25 March 2008

CMG Imponderables, Part 1

OK, so I usually do my best thinking in either the shower or on the john. I used to do some great thinking while nursing the kids, but since those days are long gone, I no longer have deep thoughts on the couch at 2AM, with infomercials, and a suckling baby. Nowadays, I catch my deep thinking whenever I can, in the short bursts of privacy during kid naps, peeing, or in between reading the same Little Bear book for the 90th time.

So, I give you today what I hope to be a long and grand tradition here at CofaCMG.

My Imponderables!
(Just imagine James Earl Jones spoke that line in a booming voice with some echo effects. Yeah!)

Imponderable #1: Why does my low-water volume toilet clog after I empty out my colon? Seriously? Every damned time I go to use the john, no toilet paper, nothing in the toilet but my own poo, the stupid piece of crap (ironic name, huh?) clogs up and there I am, nasty, dirty butt, pants around my ankles, cussing up a storm, trying to unclog the toilet, gagging because bits of poo are clinging to the plunger. Finally, toilet is unclogged. I sit back down to do my business, using only three sheets of toilet paper to wipe, flushing again and realizing the toilet is clogged again. Seriously. It takes me a damned hour just to use the john. Why oh why do we have these toilets that supposedly save water when they really don't because you flush 20 bits of toilet paper 20 times in order to keep the crapper from clogging?

(Well. Heh-em.)

Imponderable #2: Why do my kids ignore me throughout the day, only to come flying in, from all directions, when they sense the telephone is in my hands? I'm not even talking yet, the other party has not even picked up their end of the line, and already Bubba is asking where his Marlin toy is, Miss-Miss is wailing over an imagined ow-ee, and J-man has decided to crawl up my leg and sink his teeth into my thigh. Are you kidding me?!?

Imponderable #3: Why is Sean Connery so damned good-looking? I mean, the man is 77-years-old. He was born a year before my father, for chrissake. I certainly wouldn't go down to the local retirement community and pick up a 77-year-old man who is looking for action with a young-un like me. In fact I would probably beat his ass if he tried anything. But if Sean Connery knocked on my door! Buh-bye Ty-man! It's been lovely, but I've gotta go.

Imponderable #4: Why do we all hate our voices? I'm not talking about what you sound like to yourself. I'm talking about what you sound like on your answering machine, your wedding video, and in my case, on my latest duet song with Fab. Seriously? I just spent an hour laying down vocal tracks (Damn! Don't I sound all recording industry now? "Laying down vocal tracks." I'll never be able to live with myself.) to I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow for Fab's next Big Honking Duet Show and I sound horrible! The second that doctor pulled me out, smacked me on my butt, and heard me cry, he should have ordered larynx-adjustment surgery. Seriously. Blech.

And on that note, I must begin to warn you of said duet show:

Fab has convinced a bunch of us bloggers to sing with him
again. OK, maybe convince is the wrong word. Blackmail. Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. If you're looking for something to do on Sunday, April 6th, I highly recommend you mosey on over to Pointless Drivel Live, for a most excellent show of 18 bloggers singing it up with the Fab-man himself. It's going to be a rockin' good time! So, mark your calendars and, fear not, I shall remind you again.


B'zPlace said...

I seriously have wondered why the toilet clogs up every time I take a crapper, too. And why is it that we dont notice there's no tp until AFTER we've done our business, and then there's no one within earshot to get another roll.
And yeah, it's me from Bzplace. I changed my email and it made me change my blogger name, too. I have no idea what that's all about, but, yeah, it's me. :) Brenda

RiverPoet said...

I love "Man of Constant Sorrow" because I love, love , love that movie "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" Great flick!

He's not my husband.


I am with you on Sean Connery. Some men just age like fine wine. And I'm not talking just complex and fruity, I'm talking smooth, yummy, and intoxicating as hell. I chose my son's name because of Sean Connery. Why can't we all age like that?

Nice post. I may have to tune in to hear what you sound like in that duet. I'm hard on myself about singing, too, but it's fun.

Peace - D

Avitable said...

We have the awesome old-school toilets in our house and if they break, I'm buying one on the black market. I refuse to get that low flow shit.

And I love the sound of my own voice.

Anonymous said...

#1. Don't have one of those toilets and when we remodel the bathroom in about a month, I definitely will not be buying one now.

#2. My kids still bug me when I'm on the phone...and they're in their twenties!

#3. OMG. I, too, love Sean Connery and my dad is also 76.

#4. Though I hate my voice, I have learned to win at "Sing Star".

Love your blog and thanks for sharing.


Donna said...

So . . . what you're saying is . . . it's not just me.
We call our son Bubba too, and I've been wondering the mental and social ramifications on that one, but I'm glad I'm not the only intelligent mom out there to succumb to such hillbilly roots (even if by accident).
And the toilet thing? yeah, not too keen on the idea of me painting that same picture. I hold the handle down so there's more like a cup of water instead of a spit's worth in the bowl. It seems to help.

Ok, Where Was I? said...

Hilarious. Can't believe you said "bits of poo are clinging to the plunger."

I also hate my voice, which i realize was your point--we all do. But yes, I do. I cringe on home videos. I'm thinking of getting a stand in to do my lines.

And Sean Connery is so do-able! If he does knock on your door, please share!

The Ferryman said...

Very nice pimpage! My love for you grows by leaps and bounds.

But the picture you paint for your first imponderable has ruined for me any sexual fantasies I might have conjured up for us...

Gypsy said...

Suggestion: Keep a bottle of dish detergent in the john, and squirt a little down in the bowl. It lubes up the works.

Also? I kinda love my voice. Hate my thighs and belly, love my voice. There's gotta be something I like about myself, right?

And Sean Connery was mine first, whore! Back off!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Why the fuck didn't I know you could sing? Sigh. A day late and a dollar short as always.

As for the phone/kids thing, case in point: LittleMan took the most GIGANTIC shit in his drawers while you and I were talking on the phone this morning. He was weary a groovy cover that doesn't fit really well, so there was shit everywhere. So there I am at the sink LITERALLY up to my elbows in shit as I scrubbed off the cover, doubler, and liner. I was on the bluetooth with my mom and I couldn't get LittleBird to leave me the fuck alone. If I had not had fecal matter under my nails and on every exposed inch of my arms I would have physically thrown her out of the bathroom. Just be quiet for two fucking seconds!!! I love you more that the air I breathe, but shut the fuck up so I can hear myself think.aqmzje

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

BJ - Yeah! I'm glad it's you, hon! I was wondering... stupid Blogger. I've gotten so that I keep a spare roll on the back of the john and I ALWAYS check in the public johns before I sit down.

Momma - Well, then, you'll just have to listen to the show, girlfriend! And Sean Connery has some seriously good genes. *Sigh*

Avitable - Dude, I might have to get the black market hook up... And of course you love your voice. You also love your toes. Ish.

Linda - Glad you stopped by, hon! :-)

Donna - Oh, hon, it's all of us! You know, I always considered Bubba to be the southern word for "brother" so whenever we would talk to Miss-Miss about her brother, we would call him Bubba, easier to pronounce than brother. And, it stuck as his nickname.

OK, Where Was I? - Oh, hell, yeah I said it! And I'll share Sean if you share James...

Fab - Oh, hon, I'm all about pimping! And sorry for ruining your fantasies...

Gypsy - Ooooo, dish detergent. I'll have to try that. And? Death match? For Sean? You just name the time and place, baby! :-)

NATUI - Oh, sweetie. I can't sing. I just sing for Fab and his listeners. SCARY! And LMFAO! You sound like me! That's just too funny! About LittleBird. Not about the shit...

Jenn said...

I too ponder some fo the VERY SAME THINGS!!

I also wonder where the single socks REALLY go...

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Jenn - Now that is a question for the ages.

.:| Melissa.Mizladytaz |:. said...

From what I've heard, those low flows don't really save any water, instead they use more. For the exact reason you spoke of! Gimme old school thrones. Pweeze!

Kids. They got some mighty ESP goin on! I tell you what! NEVER failed. EVER! I can't tell you how many times I told mine, that unless someone is bleeding and just short of death, do NOT bug me when I'm on the phone! Yea, they didn't listen. I'm SO glad they're grown now! LOL Though, I do have one at home, who's 24, and he STILL has (as does hubby) a need to come in and ask me stupid questions, when I'm on the phone! *sigh* Guess they never really grow out of it?

Sean Connery ... *drools* I have been in lust with that man for MANY years now! The older he gets, the more yummay he gets! mmmmmmmmmm And he's OLDER than my dad, who's 67 now.

Never really recorded myself singing. But I know that when I hear my speaking voice, I don't think it sounds at all like me!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Melissa - Oh, they're horrible! Those toilets are the bane of humanity! And don't tell me they never grow out of it... I may just move out!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Here is another one for you: why do the kids scream bloody fucking murder when you are talking to friends on the phone but are quiet as church mice when a solicitor calls? Unbelievable.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

NATUI - Jesus. You've got me. I've been trying to ask that friggin' question for almost three years now...