24 September 2008

My Boring-Ass Life, Part Deux

12:00 PM - LUNCH! Grilled cheese, PB&J, apples, apple sauce, some form of veggie chips. Gad, we're a boring lot.
12:05 PM - Look at the apple slices and realize they would go so much better with caramel dip.
12:06 PM - Get sad when I realize I can't eat said caramel dip because of my stupid, faulty, piece-of-crap pancreas.
12:07 PM - Wonder when modern medicine is going to figure out how to perform pancreas transplant surgery.
12:08 PM - Realize that if said surgery comes to fruition, the type I diabetics will get pancreas transplant surgery first.
12:09 PM - Hate on the type I diabetics.
12:10 PM - Realize said hate is unfounded and will send me straight to hell.
12:11 PM - Quietly apologize to all the type I diabetics out there and try to enjoy the apple slices without caramel.
12:12 PM - Wish I had caramel.
12:30 - 1:30 PM - Clean up lunch. Play with kids. Mediate fights. Put toys into time-out. Rip out half of my hair. Watch J-man shove said hair into his mouth. Give up. Give them all hard liquor* and put twins to bed.
1:31 PM - Watch J-man stumble around the mess of toys on the floor. Keep him occupied.
1:33 PM - Give up with keeping him occupied. Drag him upstairs so he can "help" me fold laundry. "Help" meaning I fold, he unfolds. But, hey, he's not crying.
2:00 PM - J-man's nap.
2:01 PM - Heather happy dance because all three children are asleep.
2:02 PM - I should fold laundry for real. Or watch video evidence. Or write my blog post. Or dust. Or clean the toilets. Or...
2:03 PM - ...watch a Ghost Hunters marathon on Sci-Fi.
2:04 PM - I should really do house work. I should get up and get busy.
2:30 PM - OK, I'll dust now.
2:31 PM - Or maybe not.
3:00 PM - Jeez! OK! I'll write my blog post!
3:50 PM - Blog post is written. It sucks. What's new?
4:00 PM - Kids are all up and watching Little Bear. Again. Bite me.
4:30 PM - Fix dinner and simultaneously entertain J-man. Wonder if leaving the house to go out to cul-de-sac and scream would be considered borderline child abandonment. Or schizophrenic.
4:31 PM - What?! It would only be for a minute!
4:32 PM - Fine. Fine. I won't go outside to scream. I'll plaster a smile on my face and scream on the inside.
5:00 PM - Dinner is served.
5:01 PM - 5:30 PM - Dinner is ignored.
5:31 PM - Dinner is chucked down the disposal.
5:32 PM - Ty-man is home. Kids maul Ty-man.
5:33 PM - I sneeze.
5:34 PM - I realize said sneeze has caused me to wet myself with the one teaspoon of urine that was in my bladder.
5:35 PM - Curse my worthless Kegel muscle, stomp upstairs, and change undies and pants.
6:00 PM - Baths!!!!!!
6:30 PM - Dry kids off.
6:31 PM - Realize the bathroom will need to be squeegeed**.
6:32 PM - Realize the bathroom not only needs to be squeegeed***, but that it also needs a drain installed in the center of the floor.
6:33 PM - Crap. Screw the bathroom. It can friggin' air-dry.
6:34 PM - Warm up milk for J-man. Give twins whatever Disney movie they agree on. They can't agree. They watch Die Hard Toy Story.
6:35 PM - Exasperated. Can't leave the bathroom wet. Wipe down the bathroom.
7:00 PM - J-man in bed.
8:00 PM - Twins in bed.
8:01 PM - Eat dinner with Ty-man.
8:30 PM - Stare at the wall/TV/scrapbook.
10:30 PM - Realize I've been staring at whatever for two hours and have accomplished nothing. Wipe up drool. Work crick out of neck. Brush teeth. Take out contacts. Go to bed.
10:45 PM - Realize that it's not even 11 PM and I'm in bed. Smack my forehead as realization of lameness washes over me.
10:46 PM - Slip into coma until one or all three of kids wake up between 1:30 AM and 4:00 AM screaming for unknown reasons.

Rinse. Repeat.

* Um, no? Like I would actually do that. Jeez.
** Yes. That is how it is spelled. At least, that's what Bill Gates said.
*** There it is again. I couldn't resist.


RiverPoet said...

Sounds like the typical life of a SAHM...which is why I hated being one SO much. The sacrifices we make...

Peace - D

Bucky said...

Your kids are in bed by 8? That's gotta be nice! My kids hate to go to bed, and after much whining, crying, and screaming, they are finally in bed around 10 or so.

That One said...

A day in the life of a SAHM - it doesn't sound boring, it sounds busy.

I don't know how you moms do it. Seriously. I'd go crazy.

Avitable said...

That's exactly like my day, except I lay around and enjoy myself while watching TV and eating Bon Bons.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel so bad about your lameness. I was in bed and ASLEEP by 8:10pm last night.

My kids go to sleep between 7:30-8ish on school nights. I usually stay up and work/blog/watch TV, but I haven't quite recovered from my work trip to Vegas yet.

Willie G said...

I have a 25 year old daughter and 23 year old twin boys. I swear I don't remember it being so much work. So apparently you either forget about it after a while, or you become so totally brain-dead that it eventually no longer matters...

Uhhh...time to make the doughnuts...time to make the doughnuts...time to...

Expat No. 3699 said...

Wait until they're a little older and you can be a room mom and a scout leader too!!!

Gypsy said...

You peed yourself and were in bed by 11. Hello, elderly. ;)

Donna said...

sometimes I wait all day for each hour to just pass ... then wonder what the hell I'm waiting for!!

Molly's Mom said...

Aaaaand, that's why I work - I just hope my kid doesn't hate me for it when she's older!

Toasty said...

THAT was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Mine would be slightly more hostile, but just as mundane. You are TOO funny!!!

A Free Man said...

Nice French.

I was exhausted after the first half!