Christmas Ornaments, Part 1

In order to make it through the holidays without expending too much brain energy coming up with original blog posts, I thought it might be a good idea to document some of the cooler ornaments on our Christmas tree before the dog eats them all.

Our Christmas tree is like a book and the ornaments tell a story. They describe the funkiness of the 1970s with trippy little felt elves, my fetish with everything Opus, and the presence of our children with cute school-made ornaments they'll be embarrassed over in years to come. I don't have what I call a "Macy's Tree." My tree would never make it into an issue of Architectural Digest but it makes our family smile. One of my favorite things to do is to sit in my living room, (lights out, Christmas lights on) and look at all of the ornaments, remembering how I happened upon each and every one.

This ornament is one of my favorites:


My brother and his wife were stationed in Germany for three years and Vonda would always hit up the local Christkindlmarkt for gifts. Their last year in Germany, Vonda sent me my Jack-o-lantern scarecrow Christmas ornament. I have to admit that I'm a lover of all things Halloween. It's my favorite holiday and when I saw this ornament, I squeee'd because now, I can have a little bit of Halloween mixed in with my Christmas every year.

I'll be bringing more CMG ornaments in the days to come. Hope you enjoy them as much as we do!

Welcome to the Painful Jungle

Seriously, people. These videos are everywhere. I sang twice at Avitable's Halloween party and wouldn't you know it, both performances are now immortalized forever on YouTube.

Trust me, this is four minutes and 38 seconds of pain. Guns 'N Roses pain. Axl Rose? Your job is secure.



Click here for the direct link.

I swear, this is it. No more karoke videos of me.

That I know of.

PS Audio NSFW. Use headphones. Hee hee!

Baby Got Back, Take 2

Yes. Yes. Me and Sir Mix-A-Lot struck again:



With the assistance of Miss Britt and Mommy Melee.

Avitaween RAWKED!

PS I should really be banned from karaoke.

PPS When I'm drunk.

A Long Time Ago...

... In a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

AVITABLE'S HALLOWEEN PARTY 2009 - INVADED!

The call was sent out and heard by bloggers far and near, from Alderaan to Tatooine, Coruscant to Kashyyyk. We were told to converge on the holiest of holies.

Orlando, Florida.

To the home of Adam Heath Avitable, Jedi Knight turned Dark Lord of the Sith. That we should come and witness the new seat of the Empire.

The message told us to gather on Saturday, October 24, 2009, for the Halloween party to end all Halloween parties. To drink the sacrificial wine. To spill the sacrificial blood. To eat the sacrificial burritos.

And to finally meet all those mysterious avatars we've been staring at online for years.

So, it is with great reverence, respect, and, well, EXCITEMENT, that I inform you that the Ty-man and I are currently driving to said destination as we blog.

Yes, please feel free to follow my Twitter feed and/or Flickr account as I attempt to regale you (while wearing Stormtrooper gloves) with 140-character-long-stories and shitty-iPhone-camera-pictures during the party in question.

Or, you can just check back here on Monday Tuesday sometime next week and get the full scoop on who dressed as what, who puked on who, what we sang, and what the seat of the Empire really looks like.

Blog you later!

Silent Saturday 18: Halloween

Costume Designer Extraordinaire

I'm a big tease, aren't I? I left you on Friday with pictures of a luna moth and a coral snake, informing you that my twins had dressed as said animals for their school Halloween party... and then made you wait for three. whole. days. for pictures of my sweeties wearing said frightening creations.

Well, one was frightening. One was beautiful. And I discovered that it is possible for me to be a Super-mom. As long as I have a Super-nana and a Super-papa, and a shit ton of sweet tea, by my side.

The saga began in August when I received the school schedule and noted that for the Halloween celebration, the kids were supposed to wear costumes representing animals they had learned about up to that point. I began pestering Bubba's and Miss-Miss's teacher two weeks ago and she would breezily tell me that any animal would be fine.

Well no, sweetie. "Any animal" will not be fine. I'm extremely anal-retentive and I don't want my kids dressed as an animal they haven't learned about. This is, after all, supposed to be a learning experience for them and I want them to dress as animals they know about, thankyouverymuch. So, it was with relief and frustration that I opened an e-mail from the school director, two days before the party, listing said animals.

Ahem. The list was as follows: red fox*, black bear, tiger salamander**, screech owl, green tree frog, coral snake, box turtle, luna moth, white-tailed deer, white-lipped forest snail, wild turkey, opossum, red-headed woodpecker, bluegill***, and green anole.

Yeah.

No, seriously. So I picked the two I thought I could create in a couple of hours.

Riiiiiiight.

So, how does one create a coral snake costume and a luna moth costume in eight hours? Observe. And feel free to enlarge the photos to fully reveal the smart-ass comments contained within:


Yes, I was smiling. No, I was not happy. I was extremely tired. My fingers were sore. And that bright red shirt coupled with day-glo yellow felt? Sent my corneas on a happy little acid trip. My mom modified Miss-Miss's Tinkerbell wings, muttering the whole time about how her fracking sewing machine could make this job go faster. Well, just rub it in, why don't you?


Someday, I'll be able to tell Bubba that not only did I push him out of my body with great pain and discomfort, but that I also punctured my thumb and left my bloody DNA on his lesson-appropriate school costume. Guilt, baby. It's all about the guilt.


At times, the white, upper-middle class, Republican male will display his antenna in a rare, election-year mating ritual. He will begin cooing softly to his mate Universal Health Care is for pussies! Don't control guns, control Democrats! Tax-breaks for the rich! Vote Republican! in an attempt to propagate his species. Or just to get a little nookie.


And so what did I learn from this last-minute, maniacal attempt at creativity? I learned that my kids looked adorable as a coral snake and a luna moth. I learned that there is no way one woman can get two costumes finished in eight hours; help is most definitely needed. I learned that J-man will be a coral snake in two years at his first Montessori Halloween party. And I learned that the other mothers in my kids' class are lazy-asses who took the easy way out with Wal-Mart costumes that don't match the teacher's list.

Bitter? Maybe. Proud of myself? Yes. Would I do it again? You betcha. Why?


That's why.

*No, not Redd Foxx. Smart ass.
**Isn't it cute?!? Gotta get one...
***Seriously? An ugly-ass brown fish. That is considered a pest by some. And a tasty meal by others. Um, whatever.

Happy Halloween!

So, it's 12:30AM. My mom and I have been working on the twins' Montessori Halloween Celebration costumes (in the theme of animals they have learned about) since 4PM. Why did we wait until the last minute? Because the twins' teacher didn't give us a list of the animals to choose from until Wednesday night. What will they be dressed as? Not elephants. Not cows. No. Nothing as simple as that. Try Miss-Miss as a luna moth:


And a coral snake for Bubba:


I shit you not. The photo essay will follow on Monday. Until then, my tired brain and fingers leave you with this little tidbit. Did you know the mask, worn by the character Michael Myers in Halloween, was a cheap Captain Kirk mask, painted white? And since that sorta makes William Shatner as iconic as a Jack-o-Lantern this time of year, I leave you with this video. This thing of beauty. This savior o' my blog at 12:38 AM. Run away, dear friends. Run away.

Happy Halloween, People!

From Me, Ty-man, Miss-Miss, Bubba, and J-man, hope you all have a spooky, scary, and hair-raising Halloween! Blog ya tomorrow!

Stuff From All Over

Have any of you ever had one of those moments when, you're proud to be a mom, proud of your kids, love them dearly, but wish others were more appreciative of them? I'm not talking about shoving your kids down someone's throat 24/7 and expecting them to adore your children. I'm talking about being made to feel small just because of your childrens' existence and your inability to detach yourself from them because, let's face it, when you're a breastfeeding mother of a 5-month-old, as their only food source, you are limited as to who can take care of them. I had that experience for the first time today and it brought me to my knees. I won't elaborate, but I was hurt, upset, pissed, and dearly wanting my old life back. Then, I looked at J-man's little face and said, "F it. I love you and that's all that matters."

On to more silly things...

I have watched Finding Nemo so many times the last two weeks that I'm ready to gouge out my eyes and firebomb the Pixar/Disney studios headquarters. Early in 2006, I got the bright idea of decorating the kids' bathroom with a Finding Nemo theme. Nemo soap dispenser, Nemo toothbrush holder, Nemo shower curtain, little plastic Nemo character toys (that are probably loaded with lead). I topped it all off with an actual picture of two clown anemone fish, taken by a dive buddy of mine. I figured that at some point in the future when the kids decide they're too cool for Finding Nemo, we could just have fish pictures and end it at that. Anyway, we went from playing with Nemo in the tub to taking Nemo and friends out of the tub, playing and sleeping with them at all hours of the day and night. Miss-Miss will cry if Nemo can't be located before bedtime. "Nemo? Nemo?" is her usual whimper. Two days before their birthday, we thought it would be cool to finally let Miss-Miss and Bubba watch the movie. BIIIIIGGGG mistake. We have now watched Finding Nemo every day for the last two weeks. Fifteen minutes here, ten minutes there, and it all adds up to Ty-man and I quoting the movie word-for-word and knowing the names of all the characters - Nemo, Marlin, Dory, Bruce the shark, Gil, Peach the starfish, Deb, Bubbles, Gurgle, Nigel the pelican, Squirt and Crush the turtles, and on, and on. Somebody, kill me NOW! Finding Nemo went from a cute kids' movie to the bane of my existence. It's Nemo and clown fish 24 hours a day, 7 days a week here at Casa Crazy and I'm so ready for the nut house. Ty-man said, "Well, I guess we'll have to read up on saltwater aquariums soon because the kids will want one." Yeah, sure, I'll get a salt water aquarium, so that I can fill it with clown fish and then fry up the little suckers for dinner. Pass the tartar sauce and malt vinegar, baby!

My usual Friday top ten lists have gone by the wayside. I just don't have the brain power to count to ten, much less come up with funny things to go along with ten numbers. So, top ten lists will happen when my brain happens.

Found out today that Ty-man's cousin, Newman, is pregnant!!! Way to go, Newman! Three months down and a lifetime to go! Can't wait to meet the newest member of the family this coming April. Woo hoo!

I have splurged and hired a wonderful lady named Mia over at The Blog Cafe to design a new look for my blog. So, hopefully in the next few weeks, you will be dazzled by my ideas and her talent and knowledge of blogs, HTML, and Google Blogger. Stay tuned!

Finally, in honor of October and Halloween, I have chosen a headstone quote for this weekend's blog quote. From Benjamin Franklin's headstone, here goes:

The Body of
B. Franklin, Printer
Like the Cover of an old Book
Its Contents torn out
And Stript of its Lettering & Guilding
Lies here. Food for Worms
For, it will as he believed
appear once more
In a new and more elegant Edition
corrected and improved
By the Author.

Happy Weekend! Blog you Monday.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Ah, yes. It is the most wonderful time of the year because it's October and time to begin the month-long celebration of my favorite holiday... Halloween! Woo hoo!

My love of Halloween is probably due to my weird fascination with horror movies, ghosts and ghost stories, graveyards (picture at left was taken by moi at Atlanta's Oakland Cemetery), and all things spooky and creepy. Come on! How can you not love Halloween? It's a purely hedonistic holiday, at least in its current incarnation. Think about it. For one night, you can dress up as something you want to be in only your wildest dreams (Superman! Wonder Woman! Vampire! Captain Redneck!), go around the neighborhood begging for candy just because you can and when no candy is received, you roll the house just for kicks. It's great!!!! Being sneaky and spooky is the name of the game, getting your sugar on is expected, and watching movies and telling stories that are guaranteed to keep you up all night with the lights on is what it's all about. Heck, I even break out the tarot cards for this one special night to give readings. I suck at it, it's purely for fun, but for one night I feel like a gypsy fortune teller.

On September 1st, the Halloween itch descends upon me. My Halloween radar perks up and I find myself perusing the Halloween decor aisles at my local stores. Do I need this bat/spider/crow/tombstone? Sure, of course I do! I have twenty others, but one more won't hurt. I was ready to invest in a really creepy 5 1/2 foot tall grim reaper for the front yard before Ty-man put the kibosh on my nefarious plans. I start compiling the "Now Showing" list of horror movies to show for friends and family at our annual horror movie month. By September 30th, the Halloween spook rash is in full swing and the Halloween decor boxes come up from the basement. Candy corn-scented candles are lit and the family gets in the mood. By the next morning, I've thrown on one of many Halloween t-shirts (my wardrobe for the next month) and the festivities begin. Instead of tinsel and Santas, it's cobwebs, spiders, and bats. The white candles that drip red go on the mantel, gourd Jack-o-Lanterns adorn every available shelf space and the black cats lurk around corners. I've always threatened Ty-man with the future ownership of a black cat and an orange cat named Trick and Treat. Oh yes, it will happen, they will be mine! Mwa-ah-aaaaaahhhhh!!!!

The car CD player cues up my special Halloween mix CDs (if you would like a song list, let me know) and I jam out to such gems as Oingo Boingo's Dead Man's Party or Nick Cave's Red Right Hand.

And it's not just me who's in the Halloween mood. AMC (a classic movie channel) shows a good bit of older horror movies during this month. The Oxygen channel shows old Roseanne Halloween episodes (my faves!), the new season of Ghost Hunters cranks up on the Sci-fi channel, and the Chiller horror channel goes from scary to absolutely horrifying during this month. It's a gore-fest, people!

So, even if you don't like horror movies or ghost stories, I know you've got to love dressing up and eating candy. So, take Halloween for what it is - a fun day to gorge on sugar and to be someone else. Enjoy it! It only comes once a year!

BOO!