16 April 2008

Sexy Who? Wantin' Me to Convert to What?

OK, first off. If any of you lovely readers o' mine out there in the blogverse are Mormon...

I mean no disrespect. In fact, I've got big respect for anyone of any faith. I seem to be lacking in the "God gene" present in those with so much faith in their Maker. Me? Organized religion and a faith in the unseen is a mystery.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

When I was a kid, I remember the odd occasion when a couple of young men would come to door and introduce themselves as Mormons wanting to tell us about God. My dad would politely thank them but shoo them off and then, after closing the door, mumble under his breath, "Goddamned Mormons." We, you see, were Presbyterian. Predestination, Apostle's Creed, all that.

As a young married woman, living in our first house, we were far enough off the beaten path to not receive visitors of the faith-based persuasion. In this house, though, the tables have turned. Jehovah's Witnesses come quite regularly and young Mormon men have been by twice. The first time was our first month in the house, on the day of our housewarming party. The second time? In 2002, while we were at the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. How ironic.

Whenever these young Mormon missionaries come by, I politely thank them, tell them I admire what they're doing, but that we're not interested. But not anymore! Cause I've seen this:

Oh, yeah baby! This is the brain child of Mormons Exposed, a calendar of twelve sexy, young Mormon men just back from their two-year missions. The info page states:

Usually seen riding their bicycles and preaching door-to-door, these hunky young men of faith explode with sexuality on each calendar page. Hand-selected for their striking appearances and powerful spiritual commitment, the "devout dozen" are stepping away from the Mormon traditions of modest dress, and "baring their testimony" to demonstrate that they can have strong faith and be proud of who they are, both with a sense of individualism and a sense of humor.

Dear Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints:
Please send these young, virile men to my door. I may not convert, but I'll certainly invite them in for a caffeine-free soda and some "baring testimony." No slamming of doors, I promise! There might be inappropriate questions, such as, "Would you take off your shirts?" and "Would you lick this calendar?" But, I promise, it will all be done with the utmost respect.

And did I mention licking?



Fantastagirl said...

One Halloween while in college, I dressed up as a nun (I had it all - including the rosary and veil) and had just stopped back at the apartment to grab something, when the doorbell rang - it was the Mormons. Needless to say - they never came back, I did tell them I'd pray for them, and blessed them as they left.

Ok, Where Was I? said...

Holy crap. That's weird. But hell yeah, send them on over. The guys that come to my place don't look like that--the Terminex guy, the Culligan Water guy, the heater/ac guy. Oh, but the last guy that came to check the meeter was kind of cute.

The Ferryman said...

Wait...you were members of a religion that worshipped Apollo Creed?

RiverPoet said...

HA! OMG - where do I sign up??

Peace - D

Unknown said...

Yes. I'd like a "devout dozen" to go please.

Avitable said...

I go to the Church of Lesser Dressed Saints.

Cricky said...

For the shirtless guy...I might just make it out of bed on Sundays.

Liz Hill said...

hee hee---they just have the pasty white geekoid variety here--not that there's anything wrong with that;-)

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Fantastagirl - HA! That's awesome! I need to find a nun costume...

OK, Where Was I? - Yeah, those guys show really unattractive, hairy butt cracks. Blech!

Fab - Rocky, too!

Momma - The local Mormon temple, baby!

Teri - Hee hee!

Avitable - The Cathedral of Missionary Position welcomes you!

Just a Girl - I wonder if putting dollar bills in their waistbands rather than in the collection plate would get us in trouble?

Turnbaby - Yeah. I always get the pasty white "deers in headlights" variety myself.

Donna said...

oooo la la!
That might be worth dragging two small children to church for

And, that's one of the reasons I love living in 'God's Country'; apparently we don't need saving out here. (But, I'm totally down with that!)

Lori said...

Oh Heather-
You made me snort orange juice out my nose this morning.
I (ahem) grew up Mormon.
A many-generation Mormon. I can't even count the generations.

And let me just tell you, some of those missionary boys are tasty (to look at) but the ones just back from their missions - well, they are like crazed octopuses. Octopi? Whatever - I'm not awake yet.
The most "handsy" date I ever went on was a recent RM (returned missionary) and holy freakin' cow, man ...
But I grew up having revolving crushes on the missionaries in our ward. (like a parish) My mom even gave them haircuts to help them save money and I always made sure I was home those afternoons.

Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane. I need to go wipe the sweat off my brow now, just thinking about a certain few.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Donna - Ha! Either that or those sexy Mormon boys are like "Wha? We've gotta ride our bikes all the way out where? NOT!"

Lori - Excellent! OJ snorting is always a good thing! And? Are you still a Mormon? 'Cause you can put my name on the "visit often" list as long as they're OK doing it shirtless and that I won't convert. I'll even keep the fridge stocked with caffeine-free bevs. Seriously. :-)

Miss Britt said...

I've heard of this before. I think I seriously need to order this.

Because that "devout" thing? Makes them so so so so so hot. Like OMG.

Um, I have to go. It's about to get all inappropriate up in here.

Gypsy said...

Jiminy Cricket, that's hot. It's hot in a really bad way, though. Hot like I wanna convert them, to the Church of Sex.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Since my dad works nights, we really do not want people ringing the doorbell during the day. We had a seven year dry-spell after the first "incident".

The young kids rang the doorbell, my dad answered. They started to hand over the pamphlets and talk about the bible. My dad said Thank god you are here! Please please! Come in! I've got my pictures of the Pope ready for you to take with you. Come inside so I can talk to you about the authority of the Pope... at which point the kids turned their sweaty, pale faces and slunk away from our front porch.

It took seven years for anyone else to ring our doorbell. My dad said they must have had a batch of newbies bc the same thing happened. We have yet to have anyone come back.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Britt - Inappropriateness is all well and good here. No need to leave! :-)

Gypsy - Amen, sista! Can I get an Amen!

NATUI - Hahahahaha! That's awesome!

Anonymous said...


They've been to my neighborhood before too...doubtful these two made it into the calendar.

Weird that they are using "sex" to sell their message...but I'd buy it!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

MommyCosm - Yeah, ours never look this good. *Sniff*