Behemoth

Our nine-year-old GE Profile refrigerator started it's long, slow walk toward its ultimate demise earlier this month. It all began with mushy chicken tenders from the freezer and ended with a room-temperature jug of milk just after Labor Day weekend. We shook our heads, emptied its shelves, and turned it off, planning its replacement from amongst the stunning collection at our local Lowe's. It sat forlorn and empty, devoid of everything except its collection of magnets and children's artwork. It was a simple fridge, nothing special. It cooled and froze. It dealt with having its two doors slammed, milk spilled, and vegetables spoiled. It held it all and took it all and one day, two weeks ago, decided it had had enough and left this world for...

Oh, Christ, who'm I kidding? It was a frakking refrigerator and we were giddy to have the chance to upgrade. Observe:


Samsung. 29 cubic feet. Let me say that again. Twenty. nine. cubic. feet. of storage. For milk. Frozen pizzas. Yogurt. CDC biological experiments that will someday cure cancer/HIV/the common cold/reality TV and not at all resembling liquid lettuce. Twenty-nine cubic feet of glory. Plus? Check out the numbered red circles:

1. Albert Einstein. Physicist. Genius. Fridge God.

2. Miss Britt people. Miss frakking Britt! On my fridge! Giving me the stink-eye every time I reach in for the left over Girl Scout cookies/birthday cake/ice cream. She's a goddess.

3. My bare feet. Don't stare too long or you might run screaming.

And remember that saying idle hands are the devil's workshop? Yeah. How 'bout A blank fridge is Satan's food storage. I believe that a lack of magnets is the work of Beelzebub.

The best part about the 29-cubic-feet of awesomeness now squatting in my kitchen?

The light. On the inside. It's not just white, it's like bluish-white. A heavenly salvation-white. And it doesn't just turn on. It's like a fade-on, getting brighter as the doors open. Check it.



It's the fridge built by Greys. And it's all mine. Quit drooling.

It's Official... I'm a Wife and Mother

Yes, you've read the title right. Exchanging vows with Ty-man 12 1/2 years ago did not officially make me a wife. Giving birth to Bubba and Miss-Miss two years ago and J-man 4 1/2 months ago did not officially make me a mother. What clinched the deal was me, looking at Ty-man, and saying, "I want a new washer and dryer for Christmas." Dear. God. Save. Me.

Allow me to preface this. When Ty-man and I first started dating and were later engaged, I set down some ground rules.

1. No living in Ohio. Don't know why, but I just dislike Ohio and told the Ty-man that if we ever had to move there, he could write to me in Hawai'i.

2. No red and black lingerie. Black is OK, red is OK, red and black together, not OK. Yes, this is a quirk of mine along with all the other weird quirks that make up the wonderful me.

3. When a woman gives birth, the man gives her jewelry. That's the rule. Right up there with the 10 commandments and Newton's laws. I carry the baby(ies) for 9 months, push baby(ies) out of small birth canal, I receive a rock in some color and cut set in either gold or platinum.

4. Never, never, never, never, never..... ever, never, never give a woman an appliance for her birthday/anniversary/Valentine's/Christmas/Arbor Day. It's a no-no. If you absolutely must give her an appliance, supplement said appliance gift with rocks (see above), flowers, and/or chocolates. Appliances include but are not limited to: washer, dryer, fridge, oven, stove, dishwasher, small kitchen/laundry appliances. This list also includes landscaping, hot water heater, outdoor and indoor home repair or improvements.

Well, I never thought I would see the day that I would willingly ask for an appliance as a gift. I fought against it for months now, but my POS Maytag washer gets off balance if you even look at it wrong. I'm exhausted spending each and every day slinging wet laundry out of the washer, wasting ten minutes trying to re-load soaking wet laundry, finding the perfect balance of clothes, sheets, and washcloths, all the while muttering curse words under my breath. I've been eying the LG 4.0 cubic foot capacity front load washer with steam wash (wild cherry red) with matching dryer, with both appliances receiving high customer ratings at Lowes, Home Depot, and Sears. I figured it was time to suck it up, be an adult, and ask for major appliances for the upcoming holiday.

Somebody shoot me.