30 November 2011

Never Hang a Dead Body on Your Christmas Tree

OR

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS


You guys know about our new dog, right?

Did you know that dogs eat anything? And when I say anything I mean anything/everything/ZOMG they'll eat that?!?

I did not know this, but I do now.

Picture it. I was in my kitchen, loading up the advent calendar with treats for the kids. The house was quiet, kids were at school... and I heard a noise. It sounded sort of wet and crunchy and it was coming from behind me. I looked but there was nothing behind me that could make that noise. Huh.

So I kept working. And I kept hearing it. The sound of something being eaten. After five minutes (Nope. I'm not really bright before noon.) of looking for the source of the crunching I found Macy in the kids' playroom. At first, I thought she had discovered a powdered doughnut one of the kids may have dropped. And then I realized what was going on.

She had eaten almost all of a starfish Christmas ornament that had hung on the kids' Christmas tree. It was an actual dried starfish I purchased in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and said starfish was painted with a snowy-white paint that had a faint glitter finish. Girlfriend had feasted on this dead animal with a FULL BOWL of food just a few feet away.

First I was all O_o. And then I was all GUH! MAAAA-AAACEEEEEE!!!!! And then I was all Where's that frakking vet's phone number?!?

Actual conversation:

Vet: Animal Hospital of Boondocks Atlanta! How may we help you?
Me: MY. DOG. JUST. ATE. A. STAAAARRRRFISH!
Vet: Um.
Me: Yeah. I know! It was an ornament on my kids' tree! AND SHE ATE IT!
Vet: A real starfish?
Me: Damn skippy.
Vet: Hold on... OK. The doctor wants to know where you got the starfish from.
Me: South Carolina.
Vet: But, is the starfish from South Carolina or was it marked "Made in China"?
Me: Nope. Nothing. Why?
Vet: Starfish from Asia can contain a toxin that can cause paralysis.
Me: No shit! Even when it's dried and several years old?
Vet: Yep.
Me: Fucking China.
Vet: You need to bring her in for an X-ray to make sure she chewed up the starfish. If there are big, sharp chunks, we'll need to operate to get those out.
Me: Uh.... What if I don't.
Vet: Just watch her for vomiting and diarrhea and then bring her in.
Me: Yeah. We'll be there in five.

The X-ray revealed that the starfish had been well-chewed and our dog had to devour four cans of sticky, wet, smelly high-fiber canned food to coat the starfish and force her to poop. A bunch.

I'm still waiting for this monster poop. You may see headlines about "Suburban Atlanta Dog and Owner Buried In Mound Of Crap."

What went through Macy's mind yesterday?

Ooooo! Yummeh star-thingy!
I LIKE this yummeh star-thingy!

Why is the tall lady yelling my name?!?

Hide under the big bed!

OH! We're going for a ride! GOODY!

Looky! I get yummeh stinky food!
LOTS of yummeh stinky food!
That was fun! I need to eat more yummeh star-thingys!
I get to ride in the car and eat stinky food! I LOVE MY NEW LIFE!

What have I learned? Don't hang dead bodies on the Christmas tree.

What did Macy learn? Not a damned thing.

8 comments:

Dave2 said...

Bad dog. BAD DOGGY!!!

sybil law said...

Hahahaha! Oh I think that dog will eat worse than just that starfish, like toys, shoes, and maybe even one of those big chunky magnets, like our old dog did.

Muskrat said...

My thought was just like yours: fucking China.

LceeL said...

Darn DAWG. They never do learn, do they.

Annie said...

Welcome to dog ownership! May that be the worst of her dining delights.

HEATHER said...

Well, my Maizie girl once chewed up a light bulb and my mom's upper plate.

hello haha narf said...

FUCKING CHINA!

(oh heather, i laughed so hard at this. but i promise it was only at your brilliant retelling and not the actual events.)

BYO Swing Set said...

Thanks for the chuckle.