I'm Famous!

Well, OK. Not really. I mean, you're not going to open up the paper this morning and witness my scary mug on the front page. Nay. I should have actually titled this I'm Famous in Ellijay! And Maybe Canton. And Possibly Jasper. Dude, I Rocked Gilmer County's Collective Mind! Actually, none of that happened. What truly went on was over a month ago, my paranormal group headed off for Blue Ridge, Georgia to participate in the Blue Ridge Ghost Tour (which, by the way, is a great tour and if you ever find yourself in Fannin County and need something to do, DO IT!). While there, a producer from ETCTV3 asked if we would mind being included in the Halloween special she was preparing for her channel. We said sure and my team shoved me out of line to the front. It was payback time.

See, last year, we were following during an investigation and were part of a late-night Atlanta news report. I made sure, during said investigation, to be behind somebody whenever the camera was around. I was determined to NOT be on TV. Yeah. This time, my team made sure there was no one for me to hide behind. I love you guys and I'll be stealing the batteries out of your KII meters at the next investigation. Hugs and kisses!

Here, in all my impromptu interview glory, is my attempt at cable access TV. Just shoot me.

(P.S. You may need to crank the volume. And FYI, the lady between my two interview segments is the owner of the Blue Ridge Ghost Tour, Kim.)



If you can't see the video above, click here to view on YouTube.

They Call Her... The Stigette!

Dear Top Gear producers,
I really, truly think your show is awesome. The cars, the hosts, the laughter, the craziness, all makes for perfect telly watching. You're just missing one thing.

A Yank. A lady Yank. In particular... me.

OK. Here's the deal. I would laugh at all of Jeremy Clarkson's bad, inappropriate jokes. I would openly ridicule James May and his incredible slowness. And I would hug Richard Hammond. Every five minutes. And help each of them prank the other. Relentlessly.

In addition, I cannot fake a British accent, but I know a few British slang terms. And since I will most likely use them incorrectly, your home viewers will have a great time ridiculing the stupid Yank tart and ratings will climb! Plonker! Sod off! Bloody Hell!

Plus? My retired-cop father took great pride in teaching me defensive driving, a.k.a. "Run the stupid f*ckers off the road!" On snowy days, he would drive me to school via the back roads just so he could rip some doughnuts on the slick, icy roads. Am I as skilled as he? No. Am I scared of speed and spinning out? No. Could I be the Grasshopper to The Stig's Sensei? Oh, hell yeah.

And the best part? I'm a sucker for peer pressure. Meaning, if Jeremy or James or Richard start pouting and whining "Oh, come on Heather. The Stig says if you don't do this you're a smeghead. So, get on, will ya?" Meaning, if you apply enough guilt, and then hand me the keys to a McLaren F1 and tell me to race it through the streets of London with Scotland Yard on my tail, all while the cameras are rolling, doing all this because I'm trying to beat Jeremy, in his Bugatti Veyron, to Buckingham Palace, and the first one there gets to swipe the hat off a Queen's Guard and promptly get arrested, I'll probably say, "OK. Why not?"

In conclusion, I would like to present my introduction onto the show. I can hear Jeremy saying it now...

Some say she invented Princess Leia's cinnamon buns and that if you were to introduce her to George Lucas, she'd hump his leg and name the baby Han. All we know is... she's called the Coal Miner's Granddaughter!

And the applause, if not thunderous, would be polite.

I eagerly await your answer.

Warm regards,
Heather
a.k.a. The Fourth Top Gear Presenter
a.a.k.a. The Stigette

10 Reasons Why North & South Cheers Me Up

OR

Why I'm Glad I Didn't Live in 19th-Century America*

1. David Carradine is much cooler as Bill than as an abusive slave-owner. No contest. The samurai sword wins every time.

2. Four words: Cheesy. Major. Network. Mini-series.

3. The lack of satellite TV in 1860 would be heartbreaking. I wouldn't know of satellite TV's future existence, but still. I'm pretty sure I'd be bored out of my gourd.

4. In the 19th century, I wouldn't be known as a Blogger but rather That loony woman up the road who never leaves her house and writes crazy pamphlets. Oh, and? She smells.

5. Hot Patrick Swayze/Lesley-Anne Down sex. Yummy.

6. I could watch Gone With The Wind, but damn it, Vivien Leigh's attempt at a Southern accent gives me the willies.

7. A young Jonathan Frakes? Without a beard? Playing a wuss? Kinda funny.

8. DAMN! This Thin Mint is orgasmi... wait. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. No Girl Scout cookies in 19th century America. Mphffff. Crunch. Snort! I'm pretty sure of that.

9. Lewis Smith! LEWIS FRAKKING SMITH, people! Also known as Perfect Tommy in The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension? Look at what you've made me do. Now I'm going to have to watch that movie. And listen to Ty-man roll his eyes. Because, believe me, he rolls his eyes so hard during this movie that I can hear them two seats over. But I don't care. Because it's Peter Weller! Looking sexy! And the Hong Kong Cavaliers! With aliens who speak Rastafarian and are named John Smallberries and John Bigboote! And... wait. What the fuck were we just talking about?

10. It was rough living as a woman in the 1800s. Honestly. No indoor plumbing. No jeans. And no TAMPONS! Fer cryin' out loud, it was barbaric.

* Yeah. It's a mixed-bag. I couldn't make up my mind. Kind of buzzing over here from all the Thin Mints.

Kevin Smith Meets the Visitors

I'm a sci-fi geek and a Kevin Smith nut as well. Who, you may ask, is Kevin Smith? Well, allow me to explain. Kevin Smith, in my humble opinion, is only the best film director/writer/actor ever to grace the movie screen. He has written, directed, and starred in such gems as Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks II, Jersey Girl, and so on. Clerks was his first film, shot on location in New Jersey at the Quick Stop convenience store where he worked, paid for ($10,000) with credit cards and starring all of his buddies. The movie is hysterical and kind of the definition of, I think, Generation X. In this movie, the two main characters (Dante and Randal) are discussing the destruction of the second Death Star at the end of Return of the Jedi. Randal argues that since this Death Star wasn't complete, there had to be many independent contractors on this Death Star, working on construction, minding their own business, trying to make a living, and not caring about the fate of a government that would just as soon kill them than pay their salaries. In other words, innocent lives lost at the hands of an uncaring Rebellion. It's a fascinating (and hysterical) monologue and one you should check out.

That monologue got me thinking about the NBC miniseries V, a popular sci-fi take on WWII and the Nazi invasion of Europe, shown on TV screens in 1983-1984. Instead of a fascist government, there were the reptilian Visitors from outer space, here to steal our water and freeze us for food. Well, here's my Kevin Smith monologue on V.

Supposedly, when the Visitors came to Earth, they came in 50 mother ships, each ship carrying about 6,500 aliens. That makes for 325,000 aliens total on Earth, not all of them soldiers. That means, a mere 325,000 aliens versus 6,000,000,000 (that's right, as in b) humans. Hmmmm, I think we could kick their butts in numbers alone. Now, putting those ships together costs money, right? Supposedly their planet and eco-system are dying and they need our natural resources to fix that problem. They're at war with several other alien species and need us for food and cannon fodder. OK, taking into account that these 50 mother ships are each 3.2 km in circumference and 900 feet tall, I would say 50 of those suckers would cost a pretty penny. In addition to that, each ship has three fusion (that right, fusion not fission) nuclear reactors to provide power, propulsion, and a wicked self-destruct mechanism. Again, lots of Benjamins. So, they've taken away 325,000 of their people (people that could have helped to fight their wars) and spent an incalculable amount of money on these 50 ships to get to Earth. Not only is their planet dying, but they've now screwed their economy with all the ship construction going on! Hello! Why not spend the cash on figuring out ways to turn around their eco-system? I mean, come on, it's not like water is some special chemical compound that requires 10 different rare elements. You need hydrogen (the most plentiful element in the universe) and oxygen. That's it! Figure it out!

Lastly, the Visitors are openly hostile toward Earth scientists. Early in the series, scientists begin to either disappear or become brainwashed, presumably because the Visitors don't want their secret found out by these scientists and then leaked to the public. The secret, of course, is that they're 6-foot tall walking, talking iguanas. This doesn't make sense to me. Wouldn't you rather take out the military arms of each country? I would be more worried about Navy SEALS, the Army Rangers, the "black ops" CIA agents, the Israeli army who uses Krav Maga to kick serious ass, the armed Columbian drug runners, and members of the NRA. Wouldn't you rather get rid of these people instead of going after a bunch of geeky scientist who could beat you at Trivial Pursuit, but not so good at hand-to-hand combat? Just a thought.

Anyway, I'm spent. Now you know why I'm crazy. This is the kind of thing I think about late at night while awake with the baby or the twins. It's either think about Visitors and Kevin Smith or, "Which breast does J-man go on this time? Left or right?"

Bo & Luke Vs. Coy & Vance

Sitting on my shelf is the Dukes of Hazzard, Season 5, DVD set. This is the only set of Dukes of Hazzard DVDs you will find in this house. Why, you may ask? Because, season 5 gave us Coy and Vance Duke. Coy and Vance?!? Who the...?!? You, of course, remember Bo, Luke, Daisy, and Uncle Jesse. There was also Boss Hogg, Sheriff Rosco, and Deputy Enos. But Coy and Vance, well they were my favorite Duke boys!

John Schneider and Tom Wopat were in a snit over their share of merchandising dollars, or rather their lack of share in the merchandising dollars. You see, back in 1982, they were rather ticked that no money was making it to their bank accounts from the sale of Dukes of Hazzard lunch boxes, action figures, books, and so on. So, they went on strike, left Hazzard county without even a "Kiss my..." Well, you know. Anyhoo, those know-it-all network execs decided they didn't need Bo or Luke. They were just a couple of nobodies that could easily be replaced with a couple more nobodies. So, Bo and Luke went on the NASCAR racing circuit and cousins Coy Duke (Byron Cherry) and Vance Duke (Christopher Mayer) took their place. They would come to be known as the "replacement Dukes" and be reviled throughout history.

Even though these two swaggered like Bo and Luke, slid across the General's hood like Bo and Luke, and battled Boss Hogg's shenanigans like Bo and Luke, they were unnecessarily panned by fans and critics. Hey, they couldn't help it! Get off their backs! They were doing a difficult job made even more difficult with four years of character chemistry they had to overcome.

By season 5's episode 19, aired in February, 1983, it was all over. Tom Wopat and John Schneider had successfully re-negotiated their contracts and Byron Cherry and Christopher Mayer were unceremoniously shown the front door of the Boar's Nest. Coy and Vance drove off, never to be seen or heard from again. Their names were never mentioned, nor did they show up in any of the subsequent reunion specials.

I am probably the only Dukes of Hazzard fan who is a fan because of season 5. I could never get behind Bo or Luke. For some reason, sitting around with my fellow 4th grade classmates, I couldn't admit to a Bo or Luke crush, because I didn't have one. When 5th grade dawned and Coy and Vance came onto the scene, I had crushes on both. While my fellow 5th grade girlfriends lamented the absence of their sweethearts, I was as happy as a lark that Coy and Vance had replaced the dull, not-so-good-looking Bo and Luke. I was in heaven, until episode 19. Then, my world ended. I gave up on Dukes of Hazzard after that, not because the story lines sucked or because the car chases were getting old and overdone, but because they took away my Coy and Vance.

Byron Cherry did some TV episodic work until 1990 and Christopher Mayer did the same until about six years ago. Byron owns a bar/pub in California and he and Christopher remain friends to this day. Even though Hazzard county shafted them, I'm quite proud to say that I was of fan of Coy and Vance Duke. I can only hope that one day, when all the Hazzard county characters are old and gray, using walkers and wheelchairs, collecting Social Security and complaining about their dentures, that the penultimate Dukes reunion will take place WITH Coy and Vance. Sigh. One can dream....