy Mays. I instantly hit the mute button.

Dave2 said...


Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Miss Night Owl - You and me both, missy.

Other Heather - Seriously? He's doing health insurance now? Oh, gad. And the Chuck Norris singing clown? If I have nightmares tonight, I'm hunting you down.

Other Heather - Ha! Yeah, turning over in a port-a-john. That's pretty horrifying.

Bucky - Fine. Go ahead and rub it in that you don't have to wait in line or get pee on the backs of your legs. MEN!

Donna - Billy Mays did just appear out of nowhere. Hmmmm.

Tuli - It's a good thing you've never watched Walker. You're life is better for missing it. Trust me.

Avitable - Probably because you look like him! :)

Employee No. 3699 - I wonder if it bothers Billy Mays that so many people mute him.


Gypsy said...

Billy Mays it ultra terrifying.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Gypsy - Truly!