And Just Where The Hell Have You Been?

First, I'm all like What the frak? I've got another cold? And it's July? And I'm coughing so much that I'm keeping the Ty-man awake? And look! There's a lung on the floor! Look, kids, that's what a lung looks like! Holy crap! So the last week has been me experimenting with a variety of cough suppressants and Advil PM and still coughing like crazy but, wow, the hallucinations have been soooooo worth it.

And then there's been Dan Rather on a pogo stick! School starts in a month! I need to buy the twins' uniforms! NOW! I will not get stuck in the local uniform store, one week before the first day, behind 9,000 other pissed-off moms who are patiently waiting to check out with their selection of jumpers, khaki pants, and polo shirts but can't because little Miss Prissy-Pants wants a plaid bow to match her jumper, but they're out of plaid bows and she's all "Mooooo-om! I want a plaid bow! Give me one now!" and Mom's all like, "But Muffy, they don't have any more!" And you know as well as I do that rather than reason with the brat, Mom should tell her to shut the frak up and be happy with what she's got because there are 9,001 other mothers waiting to get their 50,000 kids plaid bows and those kids aren't ungrateful and by the way get your finger out of your nose little missy!

GAH!

And then I realized that I'm going to BlogHer! Next week! And, frak! Who's taking care of the kids? Ty-man! Is your mom coming here for four days or are the kids going to Suches? Do I need to pack for me or for me and three kids?!? And Ty-man's all like, STFU, woman! I've got important bus'ness. Like ISO-certification bus'ness. I got no time for your drama! Talk to the Facebook account!*

And speaking of BlogHer, I was all Britt! WTF are you wearing to BlogHer?!? And she's all Bitch, you're not paying me to be your personal stylist. Just wear what you're comfortable with!** And I'm all But I'm most comfortable in a wetsuit and a pair of Volos with a ScubaPro S600 down 60 feet on Rappel and since BlogHer isn't in the middle of the Caribbean, then I'm gonna look like a dork. So, I guess I'll just pack khakis and Old Navy t-shirts. Yo!

And lest we forget, ahem, MY PERIOD! Need I say more? Didn't think so. I swear my ugly mug will be back reading youse guys blogs next week. And doing my Kegels. You're welcome.

*Seriously. My husband has a Facebook account. He just set it up this week. And he's been so cute asking me about Facebook etiquette. I told him that it's perfectly acceptable to write "I'm on the couch, naked, eating Cheetos and watching Boston Legal" as his status update. He didn't believe me. Dang.

**She didn't say that. She was actually really nice and told me she'd send me a packing list. But, you know, that's not as dramatic as what I wrote above. Poetic license, people! Sheesh!