20 April 2010

Don't I Wish

Writer's Note: This post deals with my new job with the Georgia Mafia family business. At said business, my mom is the Administrative Assistant and answers the phones. Sometimes, I wish she didn't have a filter. You can guess which part of this conversation is fake, cause I ain't tellin' you jack.

Mom: Hello?

JW: Yes. My name is John Whatshisnads and I'm calling to speak with Heather Doofus.

Mom: Heather Doofus isn't in right now. Would you like to leave a message?

JW: Yeah. I'm following up with her regarding my job application for the position of fluffer*. I have a question. Is there actually a Heather Doofus at your company?

Mom: 'Scuse me?

JW: Because I've listened to your company telephone directory and Heather Doofus isn't listed. Does she even exist?

Mom: Does Heather Doofus exist? Let's see. Does she exist. Well, at around 4PM on February 5th back in 1972, I went into labor. My husband took me to the hospital and I stayed up all night. In labor. LOTS of pain. Not happy and nothing happened. My water broke but my cervix refused to dilate. So at about 5 AM, the head nurse walked in and said, 'Well missy! Let's get you going so you won't need a C-section!' At the critical moment, we realized that Heather Doofus, the person you don't think exists, was coming out of my vagina BUTT FIRST! Yes, this nonexistent person was folded in half, trying to squeeze her way out of my body. And I refused a saddle block and ether because I didn't want to be sick. I was all about the hardcore-no drugs thing. Finally, at 8:35 AM on February 6th, Heather Doofus was born. All 8 pounds and 14 ounces of her. Folded up. Pushed out of my vajay-jay. So, Yes, she exists.**

JW: *Click*

*OMG. Seriously. We're not a porn company. I swear.

**Yes. Mom is still employed.

18 comments:

HEATHER said...

Thank you so much for the laugh!! So funny!

Dave2 said...

I would like to meet this Heather Doofus. Anybody who could survive such a tragedy could teach me a lot about life.

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

OK, this isn't really a bad thing. She's just weeding out the weaklings. If he couldn't handle that, he really, really shouldn't be around you working all day. Right?

sybil law said...

Hahahahahahahahahah!!!
Fluffer.
:)

LceeL said...

I think I love your Mother.

Finn said...

So Heather does exist, but does she work for the company?

Little Mrs. Jonesss said...

Regardless of whether you are real or not (and thank goodness you are, or I would have to be in therapy for having an extreme case of imaginary friend!) he should totally show some respect and not be an ungrateful little bastard! He does want a job doesn't he?

Avitable said...

Do you personally have to have excellent fluffing skills in order to hire a good fluffer? Inquiring minds need to know!

Titanium said...

This is a laugh I seriously NEEDED today. Awesomeness. Your mom is hilarious.

Hilly said...

I think I'm more than just a little bit smitten with your Momma!

Miss Britt said...

Ouch. Your poor, poor Mom.

Patois said...

It's a family business. Of course mom is still employed.

Not Afraid To Use It said...

OMG that is SO AWESOME!! Now that's a story that will be repeated at many future Xmas parties!

DutchBitch said...

* SNOORRTTT *

OMG that was funny! I want to meet your Mom someday!

coalminer said...

i lol'd


haha

Name: Destiny said...

Nothing like the words of a mother.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I think I love your mother...

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I didn't mean to copy Lou. Total coincidence. Freaky...