08 May 2008

The 10 Commandments of Movie-Watching

OK, ladies and gentlebloggers. I, Coal Miner's Granddaughter, am here to deliver to you, straight from the stone tablets given unto me in the Hollywood Hills by George Lucas himself...

The 10 Commandments of Movie-Watching!
(Think a booming James Earl Jones-type of voice. Echoing from on high. Because, as we all know, God sounds like James Earl Jones. Seriously. The burning bush in my front yard told me so!)

1. Thou shalt not use your cell phone in any form or fashion during a movie or its previews. No texting, no receiving calls, no making of calls. - Seriously, people. Can you not live for two f-ing hours, in the moment of the movie, and let your peeps just hang? Come on. You've probably already texted/twittered them that you're at said movie. They can deal! Because if you don't put the phone down? I just might have to throw it at your face.

2. Thou shalt leave your baby/toddler/young child at home with a babysitter. - Honest to God, I am so friggin' tired of going to these really loud and scary horror/sci-fi/action flicks and seeing a young couple in the row in front of me with a baby. A MOTHER F-ING BABY! Put down the large popcorn, Diet Coke, and box of Goobers and use the money you would have spent on said concessions on a damned babysitter. Can't afford it? STAY AT HOME!

3. Thou shalt not talk during the movie. - Duh.

4. Thou shalt not talk during the official movie previews. - Some people in the audience are there to see a specific preview and couldn't care less about the movie. At times, really important upcoming sci-fi movie previews can be attached to the lamest movies and those of us who are die-hard sci-fi geeks are there for the two-minute preview. So, SHUT THE F UP!

5. Thou shalt keep thy feet to thyself. - Yes, if the seat in front of you is empty, feel free to prop up those clodhoppers at will. But? If someone is sitting in front of you? Like me? I'm not your personal ottoman, asshat! GET YOUR FEET DOWN!

6. Thou shalt not "nervous laugh" during pivotal movie moments. - Little air-headed teenage girl? In the back? With your male posse? Trying to be cool? Yeah, um, how do I say this. Those boys aren't at that movie for you. They're at that movie for the movie. What a concept, I know. I'm there for the movie, too. Not for your air-head commentary and certainly not for your ill-timed nervous "how do I respond to this important part of the plot" laughter. Just be quiet. Please? I'm sure you can manage that for two hours. If not? I have duct tape in the car. The silver tape will complement your earrings. Honest.

7. Thou shalt sit next to total strangers on opening night. - That guy? That seriously geeky guy sitting in the center of the theater? He's not going to bite. He's focused on watching this movie on it's opening night. And since it's opening night? It's going to be crowded. Sit next to him - don't leave an empty seat between you. You're going to have to scoot over, anyway. The movie theater goobs will make you move over because the theater will fill to capacity and that family of four over there? They would like to sit together. So... MOVE!

8. Thou shalt watch the credits in their entirety. - Firstly, all those names in the credits? Those are real-ass people who worked on this movie. Worked hard. From the actors to the hair stylists, to the model makers, to the caterers and accountants. They, too, would like the recognition and can only get that if you watch all their names scroll by. Plus? You never know when Hollyweird is going to tack on some important plot point at the end of the credits. It happens all the time and so many people miss these things! TRAVESTY!

9. Thou shalt not complain about movie ticket prices to the movie theater management. - The movie theater management has no say regarding movie ticket prices. That's a movie production house thing. Complain to Paramount, 20th Century Fox, Disney, or don't go to the movies at all! Wait six months for the DVD. Just don't hassle the poor, frazzled theater manager who just wants to keep his employees from pissing in the popcorn machine.

10. Thou shalt pick up your trash once the movie is over. - Look. Don't pick up every piece of popcorn you dropped. But pick up your cup, popcorn container, and Goobers box, haul your lazy ass out of the theater, and drop said items in the trash cans. For the love of Pete - those poor movie theater goobs already have to mop your Iron Man slobber off the floor. Do you really think they want to pick up your trash, too?

Whew! Thanks. Feel better now...


Creative-Type Dad said...

It drives me crazy when people take their baby's to a "R" movie.

The wife and I go to a movie theater, maybe twice a year, and those people ruin it.

I've become a huge fan of Netflx.

Liz Hill said...

I've been out of the movie oing loop for these reasons and more.

Fabby and I will venture once more to the Cineplex though--I may have to add to this list!

The Ferryman said...

I would totally watch a movie with you anytime. Bravo!

Not when it's crowded, though. I like the first show on a Sat or Sun. Best time to go.

It will be a challenge trying to convince Turnbaby to leave her cell in the car, however...

RiverPoet said...

Classic CMGD. And me? I knew you were talking about Iron Man even before you got to that part. :-) What do I win??

I'm with CTD. I've become a huge fan of Netflix. We have greatly reduced the number of movies we see out, and I don't like going to see something that a bunch of teenagers are bound to haunt. It's just too frustrating for me.

What did you think of the movie?

Peace - D

Unknown said...

There are far more creative things to do with idiots' cell phones.

Avitable said...

I agree with you except for the sitting next to a stranger part. Fuck that. I keep an extra seat on both sides of me and I'll tell people I'm holding them for someone. I also usually go to the movies during weeknights or the early showings on weekends so that the theaters aren't crowded, too.

I also leave my drink and candy box there. That's why they get paid - to clean up the trash.

highlander1463 said...

Asshat? I love it.

These Commandments should be posted outside every movie theater and scrolled across the screen before the preview start.

Good show old bean...


Gypsy said...

10 very good reasons why I rarely go to the movies anymore.

Deanna said...

This is exactly why I don't go to the movies very often! There is someone who is going to break everyone of these commandments EVERY TIME you go!!! Maybe you should sell these to theaters and then collect fines (kind of like a library). What a way to earn a living.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Creative-Type Dad - Netflix is cool. I just don't want to give up the experience of surround-sound and the big screen.

Turnbaby - Wish we could hit the movie loop together! MOVE TO ATLANTA!!! Waaaahhhh.

Fab - Those are excellent movie showing times. She can take her cell in, just on vibrate baby!

Momma - Iron Man was so friggin' awesome. And? I actually busted out the F-word with a bunch of rowdy teenagers once. That and the spittle at the corners of my mouth did the trick.

Teri - Yeah. I know. Shoving them into tiny orifices is fun.

Avitable - You're too funny, hon. Not sitting next to strangers. That's why you go to the movies with a bunch of friends and make sure you're in the middle!

Highlander1463 - I think I might have to hand these things out at the theater next time I go...

Gypsy - There are times when I think I may never go back.

Deanna - And it drives me nuts that it's just common friggin' sense and courtesy. It's the state of our society today! Grrrrr....

Not Afraid to Use It said...

How about turning the fucking sound down? I don't need to develop tinnitus from a movie of all things.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

NATUI - True. At times the sound is too much!