07 January 2009


There I was, picking the twins up from school, first day back after the Christmas holiday and all was well. Until I was asked a simple question, by the twins' teacher, that brought me to my knees.

Ms. Lauren: Heather, do you have any nicknames for Miss-Miss?

Right then. Right there. I had a Bill Cosby moment. You know the moment, from Bill Cosby: Himself*:

Because of my father, I thought my name was Jesus Christ. "JESUS CHRIST!" And my brother Russell thought his name was Dammit. "DAMMIT, WILL YOU STOP ALL THAT NOISE?! AND JESUS CHRIST, SIT DOWN!" So one day, I'm out playin' in the rain, my father says, "DAMMIT, WILL YOU GET IN HERE?!" I said, "Dad! I'm Jesus Christ!"

Yeah, that moment. I paused, thought, raced through the last three years, thinking of the nicknames Miss-Miss could have come up with based on the crap that comes out of my mouth on a daily basis:

Miss-Miss Catherine!**
No, Ma'am!

And my personal favorite:
Holy. Mary. Mother of God!

Yeah. Can you just imagine it? My little curly-haired angel asking her teacher, Could you please call me "Holy Mary, Mother of God?" I am, after all, perfect!

So, I bucked up and calmly replied, Well, we call her Miss-Miss and her brothers call her Esha. It's a word Bubba made up when he was learning to talk and couldn't say "Sister." You know, twin babble.

And immediately, the light bulb went off above Miss Lauren's head and she began to explain how Miss-Miss demanded that they call her Esha all morning long.

And I climbed into the car, sighing with relief, knowing I had dodged a bullet, and secretly wondering if Ty-man thought his name was actually AREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGME?!?

My poor, long-suffering family...

*Fast forward to the 6 minute, 50 second mark.
** Yep, that's her middle name alright. Wanna know mine? *Snort!* You wish.


HEATHER said...

You know I had that audio cassette of Bill's. Wore it out! For my money that proves that you don't need filth and profanity to be funny.
I love that Esha is asserting herself. That is too funny.

Anonymous said...

Phew, that was a close one!

Esha, very cute. Max demanded that his stuffed lamb be treated like another student Monday. They got a kick out of it at least.

Oh, and he used to report back every day on the bad behavior of a kid named Kyle. After a couple of weeks, I finally asked There is no Kyle at school?!?

Anonymous said...

This post made me snort. Swear to god. Why? because my middle child, the three year old, is named sophia. She spent several months thinking her name was NO-PHIA!! Swear to God.

Oh, and you can tell that she's an angel based on that...right?

RiverPoet said...

I raised my kids with Bill Cosby's Himself as the background! Love that routine!!!! (And is it a coincidence that I loved his routines on LP when I was a kid??)

You so got off easy yesterday. I can only imagine the names my kids would have come out with if they had responded based on their Cosby names. My son would have answered to JEEZUSHCHRISTONAPOGOSTICK! And my daughter would have answered to OHMYGODWILLSHEEVERBEGROWNANDOUTOFMYHOUSE?

Thanks for the laugh!

Molly's Mom said...

Hilarious! I love that part of the Cosby routine...

Jessica said...

lol. the nickname i would have from my granny? JUSTGOTOHELL.

she usually says it while she laughs though..so that makes everything better..kinda..

Anonymous said...


I think my son probably thought his name was, "OMGDOUEVERSHUTUP???!!!!"

Miss Britt said...

"Could you please call me "Holy Mary, Mother of God?""


A Free Man said...

Thanks for that Cosby clip - I needed that! Zach may end up thinking his name is Dammit!

Willie G said...

I absolutely love Bill Cosby: Himself. Totally wore out a couple of video tapes watching a copy taped from HBO. I was so happy when it came out on DVD, although at this point I can pretty much quote the entire show.

Faiqa said...

So cute. "Esha" by the way is a popular Indian name. It means "desire." Did you know your kids were so multicultural? :-)