Have EMF Meter, Will Travel

There are certain truths regarding a four-hour drive to a paranormal investigation with your fellow ghost-bustin' peeps:

• Investigation stories will abound. We will all tell our creepiest. Mine will be less-than stellar.

• If said investigation is twenty minutes outside Savannah? Then said G-Busters will eat at a purportedly haunted restaurant. Moon River Brewing Company, anyone?

• And if we're in Savannah for a quick dinner? Then we must get tweaked out on sugar before the investigation, must'nt we?

• Always make sure you text your husband the address of the in-the-boonies location you're driving to just in case your "clients" are "Jason Voorhees wanna-bes!"

• Relief inevitably follows when you realize your clients aren't serial killers. But relief quickly flies out the window when you begin to understand that they are orb-chasers.

• Setting up equipment, wiring up cameras.... American White Shepherd! Sweet puppy! Come, on! Does dat wittle baby wanna pway ball? Huh? Come on! Do you wanna come home wif me? Yes you do! Yes you do! Yes... oh, wait. We're here to investigate? Not play with the client's dog? Crap.

• If the client has two buildings to investigate on the property? And offer their golf cart for you to use to move between the two? Paranormal investigators are guaranteed to act like idiots while driving it. And giggle a lot.

• Driving four hours one way with no visible results during the investigation (read: a shadow doesn't jump out and shout BOO!) is sure to make ghost busters grumpy.

• 37 years old + Eddie Bauer sleeping bag + client's hardwood floor = minimal sleep and sore muscles

• When finding a breakfast location before hitting the road, always remember that Waffle House trumps McDonald's. Every. Time.

• And finally it's good to note that a large Waffle House coffee and tons of cheesy 80s hits on the XM 80s station will keep awake an exhausted Heather during the return four hour drive home.

But the best part of the investigation? Getting home. To sweet kids. A smiling husband. A Tempur-Pedic bed. And a three-hour HOA Board meeting.

Yeah. More to follow on that one later...

Road Rules

Our cousin J turned 15 yesterday. And yesterday, she took the test for her learner's permit. She was worried about passing, but she's a smart girl and I didn't think she would have any problems. Plus? That whole smart thing? Comes with a load of common sense meaning this is one 15-year-old who won't be a menace on the road.

But, just to be sure, I thought I would present a few extra-helpful rules for her to live by when she is "on the road again." So, without further ado, I give you:

Coal Miner's Granddaughter's Common Sense Rules for Driving Safe!

1. On a normal day, feel free to drive at least 10 miles over the posted speed limit. Otherwise, you may become a highway pancake. When you're PMS-ing? Drive 20 miles over the limit. You're allowed.

2. Stop signs and red lights are optional at 4AM. When no one is around. And you reeeeeaaaaally have to pee.

3. Feel free to make right turns at red lights, unless otherwise noted with signage. Unless you're a rich bimbo, driving a Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster, talking on your cell phone, and flashing your five carat Tiffany's diamond while simultaneously taking a drag off your Virginia Slim. Then? By all means, the signage does not apply to you. You may turn on red while the rest of us wait.

4. Mail trucks, schmail trucks. Run those f'ers off the road!

5. If a police officer has pulled someone over onto the shoulder, and has the lights blazing on his cruiser, DON'T SLOW DOWN! It's not a "grass is greener" situation. He's not going to abandon his current citation-writing to chase down your "85 in a 65" butt. He's already committed. Maintain your current speed and direction, please.

6. Rubberneck at an accident on the opposite side of the road and I will have to ram you.

So, what say all of you? Have any helpful tips for Cousin J? Leave them in the comments and I'll pass them along to her.