22 October 2008

Not-So-Real Housewife of Atlanta

Dear Bravo Program Directors,
Hi. My name is Heather. I'm a housewife who lives in suburban Atlanta. After much personal protesting, grumbling, and general eye-rolling, I finally took a chance on your show, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I have four words for you.

Oh.* My. Fucking. God.

I dislike reality TV, unless it involves chasing ghosts or watching little people navigate the wilds of Oregon. Because in reality**, reality TV tends to be so far from reality that it's laughable.

I won't comment on what it's like to be a housewife in Orange County or in New York City because I've never lived in either location, but I can certainly comment on my now-hometown of Atlanta. And what you show on TV? Is not the reality for 99.9% of housewives in Atlanta.

$18,000 spent on an 11-year-old's birthday party? Dropping a sugar-daddy's $68,000 check for a tricked-out Cadillac Escalade? Hiring a staff (estate manager, hair stylist, make-up artist, chef, maid, publicist, personal assistant) to take care of my life so I don't have to? Shopping at Versace for a dress to wear to a friend's birthday party? None of that is real. Try hamburgers and hotdogs for the kid birthday, leasing a Honda Odyssey, taking care of my life by myself***, and shopping at Old Navy for the friend's party dress.

But, I guess since 99.9% of Atlanta housewives live the life I've described above, then they don't want to watch that dull claptrap. I mean, why watch little ol' me walk through the drudgery of my day in three-year-old Gap jeans, a spit-up stained Old Navy t-shirt, five-year-old purse, scummy mini-van, and chicken nuggets in the toaster oven? With no make-up? I get that no one wants to see that. People actually want to see the bling, the ridiculous drama of "That bitch had security at her party and they wouldn't let me and my Donna Karan dress in!" and the 11-year-old with a designer purse.

So, fine. Film it. Show it. Roll in it. Just don't call it reality. I've got your reality right here and it certainly isn't pretty, it certainly hasn't been touched up by a plastic surgeon, and it certainly doesn't cost me thousands of dollars to dress in it.

One of the Legion Housewives of Atlanta Who Do It All Without Recognition

*Yes. Oh is a word. I don't care what you say.
** You knew I was going there. Yes, you did.
*** OK. Not totally by myself. I've got Ty-man. And the grandmothers. But, hey. I don't have staff.


HEATHER said...

Preach it Sister Heather!!!
The only "reality" show I enjoy is Bridezilla's, and of course Ghost Hunters.

A Free Man said...

Sounds like you're hanging out in the wrong suburbs. Try Dunwoody or Kennesaw.

Anonymous said...

Network execs only went with the term "Reality TV" after "Mindless Sensationalistic, Exhibitionistic Voyeurism TV for the Idiot Masses Who Want Nothing More than to Give In to Their Basest Instincts" didn't do well in the test markets.

What passes for entertainment these days saddens me.

If you need me, I'll be in my dimly-lit living room, drinking Ovaline and watching my Sesame Street DVDs. And softly weeping.

Bucky said...

I think you should give us a Day In The Life video of the "Real-Real Housewives Of Atlanta."

Anonymous said...

I second Bucky's request. That would be hilarious!

I stumbled across that last night and quickly turned the channel. WTF.

Miss Britt said...

You know what - bullshit.

BULLSHIT reality reality isn't pretty.

It's not only pretty, it's admirable. And interesting. And people DO want to watch it.

Hence the insane popularity of blogging while TV execs constantly struggle to find the next hit.

Unknown said...

Nicely put. I don't know who watches this stuff, but it seems to be a part of some obsession that people have with the wealthy. Count me out.

Trukindog said...

Hell yeah darlin, we need to find out where to send our letters so the right TV people get em...but I just have 1 question about your letter.

How the hell do you expect them to take you serious, you only used the word FUCK once ;)

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I saw on my guide that it was coming on, and I couldn't bear to turn it on. I knew I'd get too pissed off. Thanks for confirming that for me!

carrie said...

the kind of blog i'm interested in reading is one where we do get glimpses of the real person.
in other words, i am interested... i want to see people in their real world.

Gypsy said...

I am so getting sucked into this one, and I hate reality TV! I don't know why, but I can't resist.

Anonymous said...

I second that emotion. And why hasn't someone made a real "Truman Show," only instead of a scripted life, it is a REAL life, and instead of "Truman" (fill-in any appropriate sucka - e.g. Heather!) being in the dark about filming and everyone else in the know, "Truman" is the one in the know, and everyone else has no idea they are being taped?? You have a computer cam, right? Just a thought . . .

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - I tried Bridezillas. Once. I wanted to kill the bride. I decided that was a bad emotion and moved on.

A Free Man - Dude! I'm like two miles from Kennesaw! Seriously! I should start hanging at Country Club of the South. Alpharetta, baby!

Chris - And I will be joining you for said Sesame Street, but I'll bring my Nestle Quick chocolate milk powder. 'Kay?

Bucky - I would LOVE to do that! But I need a camera man. Maybe next summer, with the visit of the 15-year-old cousin, I may do this.

MommyCosm - If I do it, you have to do it, too!

Britt - You're so right. It's obvious, reading your comment and absorbing it, that people are interested in reality and that the network execs just don't get it.

The Holmes - Honestly? I think it's the ridiculous drama and the fact that we can eye-roll over a bunch of wealthy idiots who are financially better off than the rest of us, but have no common sense, therefore making them pitiful.

Trukindog - HA! I'm sure I could add a few more fucks for good measure!

Sybil Law - Honey, just come by here everyday! :)

NATUI - Actually? You and I need to watch an episode together! Stinking-ass drunk! Now that? Would be fun. :)

Carrie - Thanks, hon!

Evil Genius - You are so right. Entitlement is what is driving the current American culture into the ground. And? It's depressing as hell.

Gypsy - It does have a bit of the forbidden feel to it, doesn't it? It's just such a friggin' train wreck that you can't help but watch!

Denise - Oh. That would be an awesome show! Don't tempt me...

rakethetable said...

What you descibed (as your Alanta life) is my wife's life to a tee. I haven't heard of the Atlanta TV version of housewives - but - I am sure I will not watch it either.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Rake - Don't watch it. It will just annoy the heck out of you.

Molly's Mom said...

Ugh. This sounds like that stupid show "My Super Sweet 16". I can't remember why I watched it, but I did. I could feel my brain cells jumping ship with every passing minute.

Maybe they should do a "Real Housewives of Detroit". Now THAT would be funny.

And LPBW is so. awesome. I'm so glad new episodes are on now!

.:| Melissa.Mizladytaz |:. said...


UGH and double UGH!

You can take the girl out the Ghetto, but you can't take the Ghetto out the girl!! Just cuz you, er ... your husband, has some pennies in his pocket, don't mean you've got "class" now!! As for little miss white girl, well, she aint' nothing but a prostitute, in my opinion!

-- just sayin!!

--A little late here, I know!! Alot going on these days!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Molly's Mom - Woo hoo! Another LPBW freak!

Melissa - You are sooooo right!