Whew!

Ever had one of those days? Weeks?

I am.

I'm uninspired, unmotivated, and just generally untied.

I've been occupied with trying out a new template for my blog. I've been practicing here. Please, no comments. It's a work in progress.

The news coming from Texas regarding the FLDS families and their separation from their children has me unsettled. I want the authorities to make sure there has been no abuse but at the same time the agony those mothers and children must be going through cuts me to the bone. Then? Friday's episode of Battlestar Gallactica left me freaked. Cally (wife of one of the final five cylons, Galen) finds out Galen is a cylon and decides to shoot herself and her son Nicholas out an airlock. She doesn't do it (a cylon tricks her and Cally goes out the airlock without her son - ish), but that she was thinking of hurting her child upset me. Then? Reading this post? About a mother being separated from her son by a drunkard piece-of-shit? It got to me, too.

Needless to say, I've had "forcible separation from my kids" anxiety all weekend. How did I fix it? I listened to my iPod while weeding my jungle of a front yard.

So, to bring back some creativity to CofaCMG (and to continue with the theft of ideas from other bloggers), I'm asking you to ask me.

No, actually, I'm telling you to ask me. I want you guys to ask me questions. I need you to. Easy, hard, stupid, intelligent, uncomfortable, funny, whatever. Ask what you want to ask. Ask more that one question. Just do it and I'll begin answering on Monday. 'Kay?
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Oh, and? Tonight? It's me and the Fab man*. On his talk radio show. Just click here at 7PM 'cause I'll be there. We'll be discussing Oprah and her cult of personality, the unified field theory, Obama vs. Hillary.... yeah, whateva. We'll probably talk about penis bracelets, how to pee without the caller on the other end of the phone hearing you, and jawbone zits.

Seriously. Check it out!

* NATUI? Saw your post on alcoholic beverages. Loved the whole "hover over the word and see a text description." So? Stole it. All about the theft. Thanks, hon! Love you!

Site Meter Silliness

At times, my Site Meter hits make me chuckle. I mean, nothing will ever be able to top the Canadian who found my site through a Google search for "Where is my cat's clitoris?" but lately there have been a few good ones. Allow me to share:

mom confessions “spring break”: Yeah, ummmm, not here. Mom's don't get spring breaks and when we do, it usually involves sleep. Loooooots of sleep.

greenwoods roswell lemon chive: Oh, hell to the yeah. Greenwoods restaurant has some kick-ass lemon chive butter on their pork chops. Heaven! Pure heaven.

crack whore confessionals: Da fook? 'Scuse me? I confess the thoughts from my brain here each and every day. At times, I refer to my morning coffee as crack. But a whore? Never. Unless it involves Sean Connery and lots of chocolate.

i like moms only: Well thank you, sweetie. I like you, too.

Stormtrooper sex: OK, some freak in Denmark wants to see Stormtroopers having sex. Since all Stormtroopers are men, cloned from the same man, this is like a freaky homosexual masturbation/gay porn/incest/sci-fi fetish that I really don't want to get into here. Screwed-up Danes.

a map of the miners forecast in 18 hundreds: The hell? Yeah, I have no clue.

2008 Christian martyrs: There are Christians? Who have died for their religion? This year? We're only in April. Busy people...

Johnny hunt fbcw: Yep, the minister of First Baptist Church of Woodstock is still a prick, in my personal opinion.

zip tie handcuffs: Fab, knock it off already. I KNOW you tie your hookers up with these things, just quit using that search term to get to my friggin' blog!

“coal fields” “west Virginia” growing up: No. Yes. And Yes. Any other questions? By the way, if you're going to capitalize Virginia? Give the west a big W, 'kay? It's a friggin' state, not a region. Geography retard.

cortisone suppositories: OMFG, I've already lived through this once. Let's not remind the CMG of this horror AGAIN!

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And by the way, Fab has asked me to come back and co-host his Pointless Drivel Live show, yet again. OK, actually, he didn't ask. Turns out I have incriminating pictures of him from our meet-up in December. Blackmail is such a sweet thang! So, what will this Sunday's show be about? Well, according to Fab: "The sexiest geek this side of the Mississippi joins us for a second time as we discuss who would be better in the sack, Stephen Hawking or Carl Sagan (obviously when he was alive). Also, I may or may nor be wearing pants for much of the show."

Well, I can certainly vouch for the Hawking vs. Sagan debate. Me? The sexiest geek this side of the Mississippi? Hmmmm, not sure 'bout that. But the presence or lack of pants? I'll never tell! Tune in, call in, and we'll have an hour of fun and laughs!

kthnxbi!

She's Baaaaaaack!

Oh, yeah. I'm back and attempting to adjust to the fact that I'm once again on land, that the house isn't rocking, it's just me, that I'm nowhere near a large body of saltwater, and that my scuba gear still smells, well, funky.

Not just funky, but fonkay!

And? I'm not quite ready to blog about my adventures in the great, big blue. I'm too busy playing with the kids and smooching the Ty-man to write anything decent.

I'll be ready tomorrow.

Until then don't forget that tonight's the night!

Just click on the above graphic, just a little before 6PM tonight, and prepare yourself for two solid hours of Fab and 18 blogger buddies crooning (not all at once, thankfully) to a bunch of hits and misses! Check it out!

CMG Imponderables, Part 1

OK, so I usually do my best thinking in either the shower or on the john. I used to do some great thinking while nursing the kids, but since those days are long gone, I no longer have deep thoughts on the couch at 2AM, with infomercials, and a suckling baby. Nowadays, I catch my deep thinking whenever I can, in the short bursts of privacy during kid naps, peeing, or in between reading the same Little Bear book for the 90^th time.

So, I give you today what I hope to be a long and grand tradition here at CofaCMG.

My Imponderables!
(Just imagine James Earl Jones spoke that line in a booming voice with some echo effects. Yeah!)

Imponderable #1: Why does my low-water volume toilet clog after I empty out my colon? Seriously? Every damned time I go to use the john, no toilet paper, nothing in the toilet but my own poo, the stupid piece of crap (ironic name, huh?) clogs up and there I am, nasty, dirty butt, pants around my ankles, cussing up a storm, trying to unclog the toilet, gagging because bits of poo are clinging to the plunger. Finally, toilet is unclogged. I sit back down to do my business, using only three sheets of toilet paper to wipe, flushing again and realizing the toilet is clogged again. Seriously. It takes me a damned hour just to use the john. Why oh why do we have these toilets that supposedly save water when they really don't because you flush 20 bits of toilet paper 20 times in order to keep the crapper from clogging?

(Well. Heh-em.)

Imponderable #2: Why do my kids ignore me throughout the day, only to come flying in, from all directions, when they sense the telephone is in my hands? I'm not even talking yet, the other party has not even picked up their end of the line, and already Bubba is asking where his Marlin toy is, Miss-Miss is wailing over an imagined ow-ee, and J-man has decided to crawl up my leg and sink his teeth into my thigh. Are you kidding me?!?

Imponderable #3: Why is Sean Connery so damned good-looking? I mean, the man is 77-years-old. He was born a year before my father, for chrissake. I certainly wouldn't go down to the local retirement community and pick up a 77-year-old man who is looking for action with a young-un like me. In fact I would probably beat his ass if he tried anything. But if Sean Connery knocked on my door! Buh-bye Ty-man! It's been lovely, but I've gotta go.

Imponderable #4: Why do we all hate our voices? I'm not talking about what you sound like to yourself. I'm talking about what you sound like on your answering machine, your wedding video, and in my case, on my latest duet song with Fab. Seriously? I just spent an hour laying down vocal tracks (Damn! Don't I sound all recording industry now? "Laying down vocal tracks." I'll never be able to live with myself.) to I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow for Fab's next Big Honking Duet Show and I sound horrible! The second that doctor pulled me out, smacked me on my butt, and heard me cry, he should have ordered larynx-adjustment surgery. Seriously. Blech.

And on that note, I must begin to warn you of said duet show:



Fab has convinced a bunch of us bloggers to sing with him again. OK, maybe convince is the wrong word. Blackmail. Yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. If you're looking for something to do on Sunday, April 6^th, I highly recommend you mosey on over to Pointless Drivel Live, for a most excellent show of 18 bloggers singing it up with the Fab-man himself. It's going to be a rockin' good time! So, mark your calendars and, fear not, I shall remind you again.

Heather-Heads

... as opposed to Dead-Heads. As in, the people who followed the Grateful Dead all over the US on their never-ending tour? Sheesh, nobody gets my humor...

See, picked this up off Avitable's site. Pretty fun. Just follow these simple directions to come up with your own imaginary band's first album cover and title.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Now take your pic, add the band name and title to it, then post it.
Now anyone can be a rock star.

Here's mine:

And this goes along beautifully with what's going on tonight. Tonight (as in Sunday, January 20th) is Pointless Drivel live on Blog Talk Radio and tonight is Fab's Big Honking Special Duet Show! There are 12 of us hapless lady-blogger participants, singing duets with Fab himself. My song? Yeah, it's Meat Loaf's Paradise By The Dashboard Light, of course. Shuh. Like I'd sing duet to anything else with anyone else. Unless it happened to be Mr. Loaf himself. Then, I'd be on stage, with my wet, freshly pee'd-in pants, salivating while attempting to sing this song. So, stop by, check it out, and enjoy this special 90-minute show, starting at 6:30PM, EST, right here! Woo hoo!

Blog Talk Radio with Fab!

You all remember this guy, don't you? He's Mr. Fabulous of Pointless Drivel (and, according to him, large penis) fame! Well, tonight, I'm co-hosting his Blog Talk Radio show, Pointless Drivel Live (such an original name)! We'll be on from 7PM to 8PM EST, talking about global warming, our need for more Al Gore in the environment and Internet, and... oh, whatever. We're probably going to be talking about random, stupid crap, like...

My years as a band geek.
Fab's many stalkers.
Fab making fun of my running.
Me making fun of Fab in the mouse ears.

And so it will go. Click here to listen to tonight's show, listen to archived shows, rate the show, tell Fab and I how wonderful we were once the show's over, or let Fab know that if he ever has me on his show again, you will protest said action on the White House steps! We'll be rambling for the first half hour (during which time you can chat with other listeners in the chat room) and at 7:30, we'll open up the show for anyone who wishes to call in (or, you can continue to chat and completely ignore us).

Hope you check it out and enjoy!

Face to Face with Fab - Swoon!

We closed out our Florida vacation yesterday with a meet-and-greet lunch with Mr. and Mrs. Fab. Ah, what a fun lunch it was! First, we were late. An hour late. Yes, I called Fab to let him know of our extreme lateness (breakfast with cousins and catching up after five long months). Bad vacationing geeks! Bad!

So, we get to the restaurant, exchange hugs (Ty-man didn't hug, just shook hands), and show Fab his brand-new Mickey Mouse ears. We finally got to meet the wonderful, the amazing, the very sweet Mrs. Fab (Woman! You are not boring!) and sat down for our lunch. I managed to steal Mrs. Fab's French onion soup and slurped down half of it before realizing it was hers and not mine. Bad Heather! Bad! Luckily, the waiter brought hers out posthaste and we were all happily slurping. Adam, Fab only had four Diet Cokes, so your record is safe!

Fab decided he's in love with Ty-man because of their mutual love of and need for mayo on their fries (Freaks!). We talked about kids, why you shouldn't shove their hands in your mouth (Plague! Crud! Sickness! Disease! Have we learned our lesson, Fab?), and found out that I have a purple sculpey penis bracelet on the way (can't wait!). We had such a great time and I found myself trying to come up with reasons for monthly Gainesville, FL trips (We need to go back to see the historical Civil War battlefield and WWII aircraft exhibit! Yeah! I need to co-host a blog talk radio show with Fab in person! Yeah!)

As we left, we posed for the above picture. Fab gamely wore his mouse ears (I just couldn't resist) and gave me a giant-lift-me-off-the-ground-bear-hug and I knew right then, I have a new, great friend. Thanks for lunch, Fab, and get yourself north ASAFP! Mrs. Fab, you're a wonderful lady in every sense of the word. Thanks for the soup!

This reminds me that next Sunday, December 16th, I'll be co-hosting Fab's Blog Talk Radio show at 7 PM. Listen to it live, join in with the other listeners in the chat room, or call in at 7:30. If you can't make it, you can listen to an archived copy. We'll be having a great time and talking about... whatever!

Oh, and? To read Fab's version of yesterday's events, click here.