06 January 2009

Road Rules

Our cousin J turned 15 yesterday. And yesterday, she took the test for her learner's permit. She was worried about passing, but she's a smart girl and I didn't think she would have any problems. Plus? That whole smart thing? Comes with a load of common sense meaning this is one 15-year-old who won't be a menace on the road.

But, just to be sure, I thought I would present a few extra-helpful rules for her to live by when she is "on the road again." So, without further ado, I give you:

Coal Miner's Granddaughter's Common Sense Rules for Driving Safe!

1. On a normal day, feel free to drive at least 10 miles over the posted speed limit. Otherwise, you may become a highway pancake. When you're PMS-ing? Drive 20 miles over the limit. You're allowed.

2. Stop signs and red lights are optional at 4AM. When no one is around. And you reeeeeaaaaally have to pee.

3. Feel free to make right turns at red lights, unless otherwise noted with signage. Unless you're a rich bimbo, driving a Mercedes SLR McLaren Roadster, talking on your cell phone, and flashing your five carat Tiffany's diamond while simultaneously taking a drag off your Virginia Slim. Then? By all means, the signage does not apply to you. You may turn on red while the rest of us wait.

4. Mail trucks, schmail trucks. Run those f'ers off the road!

5. If a police officer has pulled someone over onto the shoulder, and has the lights blazing on his cruiser, DON'T SLOW DOWN! It's not a "grass is greener" situation. He's not going to abandon his current citation-writing to chase down your "85 in a 65" butt. He's already committed. Maintain your current speed and direction, please.

6. Rubberneck at an accident on the opposite side of the road and I will have to ram you.

So, what say all of you? Have any helpful tips for Cousin J? Leave them in the comments and I'll pass them along to her.


Trukindog said...

Your rules
1) no no NO !
2)I think that's already an unwritten law.
3)Yeah that's the way it is but that son't make it right.
5)& 6) Hell yeah, if your not involved in it get your ass on down the road.

My rule
Yep only one

Anonymous said...

yellow light = HIT THE GAS!

Other than that, I think you've covered it.

Unknown said...

I thought this post was about the rules of the road.

::wiggle eyebrows::

My bad.

Avitable said...

I think you've covered it pretty well.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

The law of the Perimeter is Faster, Pussycat! If you go the speed limit you truly will be a pancake. I think your advice is spot on.

Patois42 said...

Use your blinkers as appropriate so people like me don't curse you when, had I known you were turning right, I would have been on my merry way and not late to pick up my kid at school.

Conversely, at 4 a.m. when no one's around and you've got to pee and you're running red lights and stop signs, feel free to disregard blinker usage.

Miss Britt said...

Eat your fries first. They get cold faster.

Anonymous said...

And now for the Pixie's #1 roadway pet peeve:

See that lane in the middle of a busy road that has arrows inside it aimed at the entrance to a local business establishment? It's called a TURNING LANE. By all means, if traffic is very busy, pull out of that business into that...we'll call it a "merging lane", and just keep your blinker on and keep edging on over into the near lane until someone is kind enough to take pity on your fucking ignorance and let you in.

Faiqa said...

Don't hesitate to scream obscenities at another driver in the comfort of your car even if the windows are rolled up. They can hear you. And they feel like jerks, too.

A Free Man said...

Drivers under the age of 21 in Australia have to have a big letter "P" on their car. I think it's kind of a warning to watch out for the teenage driver. If those are your rules of the road, I'm going to send you over a P sign for your car!

Anonymous said...

I have a rule I'd like to add: Remember that in the United States alone, every year about 37,000 people--about one every fifteen minutes, on average--die in traffic-related accidents.

So, drive like staying alive is more important than getting ahead of that jerk in the blue car, or trying to demonstrate to the guy in the red car what an asshole he is, or trying to get the slowpoke in front of you to speed up because you want to be doing 70 in the 55 MPH zone and he's only doing 60.

Seriously. Every year, 37,000 people die on the roads, and an awful lot of them would have lived if we all took driving with care, caution, and courteousy more seriously.

Avitable said...


Many accidents are caused by bad driving - people who drive too slowly, overreact to a situation, slam on their brakes unnecessarily, or do not have full control of their vehicle.

If you look at stats, accidents caused by speed are usually when the speeds are so high as to be unsafe, like 110 in a 50, not 70 in a 55.

If people learned how to drive, the roads would be much safer.

Anonymous said...


What you say is true. Please note, however, that I didn't necessarily implicate doing 70 in the 55 mile zone as an obvious hazard, what I wrote was "trying to get the slowpoke in front of you to speed up because you want to be doing 70 in the 55 MPH zone and he's only doing 60."

It's the impatience with other drivers whose driving habits are different than yours, and acting on that impatience by tailgating, doing sudden lane changes, passing under unsafe conditions, and racing by said other driver at 90 MPH while honking your horn and displaying an offensive digit, that I think is problematic.

It's not so much the speed as the flying into Road Rage mode when something inhibits your ability to do whatever speed you want to do that I'm objecting to.

(And by "you," of course, I mean the generic "a person," not you personally. You probably doing drive like this.)