Dear Grocery Bagging Boy Who Is Supposed to Also Help Load My Groceries Into My Car:
Yeah, you. It's pouring rain outside, I have five huge cloth bags full to the brim with food (FULL, I tell you), and a fussy almost-two-year old who is screaming because I wouldn't let him sign his name on the credit card receipt.
Of course I want your assistance in the transferring of groceries from the cart to the car. And? When I unlock the car? And grab my kid to toss him into the car seat? And proceed to wrangle him into the five-point-NASCAR-certified-restraint-system? That's your cue to load it up. Not to stand there with your thumb up your ass and wait for me to come around to see if you're finished only to find that you're doing nothing except waiting for me to open the trunk. Oh, and? You're supposed to do the heavy-lifting while I watch from the driver's seat. Not you watch me, patiently waiting for the cart to be empty so that you can take as long as possible to mosey said empty cart back to the store thereby missing out on bagging the groceries of two other hapless customers.
Next time? Don't bother.
Frazzled, Damp Mom
Dear Purse Designers of the Universe and Greater 8th Dimension:
Not all of us SAHMs want purses that are:
- so large as to fit a wallet, iPhone, diaper kit, 9mm Glock, kitchen sink, and spare boyfriend.
- so shiny that the purse in effect becomes its own solar panel able to power a small one-bedroom apartment.
- so covered in buckles that you can loan out spares to most of the 9th battalion.
- so heavy that our shoulders instantly separate from our bodies in utter hopeless abandon.
Please, for the love of Kate Spade, just come up with a simple leather purse to hold a wallet, cell phone, sunglasses, Chapstick, and several Old Navy coupons.
That doesn't cost $500 or is covered in someone else's initials.
Vera Bradley is Looking Better and Better Every Day
Dear HOA Vice President:
Yeah. That's right. I totally smacked your ass down yesterday. And when you drove by me and my kids while we were out for a walk? You wouldn't even look me in the eyes.
Who's da man?
Kisses and hugs,
Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker