09 May 2008

My Own Personal War

I'm on a mission. A mission from God, as Elwood and Jake would say. My mission? To kill every damned carpenter bee this side of the Mississippi.

Well, maybe not that many. Maybe just the little f-ers who are unlucky enough to wander onto my property.

Observe the enemy:

I know! I know! I hate close-up pictures of bugs, too! Freak me out! *Shiver*

So, up until late last summer, we had no exposed wood on the outside of our property. With the re-design of our back yard, which included a new fence, and building a porch/stoop cover this spring, we have exposed/lightly stained wood. And these little bitches ('cause it's the females who bore the holes)? Think they've just found a beautiful buffet.

Observe the ho digging her hole in the underside of the porch:

This was before I attempted to take her out with a large broom. I was unsuccessful yet the neighbors, I think, got a good laugh.

The hole count thus far? Two on the underside of my stoop cover. Three on three separate fence posts. And one in a dowel that holds up my Sky Chair. Yes. The little wench decided to drill her way through my chair support. My white ash, hand-stained Sky Chair dowel. But I'm not bitter.

So far the body count is two. I've managed to crush one with a sand bag (it was a bad day - something had to bear the brunt of my frustration) and the other? Miss-Miss's toy broom. Oh, yeah. That was a funny sight. Me pounding the hell out of some poor, unsuspecting bee, squealing with bloodlust, while Miss-Miss and Bubba watched quietly from their toy house. Within minutes, there she was, my stalwart daughter doing battle against imaginary bees with her broom. How do I feel about my innocent 2-year-old wanting to follow in Mama's footsteps as the next generation of "bee-killer extraordinaire?"

Damned proud.


Anonymous said...

haha! Love the post. Since I'm on your side of the Mississippi, I do hope you manage to eradicate them.

Avitable said...

Why don't you have a place like Terminix come out and treat everything heavily? Then you can kill them easily.

Liz Hill said...

Laughing at Avi--city boy.

Donna said...

I hate bees. They're so small, buzzy, and just plain creepy! So, kill away - mostly because I hate having to kill bees too. We have wasp issue, every year and I have such a fear of being stung.
Yep, I'm that wimp, calling on my husband . . .

Gypsy said...

I think it's your mission to scare the ever-loving crap out of me, isn't it?

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I don't know if I'd trade you my termites for the carpenter bees. At least I don't own this house. Sending you tons of Master Bee Killer Vibes...

The Ferryman said...


Honey, it's "Jake and Elwood". No one says it the other way around.

Sure, you know all the sci-fi nonsense, but you forget the BASICS.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Shamelessly Sassy - I will do my best!

Avitable - But sweetie. That would be too easy. :-)

Turnbaby - Oh, he is too!

Donna - I like honeybees and non-wood drilling bumble bees. My grandfather was a bee-keeper. So I'm cool with them. But putting holes in my new fence and porch. Die fuckers!

Gypsy - Sorry 'bout that. No more big bug picture. Promise. Deeeeep breaths!

NATUI - Oh, we had a termite swarm when we first moved here eight years ago. Actually? I'll take these guys over the termites. Easier to kill and take care of!

Fab - Yes sir. Lesson noted and filed away for future use.