Writer's Note: Yeah, yeah. Cats can't talk. But if mine did? This is pretty much what he'd be saying.
Andy: Mom? We need to talk.
Me: What about, hon?
Andy: See, I'm the oldest kid and even though I'm furry, walk on four legs, and am the equivalent of a 62-year-old human (Which, by the way, I'm still waiting for my Just-For-Cats, a convertible Corvette, and a trophy wife even though my parts don't work but, no rush. Just, you know, before I die.) I would really like to live out the rest of my life without the hairless monkey brats.
Me: Now, Andy. They're not brats.
Andy: Whining BUT THEY ARE! And I don't like them. They scream my name and chase me around the house.
Me: You're over-exaggerating. They don't chase you around the house. You run too fast for them. They chase you for two feet and you're already halfway to Vegas.
Andy: Whatever. I've taken the liberty of calling the local no-kill shelter. They said you could drop the monkeys off tomorrow afternoon.
Me: WHAT?!? I'm not dropping my children off at a no-kill shelter! You are out of your damned mind!
Andy: Me?!? I'm not crazy. You're the one who pushed kids out of her... you know... then proceeded to allow them to latch on to her... you know... and listen to them squall and fuss for over four years! GAH! Just promise me you won't miss that appointment I made for you at the vet.
Me: What appointment?
Andy: To have you fixed.
Me: ANDREW!!!!!!
Andy: Running to Vegas. Nothing left but a puff of fur.
Who Am I?
- Coal Miner's Granddaughter
- I am the 40-ish granddaughter of Frank (see header), a fiddle-playing coal miner from West Virginia. I was born and raised in said state and have lived in Georgia since 1994. I have a wonderful husband, three beautiful kids, one cranky cat, and one anxiety-ridden dog.
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Confessions of a Coal Miner's Granddaughter by Coal Miner's Granddaughter is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.
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6 comments:
Just be thankful he speaks to you at all. You know how they are.
Reminds me of my 10-year-old with our dog. She (daughter, not dog) tries to hold the dog in her lap and then when the dog keeps trying to get away, complains that the dog doesn't like her. No matter how many times I try to explain to her that it's because she's always trying to hold the dog against its will, she doesn't accept it and just gets upset. Did I mention that she's 10?
After being woken up at 5:30 for like the 17th morning in a row, I'd like to drop my younger son off at a no kill shelter. Can you give me the address?
I guess I'd go for the no-kill. 99 out of 100 days.
Avitable - Don't encourage him.
Sybil Law - I think many of the world's cats would agree with Andy.
Finn - Don't I know it!
Ren - You've got to love kids. Mine get their feelings hurt when Andy runs away. Then they shove markers up their noses.
A Free Man - Just bring him over here. :)
Patois - Honey, there are days.
My cat speaks to me too. This morning she said, "You know, it would be nice if we had some damn water in our dish!" Then she waited for everyone else to drink it before she drank some herself. That's pretty damn humane, if you ask me.
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