10 February 2009

New! Toddler Diet!

NEW! From K-Smel! The makers of such stunning products as...

The Change-It-Once-A-Day Diaper!
That weight listed on the side of the box? That's how much they'll hold!

Bouncing Cheerios!
If they fall on the floor, they bounce right back to the table!

Toddler Catheters!
For the young'un who just can't be bothered to "go potty!"

We introduce the diet that's sweeping the nation! Changing lives! Trimming waistlines!


Dr. Marian Idontwannaeatthat developed this diet after watching her 15 kids ignore their meals for over 30 years and she realized that meal starvation, whole milk, and Teddy grahams were the answer to America's expanding waistlines.

Simply put, you never eat a meal. How great is that?! You save money and lose weight at the same time! Skipping three meals a day is easy on the wallet and certainly keeps your kitchen clean!

Next, stock up on the whole milk. Drinking a minimum of 32 ounces a day (from a sippy cup - you have to work for it, you know) keeps your bones strong and gives you enough protein to keep your stomach quiet when it protests the lack of food.

And finally, the consumption of Teddy grahams (1/2 cup, twice a day) while watching mind-numbing episodes of Little Bear will guarantee an operational colon.

We assure you that this sure-fire diet will knock off five or ten or even one hundred pounds and take you down from a size 20 to a 2T! And we're so sure of this fabulous result that we'll throw in as an added bonus, the Your Mom Is Gonna Go Bald When You Don't Eat Her Meatloaf! scrapbook so that you can document those special holiday meals when your family realizes you're starving yourself.

So, call us now at 1-800-NO-DINNER and reserve your copy of Dr. Marian Idontwannaeatthat's book The Toddler Diet: A Starvation Diet for The Big People at the bargain price of $29.95! And don't forget to call in the next 24 hours and we'll throw in the scrapbook absolutely free!

Yes, Miss-Miss. I'm talking to you. Eat that chicken salad your Nana slaved over or I just may take away your chocolate. Until you're 30.


HEATHER said...

What, she doesn't like chicken nuggets? I swear Paddy eats so many of them, I wish I had never seen them! Sadly the kid won't drink milk. What can you do? If you know or figure it out tell me!

Avitable said...

That doesn't sound nearly as fun as the double cheeseburger chocolate cake diet.

sybil law said...

But she's so cute!!

Expat No. 3699 said...

Do I have to have a toddler in the house to try this diet 'cause I don't think that's gonna work for me.

Anonymous said...

OMG, she is so darn cute. Look at that hair!

The picky toddler thing, yeah, it will pass.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Oh Lord. Don't get me started on the toddler eating thing.

Hey, did Ty-man like his present?

Anonymous said...

My son went through a phase where all he wanted to eat was mac & cheese and hot dogs. Thank God he outgrew that (or got tired of it!) after a few months. :-)

A Free Man said...

Zach seems to be going pretty good on the meat-only diet. I think he gets too much influence from the dog.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Right now? She hates everything. Even before I put it on her plate. Ugh.

Avitable - Personally, I prefer the pepperoni pizza Godiva truffles diet.

Sybil Law - She is. That's her saving grace. :)

Employee No. 3699 - Nope. Just eat like a toddler. That's enough. :)

Ashlie - Lord, I hope so!

NATUI - Yep!

Giggle Pixie - She went through a mac & cheese phase. Been there. Done that. :)

A Free Man - HA! Yeah. The dog can be a bad influence. :)

Trukindog said...

There's only two things wrong with this diet...no meat & no Beer...NO CHANCE!

Patois42 said...

Now that's a book I don't need. I live it, too.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Trukindog - That and the lack of chocolate. Seriously.

Patois - I know what you mean.

Craig said...

That picture is all sorts of adorable!

Faiqa said...

I feel the pain that inspired this post. If only brownies, chocolate and Froot Loops were nutritionally complete ffods. Sigh.