Caught Looking

When Drew first approached me about reviewing products for Eden Fantasys, I was extremely nervous. All I could think was He is going to ship me a whip, a ton of leather, and somebody named Mistress Alex to keep us on task. Far from the truth. Drew asked me what I was comfortable reviewing and I thought Let's start off small. Easy. Safe. Then work our way up.

And that's when I told Drew to send me a book.

Here's the deal. I hate adult movies (I'll be nice and not use the p word.). You know why I hate them? There are several reasons, one of which is that movies churned out by the adult film industry are made for men and what most guys like. I think if women were in charge of "erotic" film, it would be something completely different and I would probably enjoy it more. But the main deal-breaker for me is black socks. My college dorm roommates went through a Let's watch people having sex! phase my sophomore year and every time I came back from class, there it was. Many adult films were on the TV quite a bit and I couldn't stand it that during a crucial moment in whatever film we were watching (you know what I mean by crucial), there was the well-endowed male star, doing his thing completely naked... except for his black socks. And all I could focus on were those idiotic socks. Take the socks off, for chrissakes! Seriously, if you're going to the trouble of taking off your pants and shirt, at least take off your socks! It just really bothered me. What I like about erotic books is that I can picture the characters in my head and none of them are wearing socks. Anywhere.

Ahem.

Caught Looking is a collection of 20 short stories about voyeurism and exhibitionism. Among all of you, my readers, the majority may say Oh, I certainly don't want people watching me having sex and I'm not interesting in watching other people go at it. But let's face it, we're all curious voyeurs at heart. We all watch the car accident on the side of the road, the bar room brawl, and I'm pretty sure that if your neighbors were doing the naked hokey-pokey with their curtains open, we'd all stand there, mouths open, watching. Admit it. I know I probably would and after a few minutes I'd call all of you and give you play-by-plays of the action.

The main characters of each story of Caught Looking are either voyeurs or exhibitionists, finding themselves in different scenarios where they're watching or being watched. There are lesbian couples, heterosexual couples, gay men, women masturbating, threesomes, you name it, this book covers it. Because the book covers all types of sexual relationships, I could find something I liked throughout the book. Not only that, but these short stories are very well-written with developed plots and dialogs. One story in particular, The Poet, Dying, was a beautifully written story of an old, dying poet who hires two young men to perform sex in front of him. He wants to feel alive one last time, to feel that flicker of youth and sex and the story is interspersed with his poetry until the literal climax of the story, the young men engaged in sex, and the poet's final moment:

Everyone, everybody,
paroxysms of violet, this particular
day
which, like us, will broach no end.
But solid.

See, this is why I dig written erotica. It's the thinking-man's (or woman's) porn (Couldn't help myself. Sorry.). We can picture the characters in our heads, visualize what's going on, use our imagination, and even find beauty in the words of a story that if filmed might otherwise turn us off.

The other story I greatly enjoyed was Walled Lake Girl. It's the story of a woman who is down on her luck who is interested in a man who lives in her complex. He shows no interest in her and she watches him, constantly. When she's caught, the sex ensues, but it's the story itself, not just the sex, that is raw and rough. You feel bad for her, like she's had a sad life and this is her last chance to have something for herself, not something she only watches through a window. At the end? Well, you'll just have to read it and see.

There were only two stories that left me Meh, one involving adultery and another involving a woman who pleasures herself on the top of her apartment building in the middle of the city, hoping she has a thousand-person audience. Um, yeah. I had enough of an audience during the births of my three kids and I don't need any other type of audience during my intimate moments with the Ty-man.

Overall, I give Caught Looking four out of five bits of coal (Dude. I had to come up with something cute.). Whether you're into voyeurism or exhibitionism or neither, then definitely give this book a try. Me, the prude, truly enjoyed it and it's a great example of how good erotic books can be and how good adult movies could be if someone made the effort of crafting decent stories.

Just without the socks.

The Lamest Post In The History Of Blogging

OR

Where The Hell Did My Afternoon Go?

Me: Well, that one's done. Toss the book I was reading onto the floor next to the bed.

Ty-man: Watching you read books is like watching a biker guzzle a beer and crush the can on his forehead.

Me: Yup. Just without the belching.

Kid Book Review Part 4

I haven't done a kid book review since October and I figured it was time for another one. I truly enjoy sharing with all of you my twisted thoughts that I usually keep to myself while I read books to my twins. Here I talked about a cat and her loose morals. Here I denounce a hen and her self-righteous work ethic. And here that I change the fates of five ladybugs.

Well, finally, I will review a wonderful gem of a book called Walter the Farting Dog.

No, seriously. It's a children's book. About a dog. Who farts.

Too bad it's not scratch and sniff. Daaaaamn! That smells like last night's steak and baked potato!

See, Walter is this ugly mutt of a dog who comes home from the pound with Betty and Billy. Their mother says that Walter stinks and orders him to take a bath.

The bath? Doesn't help.

Turns out that Walter farts all the time.

• In the bath.
• When playing.
• While walking.
• When eating.
• Even while he sleeps, he farts. (See, NATUI? You're not the only one!)
  

So, Dad sends Walter's stinky butt off to the vet for a look-see. The vet (who mysteriously looks like Montel Williams), says to change Walter's diet.

Doesn't work. He still farts. And now? He's getting blamed for everyone else's farts, too.

Dad has had it and says the kids must take Walter back to the pound tomorrow.

The kids are sad. Walter is very sad and decides he's never going to fart again. So, he goes to the kitchen and eats a 25-pound bag of low-fart dog biscuits (Seriously? Is there such a thing?), which is a bad idea. He sprawls out on the sofa, holding in this gigantic fart bubble. It is then that a couple of burglars come through the window. They fill up their bags full of stuff. Walter wants to stop them, but he's working so hard to hold in his gas bubble.

Just as the burglars are trying to leave, Walter lets the worst fart of his life fly and the burglars stumble out of the house, stunned by the fart, and into the headlights of a police car. Walter saved the day!

As you've guessed, Walter gets to stay, regardless of his farts.

The end.

OK, first off, farting dogs? We can't write a book about a dog who eats all the family's food? Or breaks the china? Or drinks out of the toilet? It has to be a dog who farts? Kids already think farts are funny and cool, do we really need to reinforce the idea that farts help you perform good deeds?

And? While reading this book about a dog who farts, you can at least re-create the sound effects with your very own....

... Walter, the farting dog.

Seriously. Too bad he only makes the fart noise and not the smell, too. Because then? I could just carry the damned thing around and when I cut one in the kitchen, thinking Ty-man's in the basement, busy with his other love (a.k.a. the media server), and he suddenly appears behind me, I could blame it on the stupid stuffed animal.

As you can imagine, the kids like the story and the sound their very own plush Walter makes. And who do I have to blame for this travesty? My mom. She bought this book and toy for the kids for Christmas.

Gee, Mom. Thaaaaaanks a lot. Really. I'll be feeding your cat pork 'n beans this weekend.

Kid Book Review Part 3

I just can't help myself. It's a sickness, a disease, I know. I can't help but attach my screwed up values and ideals to kids' books. This week, it's all about ladybugs, specifically Five Little Ladybugs. This "sweet" little book is actually a shortened version of Ten Little Ladybugs (I guess little kids aren't allowed to count past five). The ladybugs are 3-D plastic bugs that allow your child to touch and feel them. Basically, this book reads as follows:

"5. Five little ladybugs sleeping by the shore, along came a fish - then there were... 4. Four little ladybugs blah blah, turtle, blah blah... 3. Three little ladybugs yadda yadda duck, yadda... 2. Two little ladybugs whatever, frog something... 1. One little ladybug bunch of words, breeze - then she was... Home!"

OK, whatever. Let's just be honest. This book is a veiled attempt to teach our kids about bad luck and DEATH! That, of course, makes this a perfect "month-of-October-celebrate-Halloween" book. On each page, you see the specific animal coming up, eying the ladybugs (hungrily eying, of course) and suddenly, when you turn the page, one ladybug has disappeared without explanation. I, as the mature, "been around the bend" adult knows what is going on. These fish, turtles, ducks, and frogs are EATING these ladybugs! OK, I know that teaching our kids about the circle of life is important, but why veil these explanations with cute pictures and vague storylines? Just put it out there! And, at the end, when all the ladybugs are "home," the ladybugs are frolicking in the flowers with the carnivorous animals that just ate them! Hello? I don't care if I do make it to Heaven, a.k.a. home, I'm not going to spend all of eternity frolicking with the idiot who put me there. So, I don't think the ladybugs are going to play with these bug-eaters for all of eternity.

Just for you, dear readers, I submit my version of Five Little Ladybugs:

"Five little ladybugs sleeping by the shore, along came a fish trying to eat one of the ladybugs, so the ladybugs got out their dynamite, lit the fuse, and then there were no fish and... "

"Four little ladybugs climbing up a tree, along came a turtle trying to eat one of the ladybugs, so the ladybugs got out their soup pot, boiled the water, and then there were no turtles and... "

"Three little ladybugs drinking up dew, along came a duck trying to eat one of the ladybugs, so the ladybugs got out their shotgun, fired that sucker, and then there were no ducks and... "

"Two little ladybugs basking in the sun, along came a frog trying to eat one of the ladybugs, so the ladybugs got out their machete, cut off the frog legs, and then there were no frogs and... "

"One little ladybug sitting all alone, mourning the loss of her friends, knowing that they nobly sacrificed themselves and that they were in Heaven and all the bastard animals that tried to kill and eat them were burning in a special place."

Yes, I'm a sick gal. I've acknowledged this. So has Ty-man and most of my family and friends. Don't worry. To date, I haven't harmed anyone except myself and my mind.

Another Kid Book Review

Don't ask me why, but this book annoys the hell out of me. I'm sure you've read it. If not, or if it's been a long time, allow me to refresh your memory. The Little Red Hen finds a grain of wheat, plants it, reaps it, takes it to the mill to be ground into flour, makes a loaf of bread out of the flour, and eats the bread. Before she completes each task, she asks Duck, Goose, Cat, and Pig to help her. They refuse, playing and being lazy instead. Finally, when she asks who will help her eat the bread, they all volunteer to do so and she tells them no, that she will eat it herself, since she herself did all of the work for said bread loaf.

OK, first off, she finds one grain of wheat. One. That's going to take her all of, what, one minute to plant. Why does she need help planting one lousy grain of wheat? I'd say she's the lazy one if she needs assistance planting one grain of wheat. I'd feel bad for her if she needed to plant an entire back 40 of wheat on her own. Then she should ask for help. The same goes for reaping the one grain of wheat. Again, this will take her all of a minute or two. Then, taking one stalk of wheat to the mill is not, by any stretch of the imagination, a tiresome task. I would think that one stalk isn't very heavy and she can carry that sucker on her own. I don't even think one stalk of wheat is big enough for five people (or talking animals) to carry. Too many cooks spoil the soup, I say!

Now, she's going to have that one stalk milled into flour. Is there truly enough flour milled from one stalk to make an entire loaf of bread? I don't think so. I think she and the miller had some sort of illicit deal going on to supplement the meager flour milled from her one measly stalk of wheat. That's the only way she could have made an entire loaf of bread from her flour. And, if she did use only the flour from her one stalk of wheat, then the loaf wasn't big enough for five people/talking animals to all eat anyway. I think she was being facetious offering to share her bread. I think if the other four animals had helped her, they wouldn't have received more than a crumb of bread as thanks because of the small size of the loaf.

Finally, why should Cat, Goose, Duck, or Pig be obligated to help the Little Red Hen? They obviously aren't her family (different species) and they aren't good friends. The other four animals never invite Little Red Hen to play/goof off with them. Therefore, they can't be more than just acquaintances. Personally, I think the Little Red Hen has a "poor me/martyr" complex. Instead of help with her measly grain of wheat, she needs counseling!

That's my take on The Little Red Hen. Comment away, people!

My Twins' PG-13 Book

Well, not really. The book itself isn't PG-13, but Ty-man and I are. See, I love all of Eric Carle's books (The Very Hungry Caterpillar, The Very Grouchy Ladybug, etc.) and one was given to the twins last Christmas called Have you seen my cat? The book is about a little boy looking for his cat. He travels all over the world, to different cultures, asking people he meets if they've seen his cat. He is pointed in the directions of lions, tigers, jaguars, and so on, each time stating, "This is not my cat!" Finally, a couple on a park bench point him in the right direction, and he finds his cat (and her six kittens), declaring "This is my cat!" Thus the book ends.

What makes this book PG-13 is the boy's cat at the end of the book, surrounded by her six kittens. Did the little boy know she was having kittens? Was she missing all this time because she ran off with her feline gigolo, partying and getting knocked up? Ty-man read the book to Bubba and Miss-Miss this morning and we declared, at the same time, "This is my cat and she's a big ho!" Yes, we take a perfectly innocent story, a story that introduces children to different cultures and types of cats, and turn it into something nasty! We have such gutter brains. But, if our minds weren't in the gutter, where would they be? Mine would be in the bottom of my coffee cup and Ty-man's would probably be in the Starship Enterprise. God help us all!