21 January 2010

Letting Go

It was several things that brought about this post. I'm standing at an intersection of many lines and it is right here, at this very moment, that has brought me to this epiphany.

Would you like to know who brought me here?
  1. LL Cool J
  2. a neighborhood bully
  3. Blogography Dave
  4. a Facebook/West Virginia friend from many years ago
What the hell do a rapper/movie/TV star, a bitter man, a blogger, and an acquaintance of old have in common?

Little. Ol'. Me.

You all know what I've gone through the last ten months with the HOA bully. As of 3PM this past Sunday, my term was up, two new board members were elected, I turned in my binder and keys, and I suddenly was no longer obligated to face this man or have any contact with him. As is my usual M.O., I stewed on the whole thing. I simmered over the fact that I never did get to punch him in the jaw or put flaming bags of dog poo on his front doorstep. I fantasized about the myriad of things I could do to make his life miserable and all I got in return was a headache and a foul mood.

Last month, LL Cool J tweeted the following:

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.

And that stopped me. Wow. I have allowed the HOA bully to squat in my brain for ten months. I let him come in, rolled out the red carpet, gave him the keys, showed him the refrigerator and my amygdala, and gave him free-reign to trash the joint. Me. All me.

I have a revenge book in which I've written four stories about four people I hate. Amazingly, just four. But still, four. Blogography Dave blogged about his Anarchy List:

A special list that you will act upon ONLY if going to jail or getting killed won't make much of a difference? A list filled with people, companies, or even places that deserve to be obliterated for the betterment of all society? A list so nasty that you'd be willing to give up your pacifist beliefs for the sweet, sweet taste of revenge?

So, yeah. I guess I have an Anarchy List, a list that once contained four people but now numbers five. Oh! I guess I can call mine the Death List 5! Hey, you didn't think I'd leave HOA bully out in the cold, did you? In the midst of all this self-induced angst, I unwittingly received an update on one of those on my Death List 5, the first to ever make the list. The daughter of this person posted an update about her mother on her Facebook wall and the update wasn't good. Lots of medical problems, in and out of the hospital, and I realized at that moment that the first is getting old. I lost my anger for her a long time ago and when I saw her daughter's update, I didn't feel anger or even satisfaction. I felt pity. And that's when I figured it all out.

Time deals the final hand to the people on all of our Anarchy/Death/Revenge Lists.

Huh. I didn't need to stew. I didn't need to give those five people the keys to my emotions. I didn't need to do a damned thing. Time takes care of us all. I'm pretty sure I'm on someone else's Anarchy List and guess what? Whoever you are? No need to roll my house/cut my brake lines/hack my blog with naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine. I'm going to die, all on my own, without your assistance.

So, I've decided that my Death List 5 now becomes my Who Cares 5. Who Cares? I don't. And I'm going to live without you five constantly rattling around in my brain.

So get the fuck out.

12 comments:

HEATHER said...

I am a firm believer in Karma. No one gets out of this world alive-we all get it in the end. So I'm glad you came to that conclusion! BTW-LL Cool J stole that from Dr. Phil.

Dave2 said...

Errr... happy I could... help?

:-)

Tuli said...

Congrats on your retirement from HOA! Woo! When you go on your trip, have a HUGE fruity drink served in a pineapple to celebrate the end. I'm so glad you don't have the stress of dealing with the AssMunch Bully any more.

And that you can let the resentment go? Rocks.

hello haha narf said...

fuck yeah!! no one should give you an ulcer, headache or high blood pressure. who cares 5 for the win!

love to you, oh wonderful woman.

sybil law said...

While I agree in theory, I am still waiting for time, or karma to kick some peoples' asses. Until then, they are on my list. :)
But I am so happy you've reached that point.

Finn said...

LL Cool J has the best tweets. More than one have given me pause, but that one is one of my faves.

Who Cares is absolutely the right attitude. Holding on to all that hate only hurts you. We forgive for ourselves, not for the other person. If we can't forgive we should just forget!

LceeL said...

You see? There comes a time in all our lives when we finally realize it. Life is too frigging short. There is too much good shit to do and enjoy to waste time with the nasty stuff.

You are such a gloriously sweet, nice, warm person. Let it all hang out. Be who you really are. The sweetheart.

pipper said...

One of the best posts that I have ever read. Ever. I'm saving this and going to reread it. A lot.

Thanks for sharing this.

Blondefabulous said...

Hells yeah!

A Free Man said...

As bizarre as it seems to write this - LL Cool J is a wise man. Resentments don't get you anything but trouble.

Muskrat said...

I'm honored that you call me LL Cool M.

I need love.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Ohh. Give me some of what you're smoking because I need an attitude adjustment. Happy retirement, hon!