05 May 2009

Open Letter 9

Dear Grocery Bagging Boy Who Is Supposed to Also Help Load My Groceries Into My Car:
Yeah, you. It's pouring rain outside, I have five huge cloth bags full to the brim with food (FULL, I tell you), and a fussy almost-two-year old who is screaming because I wouldn't let him sign his name on the credit card receipt.

Of course I want your assistance in the transferring of groceries from the cart to the car. And? When I unlock the car? And grab my kid to toss him into the car seat? And proceed to wrangle him into the five-point-NASCAR-certified-restraint-system? That's your cue to load it up. Not to stand there with your thumb up your ass and wait for me to come around to see if you're finished only to find that you're doing nothing except waiting for me to open the trunk. Oh, and? You're supposed to do the heavy-lifting while I watch from the driver's seat. Not you watch me, patiently waiting for the cart to be empty so that you can take as long as possible to mosey said empty cart back to the store thereby missing out on bagging the groceries of two other hapless customers.

Next time? Don't bother.

Love,
Frazzled, Damp Mom

Dear Purse Designers of the Universe and Greater 8th Dimension:
Not all of us SAHMs want purses that are:

- so large as to fit a wallet, iPhone, diaper kit, 9mm Glock, kitchen sink, and spare boyfriend.
- so shiny that the purse in effect becomes its own solar panel able to power a small one-bedroom apartment.
- so covered in buckles that you can loan out spares to most of the 9th battalion.
- so heavy that our shoulders instantly separate from our bodies in utter hopeless abandon.

Please, for the love of Kate Spade, just come up with a simple leather purse to hold a wallet, cell phone, sunglasses, Chapstick, and several Old Navy coupons.

That doesn't cost $500 or is covered in someone else's initials.

Much happiness,
Vera Bradley is Looking Better and Better Every Day

Dear HOA Vice President:
Yeah. That's right. I totally smacked your ass down yesterday. And when you drove by me and my kids while we were out for a walk? You wouldn't even look me in the eyes.

Who's da man?

Not. You.

Kisses and hugs,
Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker

14 comments:

HEATHER said...

You seriously don't need to know how many sets of Vera Bradley purses I own. Let's just say it's a lot! I have bought them for years due to the fact that they are made in the USA-near Ft. Wayne Indiana and they have a breast cancer pattern that they put out ever few years and donate to a research foundation.

sybil law said...

I am so glad you shot the man down, SAHM! :D

Molly's Mom said...

Ayyyyyymen to the purses! Maybe you should start designing some for REAL moms... : )

A Free Man said...

Do they still do the grocery bags to your car thing? Wow.

I can never find the right purse either...

;)

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

Our baggers don't bring the groceries to the car around here. They do in Aruba, though. Doesn't make sense. I would much rather have one here when the weather is nasty.

And I'm still searching for THAT purse. *sigh* If you find one, do share.

Bama Cheryl said...

If you live anywhere near Wegmans (NY state, some parts of Pennsylvania, Massachusetts and New Jersey) they have Helping Hands guys who willwalk out with you to load the groceries or you can drive up and they'll do it in front of the store. Wonderful stores, Wegmans.

And the fact that the bully couldn't look you in the eye says something very telling. He knows he's a bully. Good for you!

Robin said...

LOL! It took me a while to figure out the Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker thing, but I lurve it! You're lucky you live in the South where they even make the attempt to go out to the car with you. I can't remember the last time I had someone offer to help me out to the car... I can't wait to hear how the HOA story ends!

Trukindog said...

I stopped to get gas the other day, I went in to pre pay & there were 5 people standing in line, as I the 6th stood there waiting my turn a second clerk (a young girl)who had been smokin a cig. outside came CREEPING in walkin so slow she was almost backin up. By the time she got behind the counter the other clerck was helpin the 5th cust. & I stepped up to slowpokes reg., after givin her my money I looked her in the eye and said "next time theres a line of customers waiting for service you should try to walk a little slower so your coworker can do ALL THE WORK"!

LAZY ASS KIDS THESE DAYS !

Fantastagirl said...

If you find the right purse let me know...mine - not liking it at all.

as far as the bag boy not doing his job - I tell them to their face that they need to get their act together... and they know when they see me to just do it.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Oh. I have a 15-year-old cousin who would love to go "shopping" in your house!

Sybil Law - Hee hee! :) Looked him dead in the eye, I did!

Molly's Mom - Oh, I wish I had the time!

A Free Man - You need a man bag, baby!

MommyCosm - OK, that so doesn't make sense. You don't need baggers in Aruba. Unless you're about to miss the dive boat. Come to think of it, I don't remember Cultimara employees taking our groceries to the car in Bonaire. Humfph. Jealous now. :)

Bama Cheryl - Oh, wow. Must get Wegmans to open up a store in north-suburban Atlanta! MUST!

Robin - Oh, I should have a rockin' HOA story up by Friday! The meeting will be late Wednesday night. Friday, definitely!

Trukindog - Dude. Don't even get me started on the lazy-ass kids. Don't even. Good for you for confronting her!

Fantastagirl - Oh, if I find the purse I'll let you know!

Patois said...

North Face backpack. Perfect for anyone who's not a real girlie-girl. (My kids each got one as Christmas gifts in 2007. I'm working my way through the last one now.)

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Patois - I'll have to check that out. Thanks!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

You know he could FEEL the smirk you had on your face.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

NATUI - Oh, of course he could. And he's a coward.