THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS
You guys know about our new dog, right?
Did you know that dogs eat anything? And when I say anything I mean anything/everything/ZOMG they'll eat that?!?
I did not know this, but I do now.
Picture it. I was in my kitchen, loading up the advent calendar with treats for the kids. The house was quiet, kids were at school... and I heard a noise. It sounded sort of wet and crunchy and it was coming from behind me. I looked but there was nothing behind me that could make that noise. Huh.
So I kept working. And I kept hearing it. The sound of something being eaten. After five minutes (Nope. I'm not really bright before noon.) of looking for the source of the crunching I found Macy in the kids' playroom. At first, I thought she had discovered a powdered doughnut one of the kids may have dropped. And then I realized what was going on.
She had eaten almost all of a starfish Christmas ornament that had hung on the kids' Christmas tree. It was an actual dried starfish I purchased in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and said starfish was painted with a snowy-white paint that had a faint glitter finish. Girlfriend had feasted on this dead animal with a FULL BOWL of food just a few feet away.
First I was all O_o. And then I was all GUH! MAAAA-AAACEEEEEE!!!!! And then I was all Where's that frakking vet's phone number?!?
Vet: Animal Hospital of Boondocks Atlanta! How may we help you?
Me: MY. DOG. JUST. ATE. A. STAAAARRRRFISH!
Me: Yeah. I know! It was an ornament on my kids' tree! AND SHE ATE IT!
Vet: A real starfish?
Me: Damn skippy.
Vet: Hold on... OK. The doctor wants to know where you got the starfish from.
Me: South Carolina.
Vet: But, is the starfish from South Carolina or was it marked "Made in China"?
Me: Nope. Nothing. Why?
Vet: Starfish from Asia can contain a toxin that can cause paralysis.
Me: No shit! Even when it's dried and several years old?
Me: Fucking China.
Vet: You need to bring her in for an X-ray to make sure she chewed up the starfish. If there are big, sharp chunks, we'll need to operate to get those out.
Me: Uh.... What if I don't.
Vet: Just watch her for vomiting and diarrhea and then bring her in.
Me: Yeah. We'll be there in five.
The X-ray revealed that the starfish had been well-chewed and our dog had to devour four cans of sticky, wet, smelly high-fiber canned food to coat the starfish and force her to poop. A bunch.
I'm still waiting for this monster poop. You may see headlines about "Suburban Atlanta Dog and Owner Buried In Mound Of Crap."
What went through Macy's mind yesterday?
Ooooo! Yummeh star-thingy!
I LIKE this yummeh star-thingy!
Why is the tall lady yelling my name?!?
Hide under the big bed!
OH! We're going for a ride! GOODY!
Looky! I get yummeh stinky food! LOTS of yummeh stinky food!
That was fun! I need to eat more yummeh star-thingys! I get to ride in the car and eat stinky food! I LOVE MY NEW LIFE!
What have I learned? Don't hang dead bodies on the Christmas tree.
What did Macy learn? Not a damned thing.