10 February 2010

There's a Violet On My Toilet

The toilet in our master bathroom died a slow, painful death a couple of months ago. It was just before Christmas when I found myself making an executive decision regarding our home. Typically, home repair dialog in the CofaCMGD household goes something like this:

Me: Honey, I don't think Appliance X is working.
Ty-man: OK.
Me: *Blink, blink*
Next day...
Me: Ty, Appliance X is still broken. It's definitely dead.
Ty-man: Examining said appliance. Huh, I think you're right. Walks away.
Me: *Blink, blink*
Next, next day...
Me: Um, hon? Appliance X...
Ty-man: Done. Finished. Already taken care of. Ordered a new one/called a repair company.
Me: Wow. Awesome. *Blink* Cool.

This time was completely different. Ty-man was in the middle of the 9th circle of Hell writing his company's proposal and didn't have time for broken toilets. Before I could even get the sentence Hon, I'm pretty sure our toilet is broken out of my mouth, Ty was all Yeah, um, can't deal with that right now. You go take care of it.

Much blinking ensued.

So, off I went to Lowe's with this in mind:

I walked right in, went up to the toilet section, looked at the guy and said, I want that Kohler toilet from the commercial where the guy is trying to flush an African violet down his toilet because there's a cute plumber next door who he wants to come over to his house and nothing is clogging it because it's a Kohler. Not even dog food. That one. That's what I want. Because I'm tired of sitting on the toilet, doing my business, flushing before even wiping, and the damn thing clogs up. I mean, what the Hell? I can't even empty my colon without breaking out the plunger? How awkward is that? Like I enjoy unclogging a toilet with my undies at my ankles, butt hanging out, all because Al Gore wants to save the frakking planet. Please. I just want my toilet to flush my poop.

Yeah. The Lowe's guy blinked a lot before he gave me a slow Oooookay and showed me my options.

I got my Kohler. And it flushes every time with no clogging.

And my wonderful neighbor/ex-HOA prez/confidante presented me with an African violet for my birthday, just so I could flush it down my new Kohler toilet.

That, people, is love.

I might wait until it's dead, though, because I will inevitably kill it and it's too pretty right now to flush. But when I do, I will certainly post the video here.


HEATHER said...

Seriously, I want one of those toilets. Hope you enjoy it!

hello haha narf said...

now have an african violet on your toilet! that is fucking funny stuff.
and, ummm, enjoy your new crapper!

Unknown said...

We replaced our toilets a few years ago with the American Standard "Champion" model. Flushes 21 golf balls. Not that I have ever put 21 golf balls in the toilet to test (#2 Son is test enough, thank you), after all, if I want to flush 21 golf balls, all I have to do is go to the course. At least then I'd enjoy (more or less) the process.

Megan said...

Which model is this? We're going to be fixing up our bathroom soon and we'll be buying a new toilet. I'm sick of plunging too!

sybil law said...

Nice! Sad that I get all excited about new toilets, but yep - I want one, too!!!

Anonymous said...

That is just awesome. Definitely post a photo when you flush the violet! :)

Gregg said...

I was doing okay reading this post until I got to the words "with my undies at my ankles," and then I started to get a little bit of an erection. Just a little bit, and it went away as soon as I reminded myself that the reason you had your underwear around your ankles was because you'd just been on the toilet taking a dump, but I'm pretty sure if instead of "undies" you'd said "panties," I'd still be sporting wood.

Oh, God, I am so sorry. I'm such a miserable, pathetic loser.

But I'd consider it a personal favor if in the future whenever you need to write about your delicate underthings, you use the word "bloomers," which, I HOPE, would preclude the possibility of inappropriate arousal.

Ren said...

The toilet in our kids' bathroom has been leaking/running for months. And their shower head broke months ago. I have the parts to fix both yet I never get around to it. Yes, I realize that I am lame in this regard. Boo.

Halala mama said...

And when you flush it, and it clogs, go back to the store, find that associate, and tell him you want your money back :)

Irrational Dad said...

I swear, when I'm all rich and shit, I'm going to install a urinal. With one of those electric eyes so that it flushes automagically.

And... I want one of those power flusher toilets like they have at some rest areas. You know, the ones that would suck a German Shepherd down the drains.