25 June 2009

What? What Did You Say?

I'm pretty sure my kids are deaf.

And after extensive and exhaustive research (read: watching my three hooligans for 24/7 over the past almost-four years) I'm pretty sure 99.999999% of all children are deaf. I believe the onset of said deafness begins at about age two and continues through the adolescent and teen years, gradually becoming selective. Eventually, the female half of the species loses the deafness altogether at about age 18, coinciding with the exit from the familial nest, and regains all hearing in both ears. Male selective deafness continues throughout life, until he learns that sex will be withheld or until he is beaten to death by his wife.

How do I know this? Example 1:

Bubba. Time to brush your teeth.
Bubba continues playing with no indication of having heard me.
Bubba! Let's brush your teeth! Come on!

Bubba turns, having sensed vibrations coming from my general vicinity, but obviously senses no danger and continues crashing his trains.
BUBBA! BRUSH! TEETH! NOW!
Bubba turns, looks, takes two steps forward, then is stopped by the scary look on my face. Finally, I make a strangled, gurgling noise as I run screaming from the house. Bubba? Merely looks on, confused.

Example 2:

Miss-Miss. Take your plate to the sink, please.
Miss-Miss plays with her hair.
Honey, take your plate to the sink, 'kay? Please?
Still, with the hair.
MISS-MISS! PLATE! SINK! NOW!
Miss-Miss sighs with resignation, gets down from the table, and takes her toy cookie to the playroom. I? Begin mumbling to myself.

Eventually, we all know how to work around the deaf child. We just do it all ourselves. Then, once it becomes selective (doesn't hear Take out the garbage but hears Watch TV just fine), you can negotiate with video games or water parks or, you know, bodily harm. But after this milestone has been attained, the irreversible side-effects have already taken their toll on the mother:

Gray hair.
Permanent frown-lines.
Permanent scowl.
Constantly repeating herself and mumbling to no one in particular.
Random fits of eye-rolling and frustrated sighing.

Please, everyone, be aware of these side-effects and remember the effective treatment:

Liquor.
Banging one's head on a brick wall.
Chocolate.
Repeated showings of anything starring Jensen Ackles.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go color my gray, eat some Godiva, and mumble at the floor.

14 comments:

HEATHER said...

Try dealing with a five year old who hears nothing! Some days I just want to run away! Hang in there!

Molly's Mom said...

I smell a support group opportunity...who cares if we all live in different states? Just pick a place once a month and meet for a weekend!

Annie said...

This IS my life! I'm on the verge of a rest home - and we're only in the middle of June. Will August and all-day Kindergarden ever arrive?

Functionally ReTodded said...

I call that DIIS: Daddy Is Invisible Syndrome.

I have stood, no kidding here, less than 3 feet from my 7 and 3.5 year old and said 18 times in a row "Girls, it's time to go in for dinner," until finally I lose vision and scream "GIRLS!!!! IT'S!!! TIME!!! FOR!!! DINNER!!"

And they cry.

I spend the next half hour swearing to myself and threatening harm on myself and others.

Michele said...

Yes, Yes and Yes!!! And then the husband, who is also deaf, starts yelling because the children are not listening to HIM. Those are the times I pull up a chair and just watch. What goes around comes around...

Employee No. 3699 said...

Huh, did you say something?

Gypsy said...

At least the floor listens.

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

I SO feel your pain. My daughter has outgrown it. She's almost 7, so there is hope in the future. That is, if you allow them to live to 7. I'm not so sure my son is going to make it;)

Also, I'm prone to screaming and I hate being a screamer. So, I've issued a challenge to myself: If he doesn't respond after being told something 3 times, I need to change my delivery.

Beverly said...

I swear Stephen sounds like my grandfather Spencer 99.9% of the time. Stephen can you please do______________________? Nothing.
Stephen did you hear mommy? His answer, "HUH? WHAT DID YOU SAY? I DIDNT HEAR YOU!" Stephen go do___________________________.

"HUH? WHAT?!?!? HUH"

Pipper said...

This sums up my house perfectly!!! Absolutely perfectly!

sybil law said...

Yep.
Totally.
(mumbling...)

Trukindog said...

It's not selective deafness that continues throughout our lives it's just that once we hit puberty the constant thoughts of BOOBIES rarely lets anything else get through to our brains.

A Free Man said...

I though Zach just didn't know his name, but maybe there is a pandemic of childhood deafness going around.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Other Heather - Oh, ugh. Five years old. Can't wait. (Total sarcasm.)

Molly's Mom - Oh, dude. That is so very tempting! Would there be liquor involved?

Annie - Ugh. All-day, year-round school. HA!

Functionally ReTodded - Oh, don't even get me started on that! When you correct and correct and correct and then you yell and then they cry. It drives me nuts.

Michele - Hee hee! You're so right! It's all about sit back and watch the show. BTW? Sooooo glad you're blogging, fellow DZ!

Employee No. 3699 - Oh, don't even start, girl!

Gypsy - Sometimes? Not so much.

MommyCosm - I hate being a screamer, too. Most of the time, I either scream or get in their face. And neither of those is cool.

Beverly - Isn't it maddening?

Pipper - So glad to know I'm not alone!

Sybil Law - Mumble, mumble, mumble.

Trukindog - HA! That's an awesome explanation, hon! Hee hee!

A Free Man - It's totally a pandemic. And WHO has nooooo idea!