There I was, picking the twins up from school, first day back after the Christmas holiday and all was well. Until I was asked a simple question, by the twins' teacher, that brought me to my knees.
Ms. Lauren: Heather, do you have any nicknames for Miss-Miss?
Right then. Right there. I had a Bill Cosby moment. You know the moment, from Bill Cosby: Himself*:
Because of my father, I thought my name was Jesus Christ. "JESUS CHRIST!" And my brother Russell thought his name was Dammit. "DAMMIT, WILL YOU STOP ALL THAT NOISE?! AND JESUS CHRIST, SIT DOWN!" So one day, I'm out playin' in the rain, my father says, "DAMMIT, WILL YOU GET IN HERE?!" I said, "Dad! I'm Jesus Christ!"
Yeah, that moment. I paused, thought, raced through the last three years, thinking of the nicknames Miss-Miss could have come up with based on the crap that comes out of my mouth on a daily basis:
And my personal favorite:
Holy. Mary. Mother of God!
Yeah. Can you just imagine it? My little curly-haired angel asking her teacher, Could you please call me "Holy Mary, Mother of God?" I am, after all, perfect!
So, I bucked up and calmly replied, Well, we call her Miss-Miss and her brothers call her Esha. It's a word Bubba made up when he was learning to talk and couldn't say "Sister." You know, twin babble.
And immediately, the light bulb went off above Miss Lauren's head and she began to explain how Miss-Miss demanded that they call her Esha all morning long.
And I climbed into the car, sighing with relief, knowing I had dodged a bullet, and secretly wondering if Ty-man thought his name was actually AREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGME?!?
My poor, long-suffering family...
*Fast forward to the 6 minute, 50 second mark.
** Yep, that's her middle name alright. Wanna know mine? *Snort!* You wish.