27 February 2008

Kid Book Review Part 4

I haven't done a kid book review since October and I figured it was time for another one. I truly enjoy sharing with all of you my twisted thoughts that I usually keep to myself while I read books to my twins. Here I talked about a cat and her loose morals. Here I denounce a hen and her self-righteous work ethic. And here that I change the fates of five ladybugs.

Well, finally, I will review a wonderful gem of a book called Walter the Farting Dog.

No, seriously. It's a children's book. About a dog. Who farts.

Too bad it's not scratch and sniff. Daaaaamn! That smells like last night's steak and baked potato!

See, Walter is this ugly mutt of a dog who comes home from the pound with Betty and Billy. Their mother says that Walter stinks and orders him to take a bath.

The bath? Doesn't help.

Turns out that Walter farts all the time.
  • In the bath.
  • When playing.
  • While walking.
  • When eating.
  • Even while he sleeps, he farts. (See, NATUI? You're not the only one!)
So, Dad sends Walter's stinky butt off to the vet for a look-see. The vet (who mysteriously looks like Montel Williams), says to change Walter's diet.

Doesn't work. He still farts. And now? He's getting blamed for everyone else's farts, too.

Dad has had it and says the kids must take Walter back to the pound tomorrow.

The kids are sad. Walter is very sad and decides he's never going to fart again. So, he goes to the kitchen and eats a 25-pound bag of low-fart dog biscuits (Seriously? Is there such a thing?), which is a bad idea. He sprawls out on the sofa, holding in this gigantic fart bubble. It is then that a couple of burglars come through the window. They fill up their bags full of stuff. Walter wants to stop them, but he's working so hard to hold in his gas bubble.

Just as the burglars are trying to leave, Walter lets the worst fart of his life fly and the burglars stumble out of the house, stunned by the fart, and into the headlights of a police car. Walter saved the day!

As you've guessed, Walter gets to stay, regardless of his farts.

The end.

OK, first off, farting dogs? We can't write a book about a dog who eats all the family's food? Or breaks the china? Or drinks out of the toilet? It has to be a dog who farts? Kids already think farts are funny and cool, do we really need to reinforce the idea that farts help you perform good deeds?

And? While reading this book about a dog who farts, you can at least re-create the sound effects with your very own....

... Walter, the farting dog.

Seriously. Too bad he only makes the fart noise and not the smell, too. Because then? I could just carry the damned thing around and when I cut one in the kitchen, thinking Ty-man's in the basement, busy with his other love (a.k.a. the media server), and he suddenly appears behind me, I could blame it on the stupid stuffed animal.

As you can imagine, the kids like the story and the sound their very own plush Walter makes. And who do I have to blame for this travesty? My mom. She bought this book and toy for the kids for Christmas.

Gee, Mom. Thaaaaaanks a lot. Really. I'll be feeding your cat pork 'n beans this weekend.

9 comments:

jayna said...

Oh man! I need that book. It'd be perfect for the husband to read to our fart-obsessed child (hmm, I smell a post brewing to explain that one :-)

Seriously though, I'm dying over the fact that there is actually a book like that. Shows who hasn't been browsing the children's books lately.

(And, to answer your question, I'm moving back to Savannah. I can't wait to get my drawl back on!)

Momma said...

Oh my God, why didn't they have this book when MY kids were little??

Seriously, we have our own (two - count 'em - two) farting dogs. See my post about bulldogs. I advised people who are embarrassed and/or grossed out by farts not to get a bulldog. You can't stop them. All you can do is duck inside your t-shirt and fan for all you're worth!

Peace (and quiet) - D

Miss Britt said...

But does Walter say "excuse me"?

Because if I can find a book that teaches kids to say something besides "I fart! fart! fart! Iiiiii farted!!" I would be all over that like stink on shit.

MommyCosm said...

I've read this book to Princess and BamBam as well...and they LOVED it!!

a) We have two seriously stinky dogs. One who gets spooked when he farts. He literally jumps up and looks at his butt like "what was THAT?!"

b) Farting is funny to the 5 and 2 year age group...or anybody sporting a penis at any age for that matter.

I highly recommend it.

Gypsy said...

Why buy the book when I have four farting dogs of my very own at home?

This cracked me up, though. :)

B said...

This cracks me up! I can't believe they actually have a book abut a farting dog! I, myself, have four farting cats and a farting rabbit. They can get pretty stinky, I tell ya. About 30 years ago, I bought my older brother a "Fart-A-Saurus" (a farting dinosaur) for Christmas. When you squeezed it, it farted. He thought it was hilarious and proudly displayed it on a shelf in his home. I would so love to have a farting Walter dog. lol

Not Afraid to Use It said...

I've seen this book over the years but have yet to acquire or read it. I think it sounds right up LittleBird's alley. She is all about the toilet humor.

I am sure she gets that from her father.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Jayna - Savannah, dang. Glad you'll be going back to place you love, sad that's it's far from here. Sniff. OK, on your way through Atlanta? We need to meet for lunch or something.

Momma - Oh, my friend Jenny has bulldogs and talk about some noxious fumes. I understand!

Britt - Oh, if only he did say "Excuse me!" Alas, it isn't so.

MommyCosm - Farting is funny between the ages of 2 and 5? What about 36? :-)

Gypsy - True, true, you have your own farting dogs. Any named Walter?

B - Good Lord, woman, you have a fart menagerie!

NATUI - Farting is good for any age!

shannon said...

You inspired me to get the book from the library.... How sad is that? But with a dog who can clear a room faster than anyone, we are sure to find an understanding of Walter.