JW: Yes. My name is John Whatshisnads and I'm calling to speak with Heather Doofus.
Mom: Heather Doofus isn't in right now. Would you like to leave a message?
JW: Yeah. I'm following up with her regarding my job application for the position of fluffer*. I have a question. Is there actually a Heather Doofus at your company?
Mom: 'Scuse me?
JW: Because I've listened to your company telephone directory and Heather Doofus isn't listed. Does she even exist?
Mom: Does Heather Doofus exist? Let's see. Does she exist. Well, at around 4PM on February 5th back in 1972, I went into labor. My husband took me to the hospital and I stayed up all night. In labor. LOTS of pain. Not happy and nothing happened. My water broke but my cervix refused to dilate. So at about 5 AM, the head nurse walked in and said, 'Well missy! Let's get you going so you won't need a C-section!' At the critical moment, we realized that Heather Doofus, the person you don't think exists, was coming out of my vagina BUTT FIRST! Yes, this nonexistent person was folded in half, trying to squeeze her way out of my body. And I refused a saddle block and ether because I didn't want to be sick. I was all about the hardcore-no drugs thing. Finally, at 8:35 AM on February 6th, Heather Doofus was born. All 8 pounds and 14 ounces of her. Folded up. Pushed out of my vajay-jay. So, Yes, she exists.**
*OMG. Seriously. We're not a porn company. I swear.
**Yes. Mom is still employed.