Kentucky Borderline*

ConFab, Baby? Awesome. Me? Spent.

Allow me to elaborate via random bullet points:

• First? Fab and Turnbaby have a beautiful home. And the room in their basement that houses the air hockey table? Has a particularly comfortable floor. My foam pad and Eddie Bauer sleeping bag were quite happy in there. As was I.
  

• I enjoyed talking to everyone I met over the weekend. I only knew a small handful of people before going and I worried there might be one or two in the bunch I didn't know who would end up driving me nuts or whom I would drive bonkers. Not even. Everyone was gracious and talkative and friendly and made my job as "blogger who knows abso-frakking-lutely no one" a lot easier.

• Fab and Turnbaby are the most gracious host and hostess I've ever met.

• When the nice Asian lady asks if you want flowers on your big toes? Do it. Especially if you pick black as your color. Makes your toes go from "Goth" to "OH! They're so CUTE!"

• Fab, you must, MUST, MUST wear the Mickey Mouse ears. Every day. Forever. Seriously.

• Hilly, Britt, and Becky may not all be named Heather, but they are more Heather than me, the obvious, plain, too-quiet Veronica of the group. But they welcomed me anyway! You ladies made my weekend!
  

• Turnbaby, you're even more beautiful in person.
  

• Adam. Dave. Guys. What more can I say? Mwha!!!

• It's because of you Fab that my love of moonshine has returned full-force. Must find a Georgia supplier...
  

• The black dye stains on my hands? A badge of honor. Loved every second of it.

• Turnbaby's tenderloin. Mmmmmm.....
  

• Shelli, Laci-Loo, Bubblewench, John, Lynda, Janelle, Kim, Karl, Metal Mom, Marty, Shiny, Sybil Law, and everyone else whom I can't remember off the top of my head at 11:39PM? Had a great time meeting every single one of you and hanging out.

• Um, Fab? Your flamingos were humping. You may have babies soon. I'm just sayin':

• It really sucks driving back home, six hours, with a migraine. I'm not kidding. Full-on light and sound sensitivity and nausea. I stopped in Lenoir City, TN, downed two Aleve, a gallon of iced tea, and about five biscuits sopping with honey. I managed to go from Athena trying to break loose from my brain to a dull thud. Ladies? We soooo shouldn't have talked about migraines just the day before.

• And finally? It is completely possible to karaoke Baby Got Back. As a white stay-at-home-mom. And while completely sober.

Brad? Liz? The weekend was amazing and unforgettable. I will cherish my shot glass (and its faint smell of hooch), my photos, my memories, and especially my friendship with the both of you. ConFab, Baby RAWKED!

*An awesome bluegrass song by the even more awesome Rhonda Vincent.

Hi! You've Reached CofaCMGD!

We're sorry she can't come to the phone right now, but her kids have begun their 10-day stay in the north Georgia mountains with their grandparents, her Ty-man is at Lowe's picking out carpet for the basement, wax for the hardwood floor, spackle, paint, blah, blah, and Heather? Well, she's off on a drunken blogger week-end karaoke spree in Lexington, Kentucky.

Otherwise known as ConFab, Baby!

Please leave a message and she'll return your call when the lyrics from the following song finally get out of her head.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Whew!

Ever had one of those days? Weeks?

I am.

I'm uninspired, unmotivated, and just generally untied.

I've been occupied with trying out a new template for my blog. I've been practicing here. Please, no comments. It's a work in progress.

The news coming from Texas regarding the FLDS families and their separation from their children has me unsettled. I want the authorities to make sure there has been no abuse but at the same time the agony those mothers and children must be going through cuts me to the bone. Then? Friday's episode of Battlestar Gallactica left me freaked. Cally (wife of one of the final five cylons, Galen) finds out Galen is a cylon and decides to shoot herself and her son Nicholas out an airlock. She doesn't do it (a cylon tricks her and Cally goes out the airlock without her son - ish), but that she was thinking of hurting her child upset me. Then? Reading this post? About a mother being separated from her son by a drunkard piece-of-shit? It got to me, too.

Needless to say, I've had "forcible separation from my kids" anxiety all weekend. How did I fix it? I listened to my iPod while weeding my jungle of a front yard.

So, to bring back some creativity to CofaCMG (and to continue with the theft of ideas from other bloggers), I'm asking you to ask me.

No, actually, I'm telling you to ask me. I want you guys to ask me questions. I need you to. Easy, hard, stupid, intelligent, uncomfortable, funny, whatever. Ask what you want to ask. Ask more that one question. Just do it and I'll begin answering on Monday. 'Kay?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, and? Tonight? It's me and the Fab man*. On his talk radio show. Just click here at 7PM 'cause I'll be there. We'll be discussing Oprah and her cult of personality, the unified field theory, Obama vs. Hillary.... yeah, whateva. We'll probably talk about penis bracelets, how to pee without the caller on the other end of the phone hearing you, and jawbone zits.

Seriously. Check it out!

* NATUI? Saw your post on alcoholic beverages. Loved the whole "hover over the word and see a text description." So? Stole it. All about the theft. Thanks, hon! Love you!

She's Baaaaaaack!

Oh, yeah. I'm back and attempting to adjust to the fact that I'm once again on land, that the house isn't rocking, it's just me, that I'm nowhere near a large body of saltwater, and that my scuba gear still smells, well, funky.

Not just funky, but fonkay!

And? I'm not quite ready to blog about my adventures in the great, big blue. I'm too busy playing with the kids and smooching the Ty-man to write anything decent.

I'll be ready tomorrow.

Until then don't forget that tonight's the night!

Just click on the above graphic, just a little before 6PM tonight, and prepare yourself for two solid hours of Fab and 18 blogger buddies crooning (not all at once, thankfully) to a bunch of hits and misses! Check it out!

CMG Imponderables, Part 1

OK, so I usually do my best thinking in either the shower or on the john. I used to do some great thinking while nursing the kids, but since those days are long gone, I no longer have deep thoughts on the couch at 2AM, with infomercials, and a suckling baby. Nowadays, I catch my deep thinking whenever I can, in the short bursts of privacy during kid naps, peeing, or in between reading the same Little Bear book for the 90^th time.

So, I give you today what I hope to be a long and grand tradition here at CofaCMG.

My Imponderables!
(Just imagine James Earl Jones spoke that line in a booming voice with some echo effects. Yeah!)

Imponderable #1: Why does my low-water volume toilet clog after I empty out my colon? Seriously? Every damned time I go to use the john, no toilet paper, nothing in the toilet but my own poo, the stupid piece of crap (ironic name, huh?) clogs up and there I am, nasty, dirty butt, pants around my ankles, cussing up a storm, trying to unclog the toilet, gagging because bits of poo are clinging to the plunger. Finally, toilet is unclogged. I sit back down to do my business, using only three sheets of toilet paper to wipe, flushing again and realizing the toilet is clogged again. Seriously. It takes me a damned hour just to use the john. Why oh why do we have these toilets that supposedly save water when they really don't because you flush 20 bits of toilet paper 20 times in order to keep the crapper from clogging?

(Well. Heh-em.)

Imponderable #2: Why do my kids ignore me throughout the day, only to come flying in, from all directions, when they sense the telephone is in my hands? I'm not even talking yet, the other party has not even picked up their end of the line, and already Bubba is asking where his Marlin toy is, Miss-Miss is wailing over an imagined ow-ee, and J-man has decided to crawl up my leg and sink his teeth into my thigh. Are you kidding me?!?

Imponderable #3: Why is Sean Connery so damned good-looking? I mean, the man is 77-years-old. He was born a year before my father, for chrissake. I certainly wouldn't go down to the local retirement community and pick up a 77-year-old man who is looking for action with a young-un like me. In fact I would probably beat his ass if he tried anything. But if Sean Connery knocked on my door! Buh-bye Ty-man! It's been lovely, but I've gotta go.

Imponderable #4: Why do we all hate our voices? I'm not talking about what you sound like to yourself. I'm talking about what you sound like on your answering machine, your wedding video, and in my case, on my latest duet song with Fab. Seriously? I just spent an hour laying down vocal tracks (Damn! Don't I sound all recording industry now? "Laying down vocal tracks." I'll never be able to live with myself.) to I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow for Fab's next Big Honking Duet Show and I sound horrible! The second that doctor pulled me out, smacked me on my butt, and heard me cry, he should have ordered larynx-adjustment surgery. Seriously. Blech.

And on that note, I must begin to warn you of said duet show:



Fab has convinced a bunch of us bloggers to sing with him again. OK, maybe convince is the wrong word. Blackmail. Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. If you're looking for something to do on Sunday, April 6^th, I highly recommend you mosey on over to Pointless Drivel Live, for a most excellent show of 18 bloggers singing it up with the Fab-man himself. It's going to be a rockin' good time! So, mark your calendars and, fear not, I shall remind you again.

Blog Talk Radio with Fab!

You all remember this guy, don't you? He's Mr. Fabulous of Pointless Drivel (and, according to him, large penis) fame! Well, tonight, I'm co-hosting his Blog Talk Radio show, Pointless Drivel Live (such an original name)! We'll be on from 7PM to 8PM EST, talking about global warming, our need for more Al Gore in the environment and Internet, and... oh, whatever. We're probably going to be talking about random, stupid crap, like...

My years as a band geek.
Fab's many stalkers.
Fab making fun of my running.
Me making fun of Fab in the mouse ears.

And so it will go. Click here to listen to tonight's show, listen to archived shows, rate the show, tell Fab and I how wonderful we were once the show's over, or let Fab know that if he ever has me on his show again, you will protest said action on the White House steps! We'll be rambling for the first half hour (during which time you can chat with other listeners in the chat room) and at 7:30, we'll open up the show for anyone who wishes to call in (or, you can continue to chat and completely ignore us).

Hope you check it out and enjoy!

He Likes Me! He Really Likes Me!

Christmas came early to the Coal Miner's Granddaughter. Observe the following pictures.

Kids are asleep, my lunch is consumed, time to check the mail. Goodness, what's that? It's an envelope all the way from Florida, care of Mr. Fabulous!


Hmmm, what could it be, I wonder? It's not often I receive packages from someone other than Dark Horse Comics or Barnes & Noble. Let's open it and see...


Well, it's purple, that's a good sign. Wait, I know what this is... could it be? Could it truly be? YES! Thank the sculpey gods above, it's my very own "Fab"ricated Sculpey Penis Bracelet!


Get ready, folks, 'cause I'm pretty sure these babies are going to sweep the nation and I'm one of the first to own one! Notice the way, in the photo below, how it hugs the wrist, how it complements one's hand...


Thanks, Fab! You rock! I'm wearing it as I blog! This will be my blogging inspiration, my muse, and the best part? It has Fabby fingerprints, glazed and baked in, all over it!

Blowing kisses!


Ed. note: I cannot be held responsible for the horrendous state of my hair or the number of nose hairs you can see/count in the above pictures. I'm the only one in my house, at the moment, who can handle and use the camera. Self portraits, looking like you have only one arm, because the other arm is occupied with taking said photos, suck. You know this and I know this. Besides, if I wait for Ty-man to get home, he'll probably get jealous and try to Bogart my bracelet. Damned if I'm going to let that happen!

Face to Face with Fab - Swoon!

We closed out our Florida vacation yesterday with a meet-and-greet lunch with Mr. and Mrs. Fab. Ah, what a fun lunch it was! First, we were late. An hour late. Yes, I called Fab to let him know of our extreme lateness (breakfast with cousins and catching up after five long months). Bad vacationing geeks! Bad!

So, we get to the restaurant, exchange hugs (Ty-man didn't hug, just shook hands), and show Fab his brand-new Mickey Mouse ears. We finally got to meet the wonderful, the amazing, the very sweet Mrs. Fab (Woman! You are not boring!) and sat down for our lunch. I managed to steal Mrs. Fab's French onion soup and slurped down half of it before realizing it was hers and not mine. Bad Heather! Bad! Luckily, the waiter brought hers out posthaste and we were all happily slurping. Adam, Fab only had four Diet Cokes, so your record is safe!

Fab decided he's in love with Ty-man because of their mutual love of and need for mayo on their fries (Freaks!). We talked about kids, why you shouldn't shove their hands in your mouth (Plague! Crud! Sickness! Disease! Have we learned our lesson, Fab?), and found out that I have a purple sculpey penis bracelet on the way (can't wait!). We had such a great time and I found myself trying to come up with reasons for monthly Gainesville, FL trips (We need to go back to see the historical Civil War battlefield and WWII aircraft exhibit! Yeah! I need to co-host a blog talk radio show with Fab in person! Yeah!)

As we left, we posed for the above picture. Fab gamely wore his mouse ears (I just couldn't resist) and gave me a giant-lift-me-off-the-ground-bear-hug and I knew right then, I have a new, great friend. Thanks for lunch, Fab, and get yourself north ASAFP! Mrs. Fab, you're a wonderful lady in every sense of the word. Thanks for the soup!

This reminds me that next Sunday, December 16th, I'll be co-hosting Fab's Blog Talk Radio show at 7 PM. Listen to it live, join in with the other listeners in the chat room, or call in at 7:30. If you can't make it, you can listen to an archived copy. We'll be having a great time and talking about... whatever!

Oh, and? To read Fab's version of yesterday's events, click here.