19 January 2009

Why Superglue is On My Finger

OR

Why I Haven't Blogged in Five Days


The Ty-man has been working crazy-stupid hours for the last two weeks. So crazy-stupid that I've been muttering to myself Um, yeah, this whole almost-single-motherhood thing? SUCKS ASS! and I'm not even an almost-single mother! And these crazy-stupid work hours? Are pretty much going to continue well into March and all the while I'm thinking Dear Baby Jesus? Could you come down for a play date with my kids? And distract them? While I hit the coconut rum in the garage? Thanks so very much.

And then? I found out about TequilaCon, ConFab, TapsCon, and BlogHer and I'm all FRACK! Not enough money for all of them! Which one to choose? Where do I go? GAH!

And then I watched the Battlestar Galactica season premier and I was like THAT'S the 12th cylon? Seriously? And "frak" doesn't have a "c" in it? You mean I've misspelled an imaginary sci-fi cuss word for all these months? FRAK FRAK FRAKKING FRAK!!!

And then I realized I had EVP sessions that I needed to listen to from a December investigation and when I finally listened to them I shouted Listen!! Do you smell something? because I actually found an honest-to-God unexplainable human voice on an audio recording after a whole year of listening to EVP sessions to no avail!*

But then I remembered that I had the minutes to type out from the HOA Board meeting from Hell and figured Heather made a motion that this meeting blew chunks, Jodi seconded, motion passed (5-0) pretty much covered the whole bloody thing.

And then I connected with a friend on Crackbook who is himself a Crackbook friend with an ex-friend of mine and I was all SERIOUSLY?!? Jackass didn't go to Hell like I told him to? and I childishly stomped my foot a few times and huffed about the kitchen for the rest of the afternoon.

And then my youngest and oldest children both decided, simultaneously, to go on sleep strikes that involve screaming bloody murder for hours on end (youngest) and emptying the contents of the dresser drawers onto the bed (oldest) and I screamed TIME OUT! For ten hours! No more toys for you! No more sanity for me! Bubba is now my favorite!!

And of course I followed all this up by simultaneously reading four books about (1) Fermat's last theorem, (2) a murder mystery involving wolves, (3) king crab fishing, and (4) a middle-aged artist who has an unhealthy attraction to a 16-year-old girl. And I suddenly found myself mumbling King Crab3 plus Tanner Crab3 does not equal Blue Crab3, but wolves can certainly mangle statutory rapists.

And lastly, my eczema has flared up so badly that my fingers are cracked and since band-aids aren't made to stay on the base of your left ring finger without extreme discomfort, I was all Whatever. Superglue was used on the wounded soldiers in Vietnam! Let's do it!

So, how have you been?

*Yeah, I know. Bad run-on sentence. My 8th grade English teacher is spinning in her grave. Or in her living room. Not sure which.

10 comments:

RiverPoet said...

Wow, sweetie...I hope things calm down a little. Screaming kids can really ruin your day. I remember those days too well. It makes me afraid of grandmotherhood (but then again, I can always send the kids home!).

Peace - D

metalmom said...

How do you find so much 'you time'? LOL I hope something gives you a break...SOON!

Trukindog said...

Remind me to stop reading your blog before I have coffee, my head is now spinning thank you...I really need that coffee now.

Ummm I don't watch Battlestar Galactica so I have a question...if they say Frak for F*^k what do they say for S#%t?

Avitable said...

You didn't know frak was spelled that way?

BSG was awesome - I love the concept of the 13th tribe being all Cylon.

You forgot to mention Avitaween 2009. You're not missing it this year. You can drive down and stay in a hotel for like $100 and I will stand for you not getting to attend!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

RiverPoet - You and me both. And you're right about the grandkids. That's the beauty of them, you give them back!

MetalMom - HA! "You time" - what a concept!

Trukindog - Actually, I don't think there's a Battlestar equivalent for shit.

Avitable - I did too! I loved that the 13th was all cylons. We're cylons, dude! And, yes. I'm coming to Avitaween. Do you know the date, yet?

Patois said...

My vision of you right now is like some sci-fi Energizer Bunny. And that kind of scares me.

Turnbaby said...

It's a 5 1/2 hour drive and gas is cheap missy;-)

Gypsy said...

Use frell instead. No spelling that one wrong.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Ha! That super glue trick is stellar! Next time, super glue your wrists to your keyboard so you can blog non-stop.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Patois - Hon, it scares me too.

Turnbaby - I know. I know. I'm coming! I swear!

Gypsy - I don't know. Frak has such a great harsh sound. Like fuck. :)

NATUI - Don't tempt me!