20 November 2008

Frozen

When you touch my leg? In the middle of the night? After one of our kids wakes up crying, fussing, coughing, and I've had to get up and calm, soothe, medicate, or locate, and I return to bed? And you reach over to touch my thigh and say, "I love you."? I always stiffen.

In anger. Frustration. Upset. Irritation.

When we wake up in the morning, I move. And I work. And I stress. And I function. Whether I want to or not.

All. Day. Long.

And I don't stop. Because I don't have time. And if I do stop, so does everything else. The dust settles. The laundry piles. The applesauce fingerprints dry. And even though those things make up a home as much as the laughter and the tears? And I've been reminded that those things can wait? I can't let them sit because they would drive me crazy. So I chase these things. Constantly.

And the kids are a force of nature who only know one thing; this is all about them and there is no room for me. Or you. And I get so frustrated that our conversations are interrupted. And that there is no us time because at the end of the day we're exhausted beyond belief. And it drives me nuts that when the kids and the house are taken care of, there is no time to take care of me or us. And I'm overwhelmed.

And you're overwhelmed. I know work is particularly stressful right now. That your co-workers/employees are driving you nuts. That your boss is meddling. That your customer is extremely demanding. That your blood pressure is sky-high. And that your sinus infection keeps you from feeling normal. And that stresses me. Because you're my rock. My absolute. My whole number. You're not supposed to crumble or be half. Because I need you. And I hate that I'm so damned needy.

So at the end of the day, when all others have "clocked out" and gone home. Had their dinner and are tucking themselves in, I'm still on the clock. All night. After being there all day. And I'm sick. Exhausted. Frustrated. Tired. Driven mad.

And when I have to get up? For the second time? At o'dark thirty? And you hear me mumbling under my breath on the baby monitor? I'm beyond tired. I'm on the edge of tears.

And when I return to bed and you touch me to re-assure me? And I freeze? It's because I'm embarrassed and positive that you can feel all those negative emotions just through touch. And I don't want you to know. I just want to pretend that you've been asleep all that time, blissfully unaware, and that you don't know how upset I am. How tired I am. How in need I am. Because I want to be perfect. And not needy. And not angry. And not upset. And not frustrated. And not tired. And not human.

I love you, too. And I know and understand that you're feeling for me at 3AM. That you care. But don't touch me. I don't want you to know how crazy I feel.

13 comments:

HEATHER said...

Honey, I'm sorry.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. NO ONE can be perfect.
I want you to choose that as your new mantra,"NO ONE is perfect".
((HUGS))and I will be praying for you.

RiverPoet said...

I'm so sorry life is trampling your spirit right now. It sounds hollow, I know, for me to say, "This too shall pass." But it will.

There were so many days with my kids when I felt like I was losing my mind and should have been committed to a mental hospital, put on a regular diet of electroshock therapy.

And yet I survived and came out stronger on the other end. Let your hubby comfort you, sweetie. It's as much for him as it is for you. Let him hold you while you cry. It is sometimes the sweetest gift you can get.

Peace - D

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

WOW!
It's as if you climbed inside my mind and said things I wasn't yet able to articulate!
WOW!
Wish I had stellar advice for you, but, not so much. If you figure it out, let me know.
My husband knows that I'm way beyond stressed right now. He offers hugs, and I can't let my guard down enough to accept them right now. If I let my guard down, even just a little, everything else will fall apart. I feel like I'm holding it all together with tape and popsicle sticks and I hate that feeling. Sometimes I want to run away.
Sounds like we could both use a little time to ourselves.

Employee No. 3699 said...

Motherhood can feel like a thankless job at times, but hang in there.

kaila said...

Sorry you are feeling so overworked and overwhelmed. Things always look bad before they get better. Light some candles, draw a bath and take an hour for yourself.

Jackie S. Quire said...

Sorry to hear you are having these feelings, but I must say you articulate them so well.

Giggle Pixie said...

I'm right there with you and you have articulated it better than I ever could have. I recently told my husband that I can't handle the stress right now, that I'm waaaaay past my limit, and that I am "nothing but a big bowl of crazy".

But one day at a time. We'll get past this. We have to.

Hang in there. I will too. ((HUGS))

Avitable said...

It sounds like you and Ty might need to try to get away for a night or two, just to recharge.

A Free Man said...

Wow. Just wow.

metalmom said...

On Desperate Housewives, one of the gals gets addicted to adderall because she needs to "do it all". When her friends find out they all say it will pass and THEN they tell her their own 'war stories'. As she cries, she asks "Why didn't anyone tell me??"

Honey, most of us have been there/ done that. And YES it does pass (but it takes forever to do so)Reach out to us and we will tell you our own stories. You are not alone.

Just let him touch. He is sending you love and strength-even if it doesn't seem that way.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Everyone has commented so eloquently. I just want to send you hugs, my dear. You are far from alone. Both on the mom side of the bed and the dad side of the bed.

Faiqa said...

My goodness, if I didn't have such a firm grasp of reality, I could swear that I had written your post. I know. EXACTLY. HOW. YOU. FEEL. I'm forwarding this to my husband.

Gypsy said...

This was beautiful, agonizingly beautiful.

It's easy for me to say, but in the hierarchy of house, kids, you, your relationship? I'm thinking house comes dead last. Try to ease up on yourself a little. {hugs}