The 10 Commandments of Movie-Watching

OK, ladies and gentlebloggers. I, Coal Miner's Granddaughter, am here to deliver to you, straight from the stone tablets given unto me in the Hollywood Hills by George Lucas himself...

The 10 Commandments of Movie-Watching!
(Think a booming James Earl Jones-type of voice. Echoing from on high. Because, as we all know, God sounds like James Earl Jones. Seriously. The burning bush in my front yard told me so!)

1. Thou shalt not use your cell phone in any form or fashion during a movie or its previews. No texting, no receiving calls, no making of calls. - Seriously, people. Can you not live for two f-ing hours, in the moment of the movie, and let your peeps just hang? Come on. You've probably already texted/twittered them that you're at said movie. They can deal! Because if you don't put the phone down? I just might have to throw it at your face.

2. Thou shalt leave your baby/toddler/young child at home with a babysitter. - Honest to God, I am so friggin' tired of going to these really loud and scary horror/sci-fi/action flicks and seeing a young couple in the row in front of me with a baby. A MOTHER F-ING BABY! Put down the large popcorn, Diet Coke, and box of Goobers and use the money you would have spent on said concessions on a damned babysitter. Can't afford it? STAY AT HOME!

3. Thou shalt not talk during the movie. - Duh.

4. Thou shalt not talk during the official movie previews. - Some people in the audience are there to see a specific preview and couldn't care less about the movie. At times, really important upcoming sci-fi movie previews can be attached to the lamest movies and those of us who are die-hard sci-fi geeks are there for the two-minute preview. So, SHUT THE F UP!

5. Thou shalt keep thy feet to thyself. - Yes, if the seat in front of you is empty, feel free to prop up those clodhoppers at will. But? If someone is sitting in front of you? Like me? I'm not your personal ottoman, asshat! GET YOUR FEET DOWN!

6. Thou shalt not "nervous laugh" during pivotal movie moments. - Little air-headed teenage girl? In the back? With your male posse? Trying to be cool? Yeah, um, how do I say this. Those boys aren't at that movie for you. They're at that movie for the movie. What a concept, I know. I'm there for the movie, too. Not for your air-head commentary and certainly not for your ill-timed nervous "how do I respond to this important part of the plot" laughter. Just be quiet. Please? I'm sure you can manage that for two hours. If not? I have duct tape in the car. The silver tape will complement your earrings. Honest.

7. Thou shalt sit next to total strangers on opening night. - That guy? That seriously geeky guy sitting in the center of the theater? He's not going to bite. He's focused on watching this movie on it's opening night. And since it's opening night? It's going to be crowded. Sit next to him - don't leave an empty seat between you. You're going to have to scoot over, anyway. The movie theater goobs will make you move over because the theater will fill to capacity and that family of four over there? They would like to sit together. So... MOVE!

8. Thou shalt watch the credits in their entirety. - Firstly, all those names in the credits? Those are real-ass people who worked on this movie. Worked hard. From the actors to the hair stylists, to the model makers, to the caterers and accountants. They, too, would like the recognition and can only get that if you watch all their names scroll by. Plus? You never know when Hollyweird is going to tack on some important plot point at the end of the credits. It happens all the time and so many people miss these things! TRAVESTY!

9. Thou shalt not complain about movie ticket prices to the movie theater management. - The movie theater management has no say regarding movie ticket prices. That's a movie production house thing. Complain to Paramount, 20th Century Fox, Disney, or don't go to the movies at all! Wait six months for the DVD. Just don't hassle the poor, frazzled theater manager who just wants to keep his employees from pissing in the popcorn machine.

10. Thou shalt pick up your trash once the movie is over. - Look. Don't pick up every piece of popcorn you dropped. But pick up your cup, popcorn container, and Goobers box, haul your lazy ass out of the theater, and drop said items in the trash cans. For the love of Pete - those poor movie theater goobs already have to mop your Iron Man slobber off the floor. Do you really think they want to pick up your trash, too?

Whew! Thanks. Feel better now...