14 February 2008

Happy Christian Martyr Feast Day!

Oh, yeah. I hate Valentine's Day.

I mean, it's not a seething hate. It's more of a simmering disgust. Allow me to explain.

Four years ago, Ty-man and I went out for our usual Valentine's Day foray into the wilderness of over-priced, over-crowded restaurants. We had exchanged our $2 Hallmark cards, Ty-man brought home roses that normally would cost $20, but because of the demand of the holiday, were twice that amount. Later, we decided to eat at Stoney River, a nice steak restaurant. The problem? They didn't take reservations. OK, we know what we're getting into, but the food is really good so we'll give it a go.

We sat.
We checked our status on the seating list.
We sat.
We played Bejeweled on Ty-man's phone.
We sat.
We watched others get seated.
We sat.
My blood sugar dropped like a lead weight.
It had been three hours.

That's when Johnny Hunt walked in. Who, you ask, is Johnny Hunt? He is the pastor of the First Baptist Church of Woodstock - a place I affectionately refer to as "Six Flags Over Jesus" and "The Mothership." Do I like FBCW? No. There's a long history there that we won't get into. Anyhoo, Pastor Johnny Hunt walks in to this over-crowded restaurant that takes no reservations, through a crowd of ravenously hungry wanna-be-diners, and I hear the hostess say, "Mr. Hunt! Your table is ready!"

'Scuse me?
His table is ready?
He just friggin' got there.
Riiiiiiiight.

Want to know how low my blood sugar was? I looked at Ty-man and, in a voice loud enough for the entire group of people who had also been waiting three hours to hear, said, "Well, if I tell them I'm the minister of the First Church of Heather, do you think we'll get seated, too?" The lady sitting next to me snorted. Ty-man calmly put away his phone, grabbed my arm, and scooted us out of there before I went ape shit. We ended our evening at Folks and decided that we'd had it with Valentine's Day. We have our wedding anniversary on May 27th and that's the day we should celebrate our love and devotion to one another, not some arbitrary Christian martyr feast day that Chaucer decided should be a day to celebrate romantic and courtly love and that florists, card shops, and jewelers felt would be a money-making bonanza.

Screw that. Today I'll make heart cookies for the kids and Ty-man and I will eat a simple, lard-flavored meal of green beans, country-fried steak, and squash casserole at our local Folks restaurant, proudly thumbing our noses at the ridiculousness of it all. No flowers, no cards, no chocolates, no jewels, just us exchanging "I love yous" as we do everyday!

19 comments:

HEATHER said...

I had my mother(a WV gal born and raised)read this and she is seriously surprised that you didn't gather up the other patrons and march on the hostess stand. I told her that is why your hubby dragged you out of there in a hurry!

jayna said...

"Six Flags Over Jesus"! Oh, shit! I almost peed my pants! I love it! We have one of those up here, and don't ya know it, it's the same freaking thing. Everybody and their brother knows Alistair (yes, Alistair).

We don't do Valentine's either. The husband never did when we were dating, and then one year he got some wild idea to get me roses. While I was flattered, I let him have it about dropping that ridiculous amount of cash on already dying flora. He learned, and made it a point to tell me those flowers the other day weren't for the holiday.

Mr. Fabulous said...

So...you're NOT gonna be my valentine?

Fuck.

Teri said...

No "valentime," no "Valentime's" Day, no comment.

Avitable said...

That's funny.

Amy and I stopped trying to go out to dinner on VD a while ago - we usually go out the night before. I still send her flowers at work and home plus gifts, though.

Miss Britt said...

We don't do anything for Valentine's Day. Christmas, my January birthday, and a March anniversary - Valentine's Day is just so "meh".

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - After the First Church of Heather comment, that was going to be my next move. Good thing we left!

Jayna - Alistair. What is it with ministers of big churches and weird names? Is it a requirement?

Fab - Yes, hon, I'm your Valentine. Smooches!

Teri - Geek.

Avitable - Underneath all that thick back hair, you're just a sweetie.

Britt - Yeah, we got birthdays, anniversary, and mothers'/fathers' days. That's enough for me!

Shar said...

Amen Sister, Amen.

Gypsy said...

We will be eating at home and drinking a bottle of wine in front of the TV. How romantical. We'll probably screw, though, so that'll be nice.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

We are too worn out with the kids at this age to do anything for ourselves. I prefer to do a decked-out candlelight dinner at home that I made than to go to a restaurant precisely for the reasons you mentioned.

This is a holiday I just can't get bitter about, though. I dreaded Valentines day all through school bc I never had a boyfriend, etc. but esp. now that I have kids it is just so damned cute to watch them decorate the house with hearts. I will save my angst for when my kids are in junior high and come home crying bc their secret crush didn't give them a Valentine. For now, Hubbie and I laughed last night that we let the kids pick out cards (we picked one for "the boys" and the boys picked one out for "the girls") and we have no bloody clue where they are. I told dh that we'll find them after we unpack all the boxes. Valentine's Day in March, baby. WooHoo!

Andrea said...

LOL! We have a Six-Flags-Over-Jesus, too! They even built three HUMONGOUS crosses by interstate 40. Memphis is known for it's gaudy landmarks, starting with the crosses. Now we also have a bastardized Statue of Liberty holding a cross instead of a torch, but my favorite (truly) is a huge golden Buddha at one of the Buddhist temples here.

And it's good your hubby knew when to get you out of there. :)

Andrea said...

*sorry. The first "it's" should have been "its". I couldn't let that go.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Shar - Testify!

Gypsy - Screwing, that'll be nice!

NATUI - Yeah, it will break my heart if Miss-Miss doesn't get flowers - which is why if she has no boyfriend, Ty-man and I will make sure she gets some!

Andrea - No. Way. A Statue of Liberty holding a cross. Dude. Stop me from vandalism - now.

Andrea again - It's/Its OK! :-)

Military Mom said...

I can't believe you stayed there for 3 hours! I would have left after about 20 minutes, but I am impatient that way. Your First Church of Heather was funny though. Sure it wasn't "Bishop" Jim Earl from The Church In The Now? That's the big church in Covington, my Mom used to attend. Remind me to tell you THAT story sometime.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Military Mom - Oh, no, it was Pastor Hunt (said with a Southern accent). You can tell it's him because of the year-round tan and the diamond pinkie rings. Can't stand preachers who wear a lot of bling.

terancedubya said...

I don't know if you can hear me clapping in admiration here in New Mexico, but dammit girl, you and your man deserve one even louder...kudos.

MommyCosm said...

We usually don't do the whole VDay thing, but seeing as I've been stuck under a sick 2 year old all week and The Daddy is getting snipped today, we accepted an offer for childcare and ventured on out.

Unfortunately, we didn't get out the door until after 7:30pm...and the line at our restaurant of choice was a mile out the door...so, we kept driving to a yummy burger joint, shared cheese fries and arrived home just in time to watch LOST.

Very romantic, I know.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Terancedubya - Thank you, thank you very much!

MommyCosm - Sounds like a very romantic evening to me!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Angel - WTF? Dude, don't friggin' spam my shit. I don't visit spam sites. And? Deleting your comment. See ya!