100 Things - What You See Is What You Get

OK, this list of ten will bring our total count to 80. I hope in the next couple of weeks (or, knowing my track record, the next couple of months) to finish this list. Until then, please drink in

10 Things About the Physical Heather

1. I have PCOS. PCOS stands for Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which means that instead of my ovaries creating follicles and expelling eggs out of said follicles once a month, my ovaries create follicles and the follicles become fluid-filled cysts with no eggs released. All of this is because I'm a borderline-diabetic. Yes, everyone, you are what you eat. Follow a poor diet? Suffer from infertility. You have been warned!

2. I am near-sighted. I have been since age 7. It's so much fun wearing glasses in the second grade. No matter how many times you reply to the bullies, Oh yeah? Well, four eyes are better than two! it just never sounds believable.

3. I only have one sesamoid bone under each big toe.

Normal people have two of those little sesamoid bones under each big toe. Not me. I'm a mutant. My podiatrist said so. Since I'm a mutant it must mean I have a superpower. I haven't figured it out yet, but I'll let you know when I do.

4. I have a ton of freckles. Everywhere. How every is everywhere? Well, that's for me to know and for you to wonder about. But trust me. They're all over the place.

5. I never had wisdom teeth. Don't ask me how I lucked out on that one, I just did. I haven't had to suffer through that particular agony and I hope I've passed that on to my kids!

6. My natural hair color is mousy brown. I started turning gray at 21. When my hair isn't colored on a regular basis, my brown is a non-exciting brown mixed with a bunch of gray. Therefore, mousy brown.

7. My left knee clicks when I go up and down stairs. I have no idea why. But it's got a good beat and you can dance to it.

8. I'm a 32D. Go figure. I had my first, proper bra fitting back in December and found out that what I thought were a couple of deflated 38Bs are in actuality 32Ds. All I can say is that if I'm a 32D, 99.9999999999% of the women in this country are wearing the wrong dang sized bras. Seriously.

9. The pores on my nose are huge. Seriously. You could drive a truck through them. Gigantic. Don't look too closely. Actually, I guess you could see them from far away so it doesn't matter.

10. My skin is very sensitive to the humidity of my environment. I may hate the summer heat, but the humidity keeps my skin in check. In the winter I use up gobs of lotion just to keep my skin livable.

Thanks for reading, guys! I'm back on Monday to the usual lunacy that is me. I'll finish this list at some point and when I do you'll learn about the ten things I want to teach my kids and the ten things I like about myself. Until then, toodles!

100 Things - Snorting with Laughter

Continuing on with my updated list of 100 things that make me tick, I give you:

10 Things That Make Me Laugh!

1. Pranks. Oh, how I love pranks! Vaseline on the doorknob. Saran Wrap on the toilet seat. Simple or elaborate it doesn't matter. I love watching pranks happen and participating in said pranks. I laugh hysterically.

2. Crude humor. Fart jokes, sex jokes, cussing, Samuel L. Jackson saying "motherf*cker" - you name it. I'm pretty easy to please.

3. My kids' laughter. Oh, yes. When my kids crack themselves up, I'm right there with them. Their laughter is pretty infectious, but in a good way!

4. My husband. People, let me just say that real comedian of the family is the Ty-man. Dude is hysterical!

5. Eddie Izzard and Robin Williams. My two favorite comics. I could watch and laugh over Robin Williams for hours.

6. Porn. Oh, come on. How can porn not be funny? Sex noises that don't even match the actors' facial expressions and cheesy plots. Not to mention naked men. With their socks still on. I'm cracking up right now just thinking about it!

7. Physical comedy. Matthew Perry on Friends. John Ritter on Three's Company. Don Knotts in anything. Chris Farley. Rowan Atkinson. I will roll on the floor.

8. Drunk people. I'm not talking about over the legal limit drunks who need a stint in rehab because they're that drunk every night. I'm talking about frat-boy drunks. Watching that happen is just too funny. And I'd rather watch than participate because I'm not a funny drunk, but a sleeping drunk.

9. Ty-man's cousin-in-law Sean. How happy I am that cousin Ashley married Sean. He is, by far, my reason for celebrating Christmas each year. The family gathers and I spend three days laughing at and with Sean and his special brand of humor.

10. My children's whining. Oh, yeah. When I'm in a great mood and the twins decide to just start whining and quivering that bottom lip because, oh, it's not their birthday but they want their birthday presents NOW, two months ahead of time, I just have to laugh. In front of them. Probably scarring them for life. Oh, well.

Well guys, we're doing great! Getting closer and closer to the end. Tomorrow? Ten things about my body. Scary!

100 Things - Let the Tears Come

So, back during my coconut rum-fueled trip to Antigua, I left you with a rip-off from Miss Britt. I decided to update my 100 things list by copying the Britt-ster and her inspired list o' 100. If you'll remember I told all of you about my family, my most memorable moments, the things I hate, the things I love, and the shameless things I've done to stimulate the U.S. economy. But that's just 50 things. And there you sat, in absolute breathless wonder, thinking When the Hell is she going to finish this? I can't eat! I can't sleep! I. Must. Know!

The perfect opportunity has come about in the form of Ty-man's 2^nd cousin, J. This is the same 2^nd cousin who texts me on a regular basis and makes me feel about 90 years old. But that's OK, because she's the sweetest kid on the planet. And she's visiting us this week. This leaves me with no time to blog every night. So, for the next three days I've pre-written thirty more things about me. Today's installment is:

10 Things That Make Me Cry

1. Reading or seeing stories about people losing their children. This can be young children who die or young parents who die or split up and fight over their children. Any of this stuff that never used to bother me will now bring huge tears to my eyes.

2. Funerals. I don't even have to know the person. Just put me in a funeral home or church or cemetery, body or urn of ashes in prominence, crying family and friends, and I lose it. I sit and remember the funerals and visitations of those I've loved and I become a blubbering idiot.

3. Anything sweet done by any of my kids. A random kiss. A hug. An act of kindness toward one another. Doesn't matter. If I'm the right mood (read: hormonal), let the tears flow, baby!

4. Onions. Duh. Not surprising. Avocados make me cry, too, but for different reasons.

5. Extreme anger. I can't be that beautiful, righteous, indignant woman you see on the soaps, make-up and hair perfect, who lets the offending party have it while looking beautiful. She makes her point and storms off. Me? I start blubbering and crying when very angry or indignant, what little make-up I'm wearing runs, my eyes swell up, and my cheeks turn Raggedy-Ann red. It's not a pretty sight.

6. My infrequent anxiety/panic attacks. These attacks involve me thinking about death. The enormity of it all. The fact I can't escape it. My children are doomed to it. Eternity. The possibility of being alone because everyone I love will die before me. This is why late-night TV was invented, so that anxious freaks like me can get our minds off impending doom.

7. Sad movies or TV shows. I remember making fun of my mom for crying during every. single. episode of Little House on the Prairie. Then? I went to see Schindler's List and blubbered. For two hours. It all went downhill from there.

8. Shuttle launches. I shit you not. It doesn't matter the mission, if it's a live launch or pre-recorded. I cry. God bless NASA!

9. Any kind of personal crisis. I'm not saying I'm incompetent, that I won't make it through said crisis, or that I freeze up. I'll make it through and figure out what to do, but my pressure release valve happens to be located in my tear ducts. That's how I equalize the rush of adrenaline. I may be blubbering during a crisis, but I'm working through it. Just give me a moment, dammit!

10. Extreme laughter. If I'm crying and laughing at the same time? There's a pretty good chance I've also peed my pants. Just sayin'.

Thanks for reading and tomorrow we explore my laugh switch!

100 Things - How I've Earned My Dough

Well, campers. After this we'll be at the half-way mark of the update of my 100 things list. And tonight? I'll be back in Georgia and back to the grind! If you don't see a post tomorrow, then I've dumped it all for a life in Antigua. Come visit if you can!

Back to reality. Today's 10 list is:

10 Things I've Done to Earn Money
(I swear, Fab, no hooker jokes!)

1. I worked as a student-worker at my college's student recruiting office. This was, technically, my first job. I processed applications to the college, pulled transcripts of former students, gave campus tours when needed, and generally had a great time. I held down this job for four years and by the time I graduated, I could process a North Georgia College application like nobody's business.

2. I worked as a sales associate at Express. Oh, I loved this job for the clothes but hated it for the selling. I hate selling. I couldn't even sell space heaters to Eskimos if I needed to. I'm just that bad at it. But, damn. I was one stylish college student!

3. I soldered keypads for my father-in-law. This lasted all of one day. After I soldered the fifth one wrong, I was put on warehouse-sweeping duty.

4. I spent a summer doing undergraduate research. The summer before my senior year in college, I spent ten weeks at the University of Alabama in Huntsville doing undergrad physics research. I got paid $2,500. Excellent, easy cash, baby!

5. I was a data entry clerk for the West Virginia Department of Parks & Recreation. I spent the summer after college graduation entering accounting data into the state's accounting program. Boring, mind-numbing, and dull. They wanted me to stay on. I said bye for greener Georgia pastures.

6. I wrote technical manuals and designed computer circuit boards. This was my first real job out of college and it was with my father's-in-law company. They design proprietary software for the FAA.

7. I was an office manager for a start-up company. Two anesthesiologists started a company with new technology that would make the billing of anesthesia patients more accurate. No one bought into it. I spent four months reading eight hours a day and answering the odd phone call here and there.

8. I was a course developer with ExecuTrain. Here. Write this manual on the newest version of Microsoft Word, using the beta version of the software and no help files. Write the accompanying instructor guide, post-class test, and class slide show. Oh, wait. It's a year later. Do it all over again!

9. I was scuba diving instructor. The pay sucked but while others were shackled to their desks, I was in a pool doing back flips with students. Ahhhh, the life. Until the shop owners expected me to sell the gear. Then? We had problems.

10. I was a dive travel agency Girl Friday. That was a great job until the cold calling began. Run away!

And there you have it, my jobs, all ten of them, right up to motherhood. And that job? Has been the best (albeit somewhat frustrating and frightening) job of all. Tune in, at some point, for the next ten... ten things that make me cry!

100 Things - What I Love

So, after those brief commercial breaks, we're back to the updating of my 100 Things list. Today? It's all about:

10 Things I Love!

1. I love my children. I never thought I could love three people as much as I love my children. It's just indescribable, the deep, primal, touch my child and I will rip you into a million pieces love I have for those little guys!

2. I love my Ty-man. Certainly not a touch him, you die type of love that I have for the kids. More of a Lemme rip them clothes off now! sort of primal love. Yep, that's it!

3. I love being underwater. On land, we're limited to two dimensions. We move forward, back, left, right. We never look up or down or even move in those directions. Underwater? I'm weightless. Literally and figuratively. It's the calmest, happiest place for me to be.

4. I love cuddling with my kids. When one or more of them puts their little arms around me, pats me on the back, says I love you Mama, and just stays there. Oh, wow. Indescribable ecstasy.

5. I love rainy days. It doesn't rain often enough in Georgia and on those days that the rain comes, I'm so content. I constantly check the weather and when I see that rainy days are forecast, I get giddy!

6. I love chocolate. All forms. All kinds. Doesn't matter. I don't discriminate.

7. I love my MacBook. It's my escape and my link to the outside world. Apple rules!

8. I love my morning coffee. I will knock over anyone who gets in my way of my morning coffee.

9. I love TV. Oh, god. I'm such a child of the television generation. I TiVo so many friggin' TV shows that it's obscene.

10. I love hanging out with my mom. She knows me better than anyone on this Earth. We have great times together!

Well, that was pretty easy, and quick. Thanks, guys, for hanging in there through all this and hope you're ready for a bunch more! Tomorrow? Ten things I've done to make money.

100 Things - What I Hate

Dude, you're still here? Still with me? Hanging in there? We're taking a break tomorrow. I promise. It's now time for...

10 Things I Hate!

1. I hate people with no common sense. It really drives me bonkers to see people not using their brains. Seriously. Wear your damned seat belts. Triple-check the presence or lack of your passport. Follow directions. If management says no, they mean no, not no for everyone else but yes for you. Just, everything. Use common fucking sense, people. Please.

2. I hate over-reaction. This 6-year-old hugged a little girl in his kindergarten class. Suspension for sexual harassment! That 13-year-old brought a butter knife in his backpack. Expulsion! And that high school chick? Over there? She's got Tylenol in her purse for her cramps. More suspension! O.M.F.G. Are you shitting me? This is why I'm considering homeschooling my kids.

3. I hate the Jesus talk. My father had just died one week before when my sorority sisters dragged me to a meeting to get me out of the house. It was a scrapbook party. The saleslady took it upon herself to give me "The Jesus Talk." Seriously? Leave me alone. I know "The Jesus Talk" backwards and forwards. I know the pros and cons of accepting Christ as my Savior. I don't need to have it shoved down my throat. Kthnxbi!

4. I hate parents who force their kids to their lifestyles. Those little kids? At Macy's? At 9PM? Screaming their heads off? Yeah, they're sleepy! They should have been in bed for at least an hour. Quit yelling at them! Get your asses out of that store, get them home, and get them to bed. You need to run your errands and live your life around them until they are older and more tolerant of your hours. Dude.

5. I hate parents who take their kids to the movies. This is actually a sub-set of number four, but deserves its own number because of those idiot parents who take their babies/toddlers to rated R movies. They can't afford sitters so instead of staying home, they drag their kids, in their PJs, to the latest horror movie. Those people need to have their parental cards revoked.

6. I hate hate. Hate for hate's sake gets me every time. Notice how the haters are the uneducated who have never traveled far from home? They don't care to pull themselves up by their bootstraps because it's easier to stay at home and stew in their hate of minorities/women/homosexuals/you/me/everybody. This is where Darwinism needs to take over.

7. I hate suffering. I look at the aftermaths of Katrina, Myanmar's cyclone, Thailand's tsunami, China's earthquake, and so many others and I feel so damned helpless and ineffective. All I can do is watch those images, hug my kids and husband, and I hope I never live through such suffering.

8. I hate sick kids. Honestly. They don't understand. They're fussy. They're whiny. They won't eat or take their medicine. Ugh.

9. I hate people who say one thing and do another. I remember leaving my favorite job because a fellow co-worker (female) accused me of flirting with her husband (our vice-president) when she was known as the company's biggest flirt. Yeah. That was the straw that broke the CMG's back with this particular hate. Walk the walk, people. That's all I ask.

10. I hate seeing children hurt, physically or emotionally. Since becoming a parent, I can't stand to see children in the news or on fictional TV shows/movies who have been killed, injured, or taken from their parents. It is physically difficult for me to see that and I typically change the channel or leave the room.

Wow. I'm surprised you stuck with it. Tomorrow we take a break from me and talk about me and the Ty-man. But the next day? We'll go over the ten things I love!

100 Things - Memorable Moments

Continuing on with my new and improved 100 Things list, I give you (drum roll, please):

10 Most Memorable Moments of My Life!

1. The day my twins were born. This was such a whirlwind day. There I was in the bowels of Northside Hospital, working on day three of living in a tiny, windowless hospital room, resigning myself to the fact that within 24 hours, I would move to a room in the High-Risk Perinatal ward for a month-long stay. Down comes my OB informing me that my blood platelets and liver enzymes were so out-of-whack that the twins had to come that day. Within four hours, Miss-Miss and Bubba entered the world and I? Was a bewildered mom of two!

2. The day J-man was born. This day was so different. It was planned. It was on the calendar. I was induced. I had my epidural. I had no pain or discomfort. He was born within three hours. It was easy-peasy and I wish all women could have that experience of pure joy with no pain and no fuss.

3. The day I found out I was pregnant with the twins. This was my fifth and, I believed final, attempt at artificial insemination. The final injection prior to insemination is such a strong dosage of hormones that any pregnancy test taken within 14 days gives a false positive. You have to wait 15 days. Every other round, I bled on day 14. This time? Day 14 passed uneventfully. The next morning, I peed on that stick and jumped up and down. JOY!

4. The day I found out I was pregnant with J-man. I needed hormone injections. I needed my doctor inserting Ty-man's sperm into my uterus via surgical tubing. Pregnancy? Without those things? Was impossible... or so I thought. There I sat, five days after the twins' first birthday, three positive pregnancy tests in hand, wondering what the heck had happened! JOY and TERROR!

5. The day my father died. Memorable only because every second of that day and the two days to follow are etched in my brain. I can recall the smells, sights, emotions, and helplessness. It was horrible.

6. The day I married the Ty-man. Again, every second is burned in my memory but for better reasons than the previous moment. It was a wonderful day! Perfect even when I ripped the lace trim on the hem of my dress, when the ring bearer lost his shit at the altar, and especially when Ty-man and I were left at the church as everyone took off for the reception, each thinking the other had taken care of us. It was all great!

7. The day I was baptized in the Presbyterian church. I remember being 10 and wondering about God, Christ, and Heaven. The minister placed the blessed water on my head and tears immediately sprang to my eyes. My heart skipped a beat. It was wonderful.

8. The first time an adult betrayed me - spring, 1990. It's a long, drawn out story. I was 18 and nearly a high school graduate. A woman I looked up to stabbed me in the back, but good. I was devastated beyond measure and I remember balling up in the corner of my room in utter anger and betrayal. Looking back, I realize this defining moment made me stronger. But, it also made me rougher which isn't always good.

9. January 28, 1986. I was walking the halls of my junior high, booking it to my next class, when I heard the kid next to me say, "Hey! The Challenger just blew up!" All I wanted to be at that age was an astronaut and that moment kicked me in the gut. That was a bad day.

10. The day I met the Ty-man. April 10, 1988. Oh, yeah. Twenty years ago. I know, I know. I've flipped out already. Go ahead. I'll wait for you to catch up. Good? It was the first day of Space Camp (again, snort your coffee, get it out) and I remember this tall guy standing with my group. He looked like a counselor and I snuck a peek at his name tag. Taylor. My first thought was, "What idiots would name their kid Taylor?" Yeah, it was a typo. And he turned out to be the man of my dreams!

So what do you think so far? Cool? Liking it? Hating it? Too bad because tomorrow it's time for the ten things I hate!

100 Things - Family

You all know me. Mother, wife, blogger, geek, and thief of all great blog ideas. Since we're out of town this week, I needed blog ideas, things to write about ahead of time. With much thanks to Miss Britt and her take on 100 Things about her, I've decided to update my 100 Things list and heck, there's no time like the present! I'll break this up into ten different posts for your reading enjoyment, because it is all about me!

10 Things About My Family

1. I am, technically, an only child. I'm the only child of Tom and JoAnne. My mother had, seven years before my birth and four years before her marriage to Dad, an affair. Since she was an unwed mother in 1965-1966, my grandparents did what any loving parents of the 60s with a 25-year-old daughter would do - forced her to go to a home for unwed mothers and give her child up for adoption. My half-brother, born April 6, 1966 (and called Sean by my mom), is out there somewhere. I would love to meet him, but won't actively pursue finding him while Mom's alive. She wants him to love and know only his adopted parents.

2. I only knew one of my grandparents. My father's parents died before I was born, as did my maternal grandmother. My maternal grandfather re-married and I always knew her as my grandmother. Simeon and Thelma were, and are, odd people who never truly knew how to love. Summers on their farm were fun until I grew up and realized the extent of dislike, and just downright hate, between my mom and her parents and siblings. Then? I was just uncomfortable.

3. I never went to my grandfather's funeral. I didn't want to remember him dead. From what I understand, my cousins and step-cousins were pissed with me for not attending. As it is, I saw him five months before, a shell of a man in a morphine haze having battled bone and prostate cancers and slowly losing. That was bad enough. I didn't need to see him embalmed.

4. My mother's family is descended from the Berkeley family of England. Just about every Caucasian-American can trace their roots back to royalty, a president, or some other notable figure in American or European history. My family claim to fame? The Berkeley family of England. Yep. We killed King Edward II. Fear us.

5. I'm closer to Ty-man's family than I am to my own. Ty-man's family is the perfect, sweet, loving family of 1950s-60s TV. They are all well-adjusted, loving people who welcome any and all into the fold. I can't get enough of them. No twisted, freakish abuse (Mom's family). No nitpicking, wasteful "I deserve this. I get that. Give me or else." (Dad's family). They're awesome. There are no other words.

6. In order to have my own family, I had to go through fertility treatments. I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) in June, 2002. One month later I had surgery to remove endometriosis and ovarian cysts. I then began taking metformin to control my out-of-control insulin levels (the cause of PCOS). In January, 2004, I started four rounds of fertility drugs and artificial insemination with no success. After six months off from the endless and tiring rounds of needles and planned sexual intercourse (blame my doctor for the technical babble), I had given up and was filling out the adoption paperwork. Finally, in January, 2005, at the insistence of Ty-man and my doctor, I agreed to one more round of artificial insemination and, whaddaya know, it took! Eight months later we became the parents of our twins, Bubba and Miss-Miss. A week after their first birthday, I took a pregnancy test and was shocked to learn it was positive! No fertility treatments, no doctor intervention, just me and the Ty-man and some old-fashioned nookie. Nine months later, the J-man arrived and that's my little family!

7. I consider my close girl friends and their significant others to be my sisters and brothers. I think it's a side-effect of being an only child that my life-long friends have become my siblings.

8. My father was a veteran of the Korean War. Obviously, my parents waited until their 30s and 40s to have their one and only child. My father was drafted into the Marines during the Korean War. He was a telephone line repairman. He never saw action, but always told stories of the Korean women leaving the squid, at the bottom of the telephone poles, to dry in the sun. The stench? Special.

9. My father-in-law almost has a Ph.D. in physics. My mother-in-law was upset, early in their marriage, that he was spending more time on his thesis than with her. So, he threw it into the fireplace and that was that. Yeah. Makes my stomach lurch, too.

10. My mother-in-law was a nurse and my mom nearly found fame as a ballet dancer. Yep, you read it right. Betty was a nurse and my mom danced with the Charleston, WV Ballet Company. Such talent in this family!

So there you have the first 10! Tomorrow? Get ready for the next round - the ten most memorable moments in my life!